To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

It resulted in the dog......sticking his head in the trifle.

Sorry OP but the mental image 😂😂

I shouldn't laugh, it's no trifling matter.......

I thought I would be supportive of the dog being there, because you said it was a therapy dog and I've met some at schools, they are calm and well behaved. Then I read that it chases children and eats the food, so no, don't feel guilty about saying it can't come. If your SIL doesn't want to come either, that's up to her. She might rethink if she realises she can't join in anything.

I get really pissed off with these so called therapy dogs. Nothing against actually therapy dogs- I used to work on a pediatric psych unit and we actually had a therapy dog - but she had completed guide dog training and worked until she had to be retired due to ill health. So she was trained to the max, and was an amazing animal. But these days every numpty seems to be saying a dog is a therapy dog - and they almost universally dont train their animals at all.

Sometimes OP, you have to be the Bad Guy, but your DH should be backing you up. And sometimes if people take offence when you stand up for yourself, so be it.

If there's more back and forth. Tell her you have irrational fear of dogs and therefore you'll have to bring your therapy Gerbil with you to keep you calm. He will run about a bit and he sometimes bites, but only in a friendly way, and he's only small so you're sure she won't mind.

I think it is rude to assume a dog is always welcome without checking. As the OP points out n, it is not a ‘Therapy dog’ at all - just a poorly trained pet.
Doubt the DH is going to do anything proactive to offset the potential issues with the dog being there - so best it stays away and if SIL stays away too - that’s life. It’s a BBQ - a nice family get together- not a milestone family event!
OP - your event, your house, your rules !

I ended up texting her something simple like “Sorry we won’t see you this time - hope to catch up soon,” and just left it there. She’s read it but hasn’t responded, which is probably for the best. If she wants to sulk, that’s on her

FWIW I think your breezy (but not unfriendly) messsage was the right one to send, OP; when someone wants to create drama my own experience is that it's generally best to deflect it rather than offer more opportunities for unpleasantness

Personally I refuse all doggie visitors, partly because I have two cats but largely because it saves apologies later, but I do agree the "therapy dog" thing is getting out of hand when it simply means "I don't want to leave them behind"
As m y old mum used to say wanting isn't getting, and she'd do well to appreciate that

DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?” angle last night, but I pointed out that we did try that before - and it resulted in the dog nicking a cheeseburger and sticking his head in the trifle. So no, I think I’m done compromising.

That really made me laugh.

I think @NigelPonsonbySmallpiece solution is excellent. If she has him on a short leash the whole time and he’s an unruly as you say she might end up needing a therapy dog. A real one

This
Great response 👍

This.
Nice and breezy, tell her you're sorry she feels she can't come but you look forward to catching up with her another time.

I agree @EdithStourton so if we’re invited to a barbecue, we have to factor in how long we can leave our dog at home.

Assuming that the SIL lives less than an hour away, she can leave her dog with food and water for say three hours to attend the barbecue and he’ll be fine.

Just seen your update, sorry - that was a perfect response. If she's sulking, let her.
One of my favourite sayings is "you can't control how others react, but you can control how you react to others."
Let her get on with it, you said you are looking forward to catching up with her another time, you kept it nice, if she doesn't want to or is sulking, meh, let her.

@AshNice, I am fuming at selfish, immature, manipulative individuals like your SIL. I have been on tender-hooks all day waiting to hear if my beloved pooch has passed her foundation assistant dog exam. I delighted to say she has.

This is the exam with another two ahead of us. It has cost us thousands so far and has taken a year of training while juggling full-time demanding job, studies, a wedding and a complex physical health along with my autism.

I have challenges emotionally due to significant past trauma. However, it is individuals like your SIL who jump on a social media decide their dog is now an assistant dog. YET refuse to do the actual training needed and therefore give everyone else who is self training through the reputable organisations a bad name. It is about time the industry was regulated.

I do not take my assistant dog everywhere and only to places that she is currently welcome as a dog. Until she is fully trained with certificates to prove it.

Even at my wedding there were areas she was not allowed and went home with her trainer. You had every right to say no and she is being entitled and ignorant brat and the dog is not being treated fairly either. The behaviour needs support and the dog needs proper socialisation with humans and other dogs.

Dog sounds amazing! Might even take the dairy off my boy standing on table and battering the sausage platter 🤣🫣

Sounds like my dog! And I would NOT take it anywhere where there was food, no-one would get a minutes peace and it might also knock a child over as it too gets over excited. Too much to ask of others and I appreciate the break.

@Nextdoormat and you don’t fancy training your dog to be less of a liability?

I am surprised the dog hasn't been poisoned or got a blockage by now if it has so little self control around food (which can be taught by the way and most good owners do for safety!)

Yanbu. A lot of people (including me) would find the presence of a dog like that very anxiety-inducing, so she’s ’disrespecting mental health’ as much as anyone else by insisting on bringing it!
I work with somebody who has a therapy dog, it’s very calm and has been specially trained like a guide dog.

Well done, OP. I like it when people on here actually have boundaries and are capable of asserting them. If she comes back at you just say, ‘Sorry, Sandra. I’m having to protect my own mental health here. When you brought the dog to Bob’s birthday in May, it jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. It was horribly stressful and I just can’t face it again, especially not with three toddlers racing round the place. You are still very welcome but I understand if you can’t leave the dog alone’.

That’s appalling that you enforced your self-appointed “therapy dog” on that poor restaurant owner who was only trying to keep paying customers happy in order to maintain his livelihood! No consideration made by you for dog allergies, fear of dogs, autistic people who are petrified etc. You need to be a lot more considerate of other people’s needs, not just your own wants.

This!

A while ago I needed to pop into WH Smiths to pick something up, knowing they allowed dogs in the store I thought I'd do it following a walk with my dog.

Wanting to make sure it was ok in that particular shop I rang them beforehand to check and was told 'yes, we allow dogs but only well behave ones'. Fair enough. My dog is very calm and pretty much bomb proof.

Got there only to be met by a woman with a barking, lunging dog standing near the entrance chatting with a member of staff - they clearly knew each other well.

In order to get inside the shop my dog and I had to scoot quickly past the scary, lunging dog as the chatting owner just stood there completely ignoring the dog's awful behaviour.

I do think that there is a certain type of dog owner who just doesn't see how badly their, untrained, dogs behave and how it can impact on other people. And often, I don't think they care.

@ButteredRadish I agree that businesses are in a difficult position nowadays. They have to allow service dogs in, but have no idea whether they’re properly trained and well behaved. If they’re not, their other customers are affected and a few bad reviews can destroy a restaurant or cafe. Especially the small ones that are operating on tight margins. 😕

It’s absolutely insane to me that WHSmith are allowing dogs in store, whatever for?!

My spaniel is now very well trained - not perfect, but good (would have behaved better than your SIL’s). I wouldn't have brought him to your BBQ.

We adopted him last summer at 19 months old having been a “therapy dog” for someone with anxiety. He was an absolute nutcase, no training, no manners, boundless energy and actually severe anxiety and attachment issues himself. The mental health of the young person that had him had also absolutely spiralled as they weren't in a place to train him and knew they were effectively neglecting him.

He’s just fabulous now after a lot of hard work and with a family of experienced spaniel owners, but I really wish this therapy dog fad would end.