to move to get ds out of trouble even tho we can't really afford it

[GreyPigeons]

hi sorry if this is all a bit of a mess im just really really struggling and not thinking straight half the time anymore. my ds is nearly 17 and hes gone totally off the rails i dont even recognise him anymore. i KNOW its county lines now not just guessing. hes got new phones hidden all over his room and clothes i know i didnt buy. money goes missing from my purse and he never has any answers just shouts or slams out or laughs in my face. hes barely here half the time but when he is its horrible walking on eggshells doesnt even come close

hes violent not just moody or teenage attitude but properly scary sometimes especially when dh is out working nights or earlys. he pushes me or grabs me or throws things, not like little tantrums its like hes so angry and im just there. last week he pinned me against the fridge cause i asked where he’d been and told him his little brother had been up crying waiting for him. then he just let go and walked off like nothing happened. i shake writing this but i dont know what else to do. dh tries with him but hes not his dad and its always been tense between them recently but that hurts extra cause they used to be so close. dhs been in his life since he was 2 and used to call him dad when he was little. they were proper close before. now its like all thats gone and he hates him just for being there

he used to be such a sweet boy really loving and gentle always looking out for his younger siblings and polite and chatty with people. but it all started to go wrong around year 7 like slowly at first just attitude and answering back and skipping homework then it just got worse and worse. he finished year 11 this june but it was a mess. he was barely going in most days and then he walked out of his english exam halfway through said he couldn’t be bothered. hes meant to be starting college in september but i honestly doubt he’ll show up at all. he dont care about anything anymore except his “mates” who are all trouble

we got 3 little ones 8 5 and a toddler just turned 2 and theyre scared i can see it. the older two flinch when he walks in or go silent and the littlest cries when theres shouting which is most nights now. hes bringing bad people to the door and last night he came home covered in bruises black eye fat lip and just said “dont worry about it” and went to bed like that was normal. he wont talk to anyone. we got social worker and police and youth offending people involved ages ago but he dont care they come round and he lies or acts like hes misunderstood and they believe it half the time

im thinking about moving just getting out of this area and starting fresh but its not that simple is it? we’ve got no money to spare and the kids all settled in school and nursery and it would mean starting all over again. and part of me thinks he’ll just find more trouble wherever we go cause maybe its just who he is now but i cant keep living like this i really cant. its like having a stranger in my house whos dangerous and i hate saying that cause hes my son and i love him but he scares me sometimes and its worse when dhs not here cause then theres no backup and i try to stay calm and not set him off but sometimes just asking him to wash his plate sets him off

i didnt grow up like this and i didnt want this for him his dads in and out of prison and i wanted better i tried to do better but its like i failed anyway. i never post on here just read but i just feel broken now and dont know what to do anymore. aibu to think moving might help even though we cant afford it and it might not even change anything? i dont know what to do

sorry for the long post and if it makes no sense im just so tired and sad and scared most of the time now

Can you swap council houses? Look on the website where you can swap and see what's available. Are you in London? You could get somewhere nice if you moved out. I think that seems to be your only option.

@GreyPigeons your social worker is right that few foster families might be willing to take him (although some are specialists and would do) but that does NOT mean they can just shrug and leave him to it. He is a child exposed to CCE (childhood criminal exploitation). It is a form of trafficking. Social services and police are not always very good at it but there is help available if you fight for it.

If my child was in this situation and I could possibly afford it I would bypass it all and take them away for a year abroad. Abroad as in a LONG way away. Volunteering, camping, hiking the Appalachian trail, whatever - but I would make sure it was outside Europe, that there was movement (so as not to end up in one city for the whole time) and I would make it a full year. And I'd get rid of his old phone too - total change of number and ideally no or limited access to social media. If your DH's family are abroad, would their country be an option? I appreciate a huge upheaval for the whole family and it might not be possible.

Failing that - I've only read your posts not the replies so apologies if I'm repeating what anyone else has said but I would try the following:

• Urgent assessment for neurodiverse or SEMH conditions (dad is in and out of prison, he is vulnerable to CCE, that is all the evidence you should need to get at least an assessment)
• Simultaneously, application for an EHCP with a view to a residential college out of area away from these 'friends'
• Contact social services and tell them that you have been trying to get help for him for (however long) and he is now being physically harmed - what are they going to do about it, and how do they feel about being sued if he comes to any further harm. The state has a pre-emptive duty to prevent Article 3 harm (which trafficking is) and to prevent trafficking (which CCE is). You have a child who is being subjected to trafficking. The fact that he's a moody blighter who appears quite complicit with the trafficking is completely irrelevant - that is how these networks operate. Raise Cain with social services, the police, your local MP and anybody else who might actually shift their arse and help you.

You must be absolutely bereft. I wish you the very best of luck.

Sorry just a couple more things, can you get a Ring doorbell? I would advise that, because of what you said about people turning up. Also report him missing if he doesn’t come home, and tell them you’re worried about county lines. It will help bring him to police attention as a victim.

Absolutely, your SW has checked out.
There are specialist foster carers who are experienced in cases like this, my friend is one, he's an ex army sergeant and nothing scares him. Trouble is, specialist, therapeutic foster care is really expensive and SS won't want to pay for it if they have cheaper alternatives (ie he lives at home).
Have you discussed moving away with him, in a calm manner? I'm not judging at all but things sound v fraught and his step dad hitting him isn't exactly modelling great behaviour.
If you can talk things through you might discover a very frightened young lad under all the bravado.

Another alternative would be some sort of residential training course, like the army college at Harrogate which accepts from age 16. I'm guessing he would refuse that, but you never know.

Every time he assaults you - and it is assault - you need to inform the police. He is abusing you and for the sake of you all you need further support from outside agencies. I hope you can find some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Social care might indeed have concerns about the safety of your younger children, yes, however I would think that they would support you to make a plan for alternative living arrangements for your son as that is the obvious solution.If he had somewhere to go and you then still refused to make him leave, putting your younger ones at risk when it could be avoided, I would imagine the level of concern would escalate further.

Look up a charity called Justice in Motion. I’m not sure if they are national but they maybe able to advise. I work in a secondary school and they recently did a county lines workshop with some of our children. Moving may not be the answer you hope for. I feel for you, I have teen children and the thought, let alone reality of this, terrifies me.

This sounds awful :( Even with a lot of professional support it can be really hard to get away from County Lines. Have you spike to the social worker about moving? These networks sometimes stretch a long distance so it's no guarantee things will change. You'd also be best getting support in place as soon as you get to a new area to try and prevent him falling in with the same crowds again. Does he even want out? At his age he may just refuse to move and if he is left where he is reliant on the people exploiting him then he is just deeper in it.

do you know what it is that makes him attracted to this?
group belonging/money/feeling "cool"/his own access to drugs?
or do they have some sort of blackmail over him?

The trouble is he feels he can’t tell you or anyone, no matter how much he would like to. He’s scared and probably wants to protect you all. He’s in too deep and can’t see a way out.

Watch Alfie’s story on you tube. I think there are two or three parts. It shows how kids are drawn in and they feel can’t escape.

Offer him a way out. Discuss a move. If he seems even half way interested then it’s worth investigating.

But he’s got to want to do it. Otherwise you need to say how much you love him but for his own sake and for the other kids sake then you have no option but to use tough love and get him to move out.
You’ll have to insist as no one will help unless they are forced to, so you’ll have to literally throw him out. So tough but what other choice do you have? You have other kids to safeguard.

Can you ask social services if there is any supported living accommodation in your area for young men? There is one in my town and it is staffed 24 hours. It is for young men/ teenagers who have left care and who are in danger of getting involved in crime and need extra support to live independently. It might not suit your son but obviously he wouldn’t be able to go into foster care. Sometimes there is a waiting list for these places so it is worth asking now.

There are three of these types of accommodation in my town which I know about due to a family member who was getting into a lot of trouble. Btw in their case they were being financially exploited by a group of older ‘friends’ who wanted money for weed and the police arrested some of them over it. Now they are away from this group they are doing much better.

"at 17 he knows what he is going is wrong and thinks he’s untouchable. You need to show him he is not"

in my experience most 17 year olds in this position see themselves as far from untouchable. Most are pretty terrified of the people who are pulling the strings behind the scenes and are very scared of the repercussions to speaking out or "getting out". He is still a child who's being manipulated and criminally exploited.

There’s no way I would uproot the lives of 5 other people just for one person. Can’t he go and stay with family elsewhere for a while, as pp have said? Any other family members who could talk to him?