To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Yes! Literally this. Why are people who are soooo anxious and soooo shy so able to be bossy, demanding and bowl other people over…seems rather unlike anyone who has, you know, actual anxiety.

@AshNice while the law is unclear about what constitutes an 'assistance dog', there is clarity that it needs to be trained. Hers clearly isn't.

Most of the things you describe are relatively easily solved, and the fact that she hasn't done so absolves you of any guilt. I am a dog owner, but I don't like untrained dogs. More frustrating as I am also a trainer, so when I see things that can relatively easily be fixed, it is more than frustrating.

OP's husband has to tell his sister himself.
OP needs to have a calm conversation with her DH about what happened last time when the dog was brought and that it is wholly unreasonable to allow the dog back and have the same chaos. Frankly, DH should be concerned about keeping the peace within his own household, not with sister. It's up to the sister how she reacts and handles it. It's not up to OP snd her DH to manage the sister and her dog.

Why is n ne suggesting a compromise, can dog not stay in house and keep regular checks on it?

Why is n ne suggesting a compromise, can dog not stay in house and keep regular checks on it?

Why is no one suggesting a compromise, can dog not stay in house and keep regular checks on it?

Why is no one suggesting a compromise, can dog not stay in house and keep regular checks on it?

Because it's not the host's job to do so.
The dog is untrained and not properly socialized. It would tear the house apart if left unattended. Spanials are high needs (love them, owned one).

Ain’t no dog coming to my house!

Found this online....

Assistance dogs carry out specific tasks that directly support a person with a disability or long-term condition—such as PTSD, autism, or anxiety. These tasks may include providing deep pressure during moments of distress, interrupting repetitive behaviours, or helping their handler feel safe and grounded in busy environments. Assistance dogs are matched to one individual and work alongside them daily to improve their quality of life. They are granted full public access rights under the Equality Act 2010, meaning they can legally accompany their handler in shops, restaurants, public transport, and other spaces where dogs are normally not allowed.
In contrast, therapy dogs are usually pets who visit places like care homes, hospitals, or schools to provide comfort and companionship to a variety of people. They are not trained for specific tasks or to support one person long-term. Therapy dogs do not have public access rights and may only enter certain venues with permission.
In short, assistance dogs offer life-enhancing, specialised support to one person and are legally protected as working animals, while therapy dogs provide general comfort in controlled settings as part of structured visits.

Interesting that a therapy dog is just meant to cheer someone up not provide permanent support....and your sil's untrained spaniel is clearly not highly trained assistance dog.

Tuff, she’s making out she’s got a medically diagnosed mental health issue but obviously hasn’t. Is she trying to claim benefits as well as it’s rife at present 😡?

This really annoys me at the moment, the amount of people that will try to claim their dog is a therapy dog to hide their entitled belief that rules shouldn’t apply to them which then makes everyone question genuine situations!

I trust that if her anxiety is over and above that of the average person and is not manageable without a service animal that she is in therapy accordingly? Especially if she needs a ‘service animal’.

I hate people's entitlement with their dogs - I know people love their pets but it's getting out of hand (the term 'Fur-baby' drives me nuts). I grew up with dogs (but have a bit of a phobia of large ones, having been bitten as a teenager) but they were never taken to other people's houses/social events/restaurants etc. My DD is getting married and her future in-laws are insisting on bringing their two large dogs, future brother in law a lively puppy and Nan a small one which apparently nips! For goodness sake, it's neither good for other guests or the dogs! A wedding, a BBQ (where a lively animal could be burnt) are just not the place for an excitable dog. The day is stressful enough entertaining and watching your children. Your home, your rules, although you will have to get DH to side with you.

If dogs jump up and steal human food, or they are too boisterous around little ones, it's a no-brainer. The dog stays at home until it can behave.

I love animals, and had a dig who was sweet and kind, but I'd never bring her to a BBQ (food is temptation), or around small children. There's too much going on. I find people who claim they need an untrained and unruly emotional support animal are many times attention seekers.

Its your house, your boundaries
They sound reasonable
I have two toddlers and an anxious dog , I don't think its a great mix tbh

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama

Course he does... it's his sister. how about the sil just let's it go to avoid drama? Just an idea.

Hi

Assuming you are in the UK, you might want to find the right time to tell your SIL that her dog is not a therapy dog and she has no rights to take it into the establishments she does and with her dog lacking training, she is making it harder for those that genuinely need an assistance dog to get out and about.

Therapy Dogs provide comfort and emotional support to groups of people—like patients in hospitals, residents in care homes, or students in schools, they are NOT trained to perform specific tasks for one individual as she is portraying. Therapy dogs do not have public access rights under UK law—they can only visit places where they’re invited and they are typically assessed for temperament and obedience, often through charities like Pets As Therapy. That being the case if she wants a dog to help her personally to manage a mental health condition, she needs an assistance dog.

In the UK, therapy dogs do not have legal public access rights—so what she is doing can be misleading and potentially unlawful to claim a domestic pet is a therapy dog in order to gain entry into places like restaurants, gyms, or shops.

Therapy dogs are not covered under the Equality Act 2010, which protects assistance dogs trained to support individuals with disabilities.

Claiming a pet is a therapy dog to bypass access restrictions could be considered misrepresentation, especially if it causes disruption or safety concerns.

Businesses are within their rights to refuse entry to pets, including therapy dogs, unless prior permission has been granted.

I'd tell her that you are protecting your own MH, by requested that the dog is not in attendance as it makes a very stressful experience for other attendees and the safety of toddlers trumps the needs of her dog. I'd tell her that if she trains it and keeps it on a lead then you may reconsider it for distant future events.

My 16 year old tried this with our jack Russell

id be tempted to text her back and tell her it is infact, her, who is making a mockery of mental health passing her untrained pet off as a service dog.

Apologies if this has all been covered, but I wouldn’t dream of taking my spaniel sized dog to a party or barbecue with toddlers and food around unless he was on a short lead and VERY close to me the whole time, and he isn’t a sausage pincher!

It isn’t safe for the toddlers as barbecues, young children and dogs can be an accident waiting to happen! It’s also not safe for the average pet dog to be near a fire, unpredictable children and/or a potentially open gate or door.

Plus am not sure I’ve seen many therapy dogs not on a lead unless they are in their own home, but I could be wrong

You've made the right decision 💕

Couldn’t put it any better 😂

You’ve extended the invite, and stated the terms of that invitation. Your SIL then has the choice as to whether to attend or not.
Why should her “needs” (🙄) trump everyone else’s right to enjoy themselves…

Bouncy dogs and BBQs dont mix, I wouldn't have a BBQ at my house and invite my own dogs 😂

You could, come to a compromise and state the dog must be on lead at all times with her holding on to it.

It sounds like the dog is left to run wild, which really frustrates me, as it’s ruining a fantastic breed that when properly trained would be excellent family dog and therapy dog.

If she can’t see the problem with a dog with no training and young children running about, then she is not a responsible dog owner.

I hope you work it out.

Also… how is the dog helping your SIL feel less anxious when it’s running around, wreaking havoc and pissing everyone else off?? Does she take any responsibility for its actions / behaviour when she’s there, or just lets it go and be everyone else’s problem until she needs a therapeutic cuddle?