To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

I agree @BananaCaramel It’s also daft to think such a “compromise” would work when she’s never shown herself to be willing to keep her dog under control before.

She would just hear “dog is allowed to come” and filter out the conditions, then in reality let the dog run free when she gets there. Any pushback and she will likely say oh they’ll be fine off the lead for a minute , it’ll be ok doing this or that and basically keep pushing things.

Give people like this an inch and they’ll take a mile.

If she was a reasonable, responsible and considerate owner to begin with she wouldn’t let the dog behave the way it does.

Exactly, it is quite clear that OP doesn’t like her SIL.

Generally they would panic, and you may have to spend months undoing it. I know as I work in behaviour and training and have seen the aftermath of 'emergencies' (which this was not - we were all invited and didn't feel anything other than very welcome).

I can tell you have never had a dog or know nothing about how they think or behave if you think being left for nearly two days with a quick pop in would be enough for the vast majority of dogs!

Why would you like someone who causes a fuss and uses emotional blackmail like this?

Totally agree.

I knew someone who used to train therapy dogs, I think as hearing dogs, but maybe other things as well.

They were trained to behave impeccably and everyone made a big fuss of them.

If she wants the dog considered to be a therapy dog then she needs to train it to behave like one.
Tell her that dog cannot come.

You can't just leave a dog alone all day, then overnight, then all day again, even with someone popping in every 6-12 hours. They're not cats, they're highly social animals. They're not hamsters or rabbits.

The longest I could imagine leaving ours without anyone would be about 8 hours in a really serious emergency. The longest we'd leave them otherwise is about 5 and half hours - and that's exceptional (other, obviously, than when we're asleep upstairs, and they're sleeping downstairs).

That’s the thing I guess - I don’t really care if yours or anyone else’s dog “panics” at home. It’s a pet. It’s not a person. It has absolutely no need to be brought anywhere. Your dog, your problem. And in the OP’s case, SILs dog, SILs problem - just because it is a pita doesn’t mean she gets to inflict it upon anyone else

I think the poster is confusing dogs with cats 😂My cat didn't give a toss. Neighbour popped in to give him some more wet food the next day (he eats a special diet) and I doubt he noticed we were gone.

The behavioural fallout for a dog, even a well adjusted one, being left for longer than they can cope with can be catastrophic. It's just the way it is and what you sign up for.

Your SIL needs to train her dog properly and not allow it to steal food, or chase kids/adults. YANBU, to ask SIL not to bring the dog, so if she can't accept your request not to bring the dog with her then she can decide not to go, but playing the MH card is out of order and she shouldn't guilt you into letting the dog go with her. If it was a proper 'assistance dog' which has done training to be one, then it wouldn't go chasing children or jumping up stealing food. My friend has an assistance dog and it is one of the best trained dogs I have come across.
As an owner of two dogs myself, I wouldn't have her dog anywhere near my party.
I hope you can have a fun time without a loony spaniel stressing you out.

Oh you would care if it were your neighbour believe me.

This is rather the way I think. That a dog shouldn’t be left for longer than a few hours is a problem - but it is the SIL’s problem, not the OP’s.

In the same way, if a dog can’t behave nicely in a cafe or restaurant then it needs to stay at home. Even if it means the owner can’t go out to a cafe or restaurant because the dog also can’t be left. It isn’t the responsibility of the other people in the cafe to tolerate an untrained dog so that the owner doesn’t miss out on an experience.

I would be much more gushing in my reply so I didn’t look as though I was alienating my DH’s family. “Oh, please don’t say that, we were so looking forward to seeing you! But of course your mental health is important so if you need to stay home with your pet, totally understand!”

Reply to her text that to have the dog at the event would disrespect your own mental health as you are not in a good place with stress right now and having a poorly controlled dog around food and toddlers would exacerbate this to the extent that you couldnt host the event..

She isnt the only person with mental health

Yes exactly! You got a dog, if you don’t want to leave that dog then that might mean you have to miss out on things. That’s your choice and you don’t get to inflict the animal upon other people just to facilitate your attendance. It’s not something that needs to be accommodated by anyone else

Unpopular on this site I know, but I can't help but chuckle at the dog eating all the sausages.

!00%

I completely agree. If the dog can't behave or the SIL isn't willing to manage it so it can then she needs to make alternative arrangements. I don't think anyone is arguing about that. I've missed out on stuff when my dog was a pup and it wasn't appropriate to take her and we couldn't leave her long enough comfortably. Now she either gets left or taken but if she gets taken then she behaves. Something we trained from a young age.

Emotional blackmail isn't on. If the OP wants the SIL there then she needs to be firm and tell her the dog needs to be under control. If she doesn't then she can say what she likes and the SIL doesn't come, has dog looked after or leaves the dog at home.

I’m can almost guarantee the dog is not good on the lead and will pull towards the food, won’t sit still or nicely etc. I can also predict that sil will not want to be encumbered with her dog all day.

When you say ‘let it stretch its legs’, due you mean go off-lead? Op has already stated that’s a recipe for disaster. The sil could take it around the block for a walk though.

However, best option, don’t take the dog.

(From a dog owner, who understands that having a dog limits your life in certain ways).

You are not all unreasonable. It would be a hard no from me.

Just no.

I've met someone who had a small dog and called it a "working dog". I asked in what way is it working and they said an assistance dog for their MH. I replied oh was it provided by a charity and she looked at me blankly then said no I just bought him of Pets for Homes!
Say see you soon to your SIL, lot less hassle for you all round.

Well I did say it would be unpopular.

"Disrespecting mental health" tells me everything I need to know... Tell her you'll do another day together somewhere that's more suitable for her dog, like a park or her own home.

I can never understand people who try and bring their dogs to other peoples events! And I say that as a dog owner myself.

We have a relative who does this often without asking (not a guide/therapy or support dog in any way) so I always specify that the event is for ‘humans only.’

I have nothing against them or their dogs, but I have guests who aren’t keen and know of family arguments that have arisen around dogs and kids (being growled at/knocked over or whatever) and it’s too much aggravation and not worth it.