To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?”

Why is it always the person who isn't the problem who is asked to compromise?

Well done for sticking to your guns and having the balls to keep the dog away for the sakes of everyone else in attendance, rather than just SIL.

I love dogs. If there’s a dog at a party you best believe I’ll spend my time trying to befriend it!
however this dog sounds like an arse, my old dog was the same I didn’t take him to family gatherings and constantly apologised for his intrusive behaviour when people came round - my other dog was an angel and they were both brought up the same. like people, some animals are nightmares and if her dog is a genuine arse then she needs to accept some places just aren’t appropriate or if her dog is an arse because of lack of training then she just needs to put an effort in to training!
next time I’d allow her and dog, let people know it’s a nightmare dog and perhaps suggest they all say something to her at some point or comment out loud about his behaviour and it might shame her in to doing something about it

@PhilippaGeorgiou thank you very much for taking the time to write this. I found it very interesting and helpful.

I'm not sure either but an awful lot of shops are allowing dogs in now.

I don't normally take my dog into shops as I also can't see the reason why dogs need to be in shops. It just happened to be convenient on this particular occasion as I was only going to be in there for a couple of minutes. It's a very small shop and is generally pretty empty.

We have a shopping centre in the nearest town that allows dogs in and there's always loads of them there whenever I go there, without my dog, I hasten to add.

Can't image anything worse to do with my dog tbh than taking her out shopping with me.

Just coming on to add my support for untrained non-therapy dogs staying at home so well done OP in standing firm.

Also adding personal experience of having a rescue dog that came to us with severe separation anxiety . He would literally go crazy and bark/howl NON STOP if he was left alone. He got into a complete state and had we just continued to leave him, it would have driven our 2 adjoining neighbours completely bonkers. I spent months working every single day on desensitising him, and very slowly building up time so that we can now leave him for a few hours - 3 at most but enough to shop, have a meal, go to the cinema etc. It is possible but bloody hard work (Julie Naismith's 'Be Right Back' method if anyone's interested!)

The absolute entitlement of many dog owners makes me seethe. Frankly I wouldn’t want her or the dog at the BBQ. Stand your ground on this one, as she’s taking the piss. “Sorry Sheila, but we are not allowing any dogs for the reasons I’ve explained and after what happened last time. If that means you can’t come on Saturday, we understand and we’ll see you another time.”

It’s not a therapy dog and no one should pander to her snowflake behaviour.

I grew up with dogs and it was not normal to take the dog everywhere with you. I wonder if we have created a codependency with dogs these days as I'm sure dogs didn't used to spend so much time with human beings like they do now.

Me too and dogs were treated very differently. Times change and often for the better but we left our dogs for 6/7 hrs a day at home with a doggy door to access the back garden. I feel this would be severely frowned upon these days and we'd be expected to put them in doggy day care or take them with us if left for more than a few hours. Things have definitely moved on.

I'm 67 and never been without dogs around, and actually I think it has nothing to do with the dogs, and everything to do with dogs having increasingly become a "marketable commodity". With the exception of a small section of society, dogs were dogs. Now they seem to be an extension of "self", designer items, adornments, etc., etc. Just about anything other than "just dogs". People now have dogs because (and forgive me if I have all the trendy people wrong - I pay such things little attention!) "it's like that one Paris Hilton has in her handbag", or "Katie Price has one just like that", or "Beyonce says it's her favourite breed".... People now treat buying a dog like buying a dress, a handbag or a sofa - it is about them and perceptions of them, not about the dog and its needs.

I know there have always been bad dog owners, but to be honest I seriously do not recall things ever being this bad as a child. Yes we had strays a lot more, but even then they were family dogs off taking themselves for walks. Not something I or my family would do, but it was commonplace and oddly never seemed to create the issues that we see now. There was an expectation that dogs would be socialised around dogs and humans (and if they weren't it was you who was the problem, not everyone else), and there may not have been any dog whisperers around, but dogs were mostly trained even if just in the basics.

Just this morning in an hour walking my dog he has had five seperate dogs lunching at the end of their leads at him, barking and totally out of control whilst he blithely sailed past them off lead paying not a blind bit of attention. One owner yelled at me (from several feet away - her dog on an extending lead fully extended, barking and jumping around to get at my dog) that I needed to put my dog on a lead!!!! She was told in no uncertain terms that she needed to train her dog, she needed to socialise her dog, and did she realise that if her aggressive untrained dog attacked mine she would be getting a criminal conviction for it attacking a service dog. That shut her up. But seriously, much as I am a dog lover, there are too many people with dogs who consider them as an extension of themselves - the dog is entitled and badly behaved because the human is.

BTW, I should mention that most of the dogs that are the worst offenders barely reach his knees, and if he was as badly behaved as them he would have taught them some manners!

Must admit that being emotionally blackmailed into doing what someone else wants like this would have me grinding my heels into the dirt. Politely.

Think your response was perfect tbh. She will be furious that her tactic has been dismissed...but reasonably, it's your house, your event and the dog has been a nuisance before.

Prepare for further drama over this btw...an escalation. People like this hate being told no.
Stay cool, calm, pleasant. Stick to your guns.

I'm baffled as to why dog owners seem to feel entitled to take their dogs into non pet owni9ng homes.

None of our friends would dream of bringing their pets when they call on us, it's so rude.

the people who kick off when you put a boundary in place, we're the ones exploiting all the times you didn't.

Well said @PhilippaGeorgiou
I am a similar age to you, and dogs were dogs and not treated like people.

It's like they are treated as commodities. Got the house, the car and the baby, now let's get a dog to tick that box as well.

And more to the point, sensible dog owners like you get cast in the same mould as the other dog walkers you met this morning. Depressing, isn't it?

It seems you think it unacceptable to have untrained dogs.

I think since dogs have become accessories. Whilst many people profess to be animal lovers, their action says otherwise. Unfortunately, a lot people do not know how to take care and important train their dogs. Pets owners who use their dogs to meet emotional needs tend to have stressed out dogs because they don't now how to take care of them

This. Her choice not to attend without the dog.

She already has.

I own a very well behaved dog but would never push him onto somebody else if they did not want the at their house. It’s your house - your rules. I cannot tolerate people with badly behaved dogs who think it’s okay and people should put up with them. Take a bit of time and effort to train your dog properly so they’re not a pain. (Don’t get me started on owners with dogs on extendable leads)
You are completely in the right. Have a fabulous BBQ with your family and don’t give SIL a second thought. I hope the weather is lovely for you

How does she manage going into supermarkets, doctors, hairdressers, everywhere else where a dog cannot go?

I say this as a multiple dog owner, and mental health worker - She needs to get a grip. One on herself and her dog. Tell her you'll be sad not to see her, but perhaps she should ask her GP for some Propranololololol and an SSRI, to help with the anxiety .

I had a friend with a massive rabbit...she called it her therapy animal. It died. Now she also has a therapy hamster. It also died. I can only imagine they were just fed up of her shit and kicked the bucket on purpose.

I’d personally have said I would bring a tether and ensure the dog was kept on a leash - no need for it to be running riot but that would be a compromise

You need to listen to your DH. This is his sister remember? Treat her well. I take your point but say she can bring him so as to avoid drama just as he said. If it starts behaving badly like last time just grin and bear it. I take it other family members on his side will be there too. If you ban him they will think you are being bitchy and if she does not come you are going to alienate yourself from her/his family and cause an atmosphere. She sounds a nightmare. Feel it is more her you would like to ban more than the dog. In-laws are usually a nightmare and SIL’s usually jealous. It’s not every day you have to put up with her so for the sake of family diplomacy grin and bear it.

Difficult one. I have therapy dogs. I would say your SIL needs the dog with her, but spaniels are known to be a bit wild. How about you have this family bbq with out her as there are toddlers around, but maybe next week or something have a just family bbq with your SIL & her dog, maybe another adult or two if you feel it would be better. And a thought maybe the dog could be enrolled in dog agility course. Uses lots of energy that way. Maybe if you checked out the closest in her area & maybe get tour husband ti tell her all about it? Just a thought. 🙂

She is disrespecting mental health by calling a non registered or trained dog a therapy dog.

I’m with you on this, it’s hard enough entertaining guests, doing food and looking after excited toddlers. Sorry ICBA to also facilitate someone else’s dog especially who exasperates the whole day.

just reply saying “ok hope to see you next time” amd leave it. Cannot abide people putting pressure on hosts.