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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move to get ds out of trouble even tho we can't really afford it

88 replies

GreyPigeons · 30/07/2025 20:35

hi sorry if this is all a bit of a mess im just really really struggling and not thinking straight half the time anymore. my ds is nearly 17 and hes gone totally off the rails i dont even recognise him anymore. i KNOW its county lines now not just guessing. hes got new phones hidden all over his room and clothes i know i didnt buy. money goes missing from my purse and he never has any answers just shouts or slams out or laughs in my face. hes barely here half the time but when he is its horrible walking on eggshells doesnt even come close

hes violent not just moody or teenage attitude but properly scary sometimes especially when dh is out working nights or earlys. he pushes me or grabs me or throws things, not like little tantrums its like hes so angry and im just there. last week he pinned me against the fridge cause i asked where he’d been and told him his little brother had been up crying waiting for him. then he just let go and walked off like nothing happened. i shake writing this but i dont know what else to do. dh tries with him but hes not his dad and its always been tense between them recently but that hurts extra cause they used to be so close. dhs been in his life since he was 2 and used to call him dad when he was little. they were proper close before. now its like all thats gone and he hates him just for being there

he used to be such a sweet boy really loving and gentle always looking out for his younger siblings and polite and chatty with people. but it all started to go wrong around year 7 like slowly at first just attitude and answering back and skipping homework then it just got worse and worse. he finished year 11 this june but it was a mess. he was barely going in most days and then he walked out of his english exam halfway through said he couldn’t be bothered. hes meant to be starting college in september but i honestly doubt he’ll show up at all. he dont care about anything anymore except his “mates” who are all trouble

we got 3 little ones 8 5 and a toddler just turned 2 and theyre scared i can see it. the older two flinch when he walks in or go silent and the littlest cries when theres shouting which is most nights now. hes bringing bad people to the door and last night he came home covered in bruises black eye fat lip and just said “dont worry about it” and went to bed like that was normal. he wont talk to anyone. we got social worker and police and youth offending people involved ages ago but he dont care they come round and he lies or acts like hes misunderstood and they believe it half the time

im thinking about moving just getting out of this area and starting fresh but its not that simple is it? we’ve got no money to spare and the kids all settled in school and nursery and it would mean starting all over again. and part of me thinks he’ll just find more trouble wherever we go cause maybe its just who he is now but i cant keep living like this i really cant. its like having a stranger in my house whos dangerous and i hate saying that cause hes my son and i love him but he scares me sometimes and its worse when dhs not here cause then theres no backup and i try to stay calm and not set him off but sometimes just asking him to wash his plate sets him off

i didnt grow up like this and i didnt want this for him his dads in and out of prison and i wanted better i tried to do better but its like i failed anyway. i never post on here just read but i just feel broken now and dont know what to do anymore. aibu to think moving might help even though we cant afford it and it might not even change anything? i dont know what to do

sorry for the long post and if it makes no sense im just so tired and sad and scared most of the time now

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 30/07/2025 20:38

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this but for the sake of your own safety and the safety of your other children, he needs to leave.

Gardendiary · 30/07/2025 20:40

I don’t know a lot about this, aside from stuff picked up at work (secondary) but I believe the advice is to do exactly what you are suggesting and get out of the area. I know where pupils at my school have been involved they have managed moved them to schools outside the locality to break the ties. Im so sorry you are going through this, it sounds tremendously stressful. Do you have somewhere to sell or are you in council/housing association. If the latter then a swap might be the speediest option.

Withdjsns · 30/07/2025 20:41

To be honest as sad as it is to say, I think you’ll find that he will find trouble where ever he goes until he has the realisation himself that he doesn’t want that life

Swampdonkey123 · 30/07/2025 20:44

I think if there is any way you can move it would be worth it. It sounds like he’s got in deep and you need to drag him back out somehow.

AbzMoz · 30/07/2025 20:47

It’s clear you need a plan.

Do you have any relatives out of area he could stay with to get out of the environment for a bit? If he’s not on the road to college, is there some work placement he could get on?
I think for sake of your other kids he needs to either brush up or move out. Moving your family might be worth a go but he is likely to be resentful / might move back into the bad crowd (or a new one) anyway?

You haven’t failed - you’re recognising the problem and will act to find a solution. That’s all anyone can ask.

Squishymallows · 30/07/2025 20:47

I would say definitely move.

But and a big but….But then he needs to want change too. What happens if you spend money and effort moving and he gets in trouble right away again in the new place. He needs to want a fresh start too.

Fraggeek · 30/07/2025 20:48

I would be worried moving would trigger the violent behaviour would become worse

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/07/2025 20:51

He has to go. I’m so sorry, this is an absolutely horrific decision to have to make, but you can’t have him living under the same roof as your younger three, it will be doing them huge amounts of damage. If you move I think it’s very likely he’ll just run away back to where you’ve moved from so you’ll have uprooted your family and damaged your finances for nothing.

BreakingBroken · 30/07/2025 20:51

does he know that you know it's country lines/selling drugs?
has he outright told you or you have so many strong suspicions it's obvious?
if he's not open to any further discussions i would simply report him to the police he will need help to get out of this mud puddle his is in.
it may involve the school eventually and yes may mean moving BUT no this is not "him" his violence is asking for help.

PortraitofHer · 30/07/2025 20:55

Are there other services involved? School, police, social care? You need support to work through this including conversations with your DS.

He needs to be on board or there is no point uprooting.

Does he have a relationship with his dad? What support can he offer?

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/07/2025 20:55

Sorry OP but you need to put the rest of your family first. It will be incredibly difficult, of course it will, but you need to get the police involved. He’ll hate you now but thank you later. That’s what I would do. I’d go so far as to say that you’ll be failing him if you don’t.

Frogs88 · 30/07/2025 20:55

Would he actually go if you moved? At that age he might just go stay at friend’s houses. Maybe social services would be able to offer some support? Any MH concerns? If he’s not willing to move/change his behaviour then I think you need to get him removed from the house as that is not safe for the younger kids.

Zanatdy · 30/07/2025 20:56

I doubt he would go with you OP, even if you said you were relocating. He would probably move in with a mate. Is there any professional organisations that you can offer you advice? It sounds dreadful and as the parent of 2 teens, you have my sympathy.

northernballer · 30/07/2025 20:56

I have no advice but I'm sorry you're going through this, you sound like you're trying to do your best in an awful situation.

Sminty2 · 30/07/2025 20:57

You are in an awful situation and I’m so sorry that you and your family have to deal with this. Drugs and county lines are so difficult to deal with.

If you move, sadly, there’s no guarantee he won’t get involved again. They are everywhere.

C4 had a program on 24 hours in police custody called Lost Boys recently and it focused on this issue. Some families were given relocation deals in exchange for information. I don’t know how they did it, or even if you could consider it but it might be worth a watch and to find out more information.

Good luck.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 30/07/2025 20:58

Have you told the police? If not you need to.

Appletrig · 30/07/2025 21:01

This is heartbreaking, you poor love. I agree with others - he can’t live in your house with the little ones.

Profhilodisaster · 30/07/2025 21:04

Moving won't make any difference, if he is as entrenched as he seems to be. Do not tolerate the violence, call the police - every time (hardest thing that I ever did but it did trigger more help)
This is not something that you can manage without external help.

Skippydoodle · 30/07/2025 21:04

GreyPigeons · 30/07/2025 20:35

hi sorry if this is all a bit of a mess im just really really struggling and not thinking straight half the time anymore. my ds is nearly 17 and hes gone totally off the rails i dont even recognise him anymore. i KNOW its county lines now not just guessing. hes got new phones hidden all over his room and clothes i know i didnt buy. money goes missing from my purse and he never has any answers just shouts or slams out or laughs in my face. hes barely here half the time but when he is its horrible walking on eggshells doesnt even come close

hes violent not just moody or teenage attitude but properly scary sometimes especially when dh is out working nights or earlys. he pushes me or grabs me or throws things, not like little tantrums its like hes so angry and im just there. last week he pinned me against the fridge cause i asked where he’d been and told him his little brother had been up crying waiting for him. then he just let go and walked off like nothing happened. i shake writing this but i dont know what else to do. dh tries with him but hes not his dad and its always been tense between them recently but that hurts extra cause they used to be so close. dhs been in his life since he was 2 and used to call him dad when he was little. they were proper close before. now its like all thats gone and he hates him just for being there

he used to be such a sweet boy really loving and gentle always looking out for his younger siblings and polite and chatty with people. but it all started to go wrong around year 7 like slowly at first just attitude and answering back and skipping homework then it just got worse and worse. he finished year 11 this june but it was a mess. he was barely going in most days and then he walked out of his english exam halfway through said he couldn’t be bothered. hes meant to be starting college in september but i honestly doubt he’ll show up at all. he dont care about anything anymore except his “mates” who are all trouble

we got 3 little ones 8 5 and a toddler just turned 2 and theyre scared i can see it. the older two flinch when he walks in or go silent and the littlest cries when theres shouting which is most nights now. hes bringing bad people to the door and last night he came home covered in bruises black eye fat lip and just said “dont worry about it” and went to bed like that was normal. he wont talk to anyone. we got social worker and police and youth offending people involved ages ago but he dont care they come round and he lies or acts like hes misunderstood and they believe it half the time

im thinking about moving just getting out of this area and starting fresh but its not that simple is it? we’ve got no money to spare and the kids all settled in school and nursery and it would mean starting all over again. and part of me thinks he’ll just find more trouble wherever we go cause maybe its just who he is now but i cant keep living like this i really cant. its like having a stranger in my house whos dangerous and i hate saying that cause hes my son and i love him but he scares me sometimes and its worse when dhs not here cause then theres no backup and i try to stay calm and not set him off but sometimes just asking him to wash his plate sets him off

i didnt grow up like this and i didnt want this for him his dads in and out of prison and i wanted better i tried to do better but its like i failed anyway. i never post on here just read but i just feel broken now and dont know what to do anymore. aibu to think moving might help even though we cant afford it and it might not even change anything? i dont know what to do

sorry for the long post and if it makes no sense im just so tired and sad and scared most of the time now

Please feel free to message me. We had a similar situation with my boy at 15. He is 18 now. It’s so hard. The drugs are everywhere- we are very rural. It can change BUT it is not easy & you have to have a hard line, especially because of your younger ones (I didn’t have that extra worry). We have come out the other side & everything is so very good now. There can be light at the end of the tunnel!

NeverAlways · 30/07/2025 21:05

I think he might be too old to benefit from a move. I wouldn’t uproot your whole family. As pps said he would either come back to your area where he has connections or he would look for new ones where you are.

I understand how you feel as I have a family member who briefly got involved with older people doing drugs. Once I gave them a lift and they were acting crazed and desperate for money and they assaulted me. I called the police and they were arrested. I know what you mean when you say how frightening it is. I don’t think you can live with him any more. I am very wary of this family member and I won’t give them a lift again.

I think if you moved it should be to get away from him for your own safety.

FedupMum2024 · 30/07/2025 21:06

You have three younger children.
You need to protect them, and yourself, by throwing him out and let the social deal with him from here.

Never a happy ending with these lads once they take this route though. I have seen it many times as part of my job.
If he really has gotten himself tangled up in the world of county lines as opposed to just a bit of extreme teenage rebellion then prison or dead is usually the final destination.

AmIJustAnUnreasonsbleBitch · 30/07/2025 21:07

Squishymallows · 30/07/2025 20:47

I would say definitely move.

But and a big but….But then he needs to want change too. What happens if you spend money and effort moving and he gets in trouble right away again in the new place. He needs to want a fresh start too.

Edited

Exactly. Is he sufficiently scared to change his ways? If not, he's not in trouble, he is trouble.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/07/2025 21:08

What a horrible mess. Can you talk to him to tell him you can see he’s in trouble, and you think a move out of area might help, find out if he would come with you?
If you think he would, then I would arrange a move some distance away, but don’t tell him exactly where until it’s sorted - I’d be worried he’d let the cat out of the bag.
My view is that none of you are safe where you are. I think telling the police could backfire, so don’t do it until you’ve moved and do not reveal your new address to the police or anyone else.

MimiSunshine · 30/07/2025 21:09

If you can move and you think you can get him out of the area with you then don’t worry too much about his settled the younger ones are in school etc.
they’ll adapt and they’ll be fine.

but you’d really have to move significantly far away, real totally change your whole life and jobs kind of move. Otherwise he’ll just buses or picked up or something and stay in contact with the people he’s involved with.

but realistically that will be very difficult, it doesn’t sound like he’ll engage and he receptive to that so you have to kick him out. You have to do it for your own safety and that of your little children.

they are now in an abusive household, witnessing their mother being abused. And are scared of their brother.
dont underestimate to the risk that your 8 year old could easily be dragged into this in not too many years by his older brother.

NeverAlways · 30/07/2025 21:09

When I say he is too old I mean if he was 11 or 12 he might be saved but he seems to have found his feet in this horrible role already.