to move to get ds out of trouble even tho we can't really afford it

[GreyPigeons]

hi sorry if this is all a bit of a mess im just really really struggling and not thinking straight half the time anymore. my ds is nearly 17 and hes gone totally off the rails i dont even recognise him anymore. i KNOW its county lines now not just guessing. hes got new phones hidden all over his room and clothes i know i didnt buy. money goes missing from my purse and he never has any answers just shouts or slams out or laughs in my face. hes barely here half the time but when he is its horrible walking on eggshells doesnt even come close

hes violent not just moody or teenage attitude but properly scary sometimes especially when dh is out working nights or earlys. he pushes me or grabs me or throws things, not like little tantrums its like hes so angry and im just there. last week he pinned me against the fridge cause i asked where he’d been and told him his little brother had been up crying waiting for him. then he just let go and walked off like nothing happened. i shake writing this but i dont know what else to do. dh tries with him but hes not his dad and its always been tense between them recently but that hurts extra cause they used to be so close. dhs been in his life since he was 2 and used to call him dad when he was little. they were proper close before. now its like all thats gone and he hates him just for being there

he used to be such a sweet boy really loving and gentle always looking out for his younger siblings and polite and chatty with people. but it all started to go wrong around year 7 like slowly at first just attitude and answering back and skipping homework then it just got worse and worse. he finished year 11 this june but it was a mess. he was barely going in most days and then he walked out of his english exam halfway through said he couldn’t be bothered. hes meant to be starting college in september but i honestly doubt he’ll show up at all. he dont care about anything anymore except his “mates” who are all trouble

we got 3 little ones 8 5 and a toddler just turned 2 and theyre scared i can see it. the older two flinch when he walks in or go silent and the littlest cries when theres shouting which is most nights now. hes bringing bad people to the door and last night he came home covered in bruises black eye fat lip and just said “dont worry about it” and went to bed like that was normal. he wont talk to anyone. we got social worker and police and youth offending people involved ages ago but he dont care they come round and he lies or acts like hes misunderstood and they believe it half the time

im thinking about moving just getting out of this area and starting fresh but its not that simple is it? we’ve got no money to spare and the kids all settled in school and nursery and it would mean starting all over again. and part of me thinks he’ll just find more trouble wherever we go cause maybe its just who he is now but i cant keep living like this i really cant. its like having a stranger in my house whos dangerous and i hate saying that cause hes my son and i love him but he scares me sometimes and its worse when dhs not here cause then theres no backup and i try to stay calm and not set him off but sometimes just asking him to wash his plate sets him off

i didnt grow up like this and i didnt want this for him his dads in and out of prison and i wanted better i tried to do better but its like i failed anyway. i never post on here just read but i just feel broken now and dont know what to do anymore. aibu to think moving might help even though we cant afford it and it might not even change anything? i dont know what to do

sorry for the long post and if it makes no sense im just so tired and sad and scared most of the time now

I agree with everyone that you need to start calling the police every time he attacks you and telling them about the drugs. I’m sure it’s heartbreaking to watch what’s happened to him but your poor other children are suffering here and you are not safe. You can’t uproot their whole lives to try and help your eldest, violent son. He needs to go.

Get him out of the door. Social services otherwise will come for you

You can still support him but he needs to live elsewhere

I would talk to him. If he wants a chance at a reboot, then definitely move. Ideally look for someplace where he can get into some sort of education or training program that suits his personality. If he threatens to not go with you or to keep doing what he is doing, the path won’t be as clear.

I agree with moving if you have the means, but you need to have support lined up for where you go to in order to make sure he a) doesn't just run back to where you are now and end up in a more vulnerable position or b)repeat old patterns. Unfortunately people will actively prey on kids like your son. It's insidious and becomes very manipulative and hard to get out of so if you can get him out of the area and he agrees to go with you then I would do it. I work in this field and I've seen young people his age turn things around but it's taken a lot of intervention and ultimately they need to be willing to accept change. If you move you'll need to give it everything and I'd pour a lot of energy into filling his time with every hobby under the sun. There is funding available for that through police and ss but you might need to go through a specialist youth worker to access it.

There is a safeguarding issue here for him, he's being exploited whether he realises it or not and a multi disciplinary response is needed here to protect him. But there is also a safeguarding concern for your younger kids. I personally would move and throw everything at it, and if it doesn't work then you know you did all you could and at the very least your younger kids are away from this and might not end up down the same path.

I'm so sorry op, it's heartbreaking. The people who do this are evil.

I would move. Very far away and very isolated. There are often council house swaps to be had in isolated places. Some Scottish islands are offering money for moving there. If you’re remote enough they won’t come looking for him.
Its all very well saying prison will sort him out but most people I know come out in a worse state and it’s easy to say kick him out as he’s not their son.

I am sorry. This sounds really tough. I think you need professional support. https://www.redthread.org.uk/
is a great organisation but not sure if they can help. Maybe they can signpost?
I wish you and your son all the best

You really need to talk to SS about the safeguarding issues here, both for your 16 year old and the younger children. There is likely to be an officer with specific responsibility for children at risk of exploitation, and IME they take it very seriously: I know of a 16 year old who was taken into care for this reason. Make a lot of noise about this and make it clear that if harm comes to any of your children you will make it very clear that they had been told about the risk.

No I wouldn’t move. And what he needs is a sharp shock so I would be reporting him to the police

he is not just damaging your family by taking part in county line activity but also other families

I know it sounds hard but you have to protect you and your other children

at 17 he knows what he is going is wrong and thinks he’s untouchable. You need to show him he is not

I’d contact your local council for help, they should have an exploitation team. It’s worth a try x

just wanted to add some more for the people asking about his dad - he doesn’t have any contact with him. his dads in and out of prison himself and ds hasn’t seen him for years now. when he was younger his dads family used to take him to visit him in prison without asking me first which really upset me but we’ve had no contact with them for a long time either. they just disappeared off once they couldn’t use him to play happy families anymore. so no help there at all

i worry it’s getting worse now with him turning up beat up last night. that wouldn’t of happened for nothing and he’s not saying what went on. he told me today he got jumped but i dont believe him really or not the full truth anyway. earlier on my 8yo was trying to show him something on his game and ds just seemed really on edge checking his phone constantly then he left again and hes still not back now. its nearly 10pm and im sat here wondering if the police will come to the door or if he’ll just roll in like nothing happened

the youth offending team - i think thats what theyre called, the police got them involved after i phoned about him being mixed up in county lines - came round and gave him one of those talks about what it is and how kids get groomed and used. he just sat there acting bored, staring at his phone. like he already knows it all or just dont care. and he won’t say who he’s hanging around with now, just tells me to shut up or that he’s going out and slams the door

If you have the chance to move and any reasonable possibilities, I would. Foster care will just increase the distance between you. I am so sorry, family members have gone through this and it is devastating. They ended up losing a load of money to it as well, police were no help at all.

I naively thought there would be some kind of county lines support thing but apparently not - even when they knew he was drug running the police never even mentioned the phrase county lines to them. It's really awful.

Is there maybe a support organisation/charity made up of people who have a lot of experience dealing with it? They might be able to advise on what to do for the best.

If he has money from somewhere then moving won’t stop him returning . I agree you should report each incident. There’s another mum on here experiencing far worse violence from her teen but won’t go to the police. Don’t let that happen to you x

1 It’s not your fault or anything to do with you, 9 times out of 10 it’s who they hang about with, it’s unfair to move the little ones yes but he’s still your son so I would honestly move and if it fails at least you tried for your son, to the people saying get him out the house, that’s her son your talking about she can’t just abandon him at the age of 17 because of his shitty behaviour, he needs a good talking to from his dad or uncle a male in his life and a move away from this group he will most likely be around ! All the best xx

I'm sorry you're dealing with this op.

Moving may not make any difference, he won't go, if he's in too deep.

Try and talk with him, offer him the move and the support and if that fails then you need to ask him to leave. Make it clear that you love him and you'll support him in making changes, but you will not tolerate his behaviours towards you and his criminal behaviour.

You need to report him every time he attacks you, no matter how small the incident. He might just need a night in the cells to help him see things for what they are.

It's up to you weather you hand the drug running evidence to the police.

You need to protect yourself and your younger children. You don't want them witnessing his behaviours and following suit.

You could try contacting your local youth service or young offending service or the NSPCC for some support and advice.

I know a professional who works in Children's Services and this even happened to her child. No one is immune.

In the end she moved her child to the other end of the country.

If it were me I'd move somewhere cheap and remote with lot's of training options for your teen, think shipping, trades, fishing industry - anything to remove them from the network.

The sooner you do it the better chance you have of saving your son.

It may seem drastic - but you could save your son's future.

Destroy all their phones. You can only do this whilst they are 17. The second they turn 18, you can do nothing.

It sounds like Catch-22 or St Giles Trust might be helpful and The Children's Society.

What a nightmare- they’ll track him down quite easily if you move so I wouldn’t bother.

I would recommend that he moves out. He could go to the homeless team at the council or simply ring SW and tell them he can’t come home. They have got a duty of care.

https://ivisontrust.org.uk/ this is an organisation the support parents of children who are being exploited. They may be able to help and suppot you

https://www.riseuk.org.uk/get-help/about-domestic-abuse/child-to-parent-abuse

So sorry, OP, this must be terribly stressful and difficult. The link above has a helpline for parents suffering abuse from their children.

I hope you can find a way through.

I would move but only if he is on board. Your younger children are scared of him and he needs to change. Otherwise he needs to move out.

He is nearly an adult in law.
You can move you and other dc and leave him behind
Or you need to get him to leave and away
Try get him arrested might be only way forward

Whatever the social worker says, they will have a duty to find him somewhere to live if you refuse to have him in your home - and quite rightly, too.

Then you could move to ensure your younger children are safe and there's no chance of him or somebody else who is pissed off with him turning up at your door. You have to put them - and you - first.

he assaulted you and DH on multiple occasions. There are much younger children in the house. Your mentioned a SW. is the SW aware if the violence. You need to call the police every time he is violent or assaults anyone. This will eventually also trigger more support but your priority should be to make sure you (and the younger siblings) are save in your own home.

Where is his dad. I would send him the live with him if that is an option. He really needs to go. And sorry for what you are dealing with.

oh my you are much further and deeper into this than i initially assumed.
to "save" your other children you indeed may have to move BUT if in council housing you might just end up in the same situation do you and your partner both work nearby/are you limited to the same city/same area?