AIBU not to fund DD for uni this year

[hockeysticks89]

My DD, 18 is a very emotional person. She’s recently split up with her boyfriend of two years. I knew she’d be devastated and she is, but she’s volatile, vulnerable and acting irrationally.

it’s just one event after another of poor emotional and financial decision making, she’s hooked up with a few bad men (but is no longer involved with them). A few weekends ago she took a paracetamol overdose (non toxic dose) and self harmed. The first I knew was when an ambulance turned up at 3.40am following her going out to a night club with someone she barely knows.

The university is 35 miles away and four of her friends are going. She’d be devastated if I say she can’t go this year, but I’m just so scared that she’ll get into more vulnerable situations linked to alcohol, and I won’t be there all the time to bail her out.

She was already on anti depressants and is getting professional help for her mental state.

AIBU to say get a job and stay close for a year, then maybe go next year? She can’t go if I don’t fund her. Thanks in advance.

I think that would be a bit drastic. Surely it would be better to discuss this with her, tie in with the uni pastoral services and see what she wants to do. It’s not so far away that she couldn’t come home weekends as a compromise.

If she's staying at home while attending Uni, then Uni might actually help her get some focus and maturity.

Sorry, should have said, we’ve signed a tenancy agreement for her to live in student accommodation with her friend

I think the disappointment might drive her further into depression and anger at you.ots only 35 miles away. I would be encouraging her to go . Especially as she has friends going. Doesn't look like she would be living a great life at home going out clubbing with strangers. At least at uni she will have people she knows around her. The total change could pick her up, change her mindset and be what she needs to move on from unfortunate experiences regarding the boyfriend break up. If she doesn't go none of you will ever know. I would be encouraging going and if she drops out she drops out. She won't be the first or the last to do that. It could go well and if it doesn't she can always go back later. You don't want to be the one blamed for stopping her going...I think that could go very badly. 💐

Totally unreasonable. She needs to see there's more to life than an ex boyfriend not be shut in her bedroom unable to move on.

If you've signed a tenancy agreement then there will surely be a cost to get out of that?
I still think that Uni might give her some focus and a chance to meet new nice people.

What are you going to do if she’s not changed much this time next year? You can’t keep her at home forever.

If you don’t help her then don’t be surprised if she escalates to punish you. My dd willingly took a gap year back in the day but spent September and October in a bad mood as she felt FOMO and like she was behind where her friends were. She’s even tempered so I suspect that an “emotional” type would feel it longer.

Is she under a doctor or metal health professional?
If its because of a break up, then let her go to uni, getting out of her normal situation will be the best thing that can happen to her at the moment, but keep a very close eye. If she doesn't have a therapist then get her one, we pay about £260 per month for one of our dc to have remote mental health support. (Similar age. First love break up etc).

How distressing for everyone. Feel for you both. 💐

I agree with the above. Try to work with the university welfare / wellbeing service and the professionals already working with her if you can. It would be ideal if they have permission to communicate with to one another. It will be hard for her to secure a job in her current state.

And she’s an adult so she needs to be comfortable with the way forward - health professionals will want to support her wishes as long as she’s safe.

What if she can't get a job or she's not motivated to get one? She'll have endless hours sat at home doing nothing which won't be good for her at all.

A much better compromise would be for her to live at home but still go to uni. But I think it's only fair that she gets to give it a go first really. As the tenancy is already set up it makes sense for her to start.

How long has she been on the anti depressants? They can increase risk of suicide in teens and it doesn't sound like these are helping if she's been on them a while so I would say definitely look into that with her.

This is not your decision to make.
By all means discuss with DD about whether it might be better for her to defer her place until she is feeling better. But if she wants to go ahead, that's up to her. I think if you take away your offer of funding it will rupture your relationship (and she may go anyway).

You've absolutely no chance of getting out of that contract now (unless she misses her offer). You will have to pay it whether or not she’s living there.

I'm going against the grain, but I would say best she doesn't go. Uni fees are so expensive, and if she isn't in the right space to get the most out of it, it could be a waste of money and if she drops out can you afford to fund extra years. 35 miles is so close, she can still visit her friends there on a weekend. Uni is a lot of drinking etc at the start, which could worsen her mental health difficulties.

What is she studying? Is it a very difficult course to get onto and would they accept her deferring?

Edit: Just seen update re accomodation, I'm guessing she has to go then.

Could you agree that she goes, but either she comes home every weekend or you go visit her until you’re sure she is settled and doing well?

I’m not sure what good keeping her at home when everything’s been arranged will do. She’ll feel you’re punishing her.

Is the friend who’s going with her reliable? Could you ask her to keep an eye on your daughter and let you know if anything’s amiss?

I would let her go but sit her down and have a talk to her about your concerns for her wellbeing and set caveats. She must actively be seeking work to help to support herself, you could get food deliveries sent to her but socialising funds she needs to earn herself. That she checks in with you on a regular basis and that she continues seeing someone about her mental health and medication. And tell her she can't change the past but she can change the future.

Also speak to her about getting checked if she has had multiple partners.

It could be the making of her

Why can she not get loans live every other student? Are you expected to fund all of it or a top up?

If it is a relationship breakdown they cause this then getting out into the world
and meeting new people could really help.

The last thing you want to do is damage your relationship by trying to force her to do something she doesn’t want to (by all means float the idea) and ultimately have no control over (you can’t make her stay home). Keeping a close and non judgemental relationship is absolutely vital if you want her to turn to you for help if needed.

Tell her your worries and speak to her about things that could help her if times get though - can she provide you with a location tracker, could she make sure you have friends phone numbers/ they have yours, could you have an agreement that if she calls you will go to get her at any point (my mum has always said this to me, any place, any time she will facilitate me getting home - she’d get emergency flights, she’d drive through the night etc.
thankfully I’ve never needed this!) could she sign up to counselling through uni?

I would absolutely let her go. I think to not allow her to go with her friends would be worse. She has friends looking out for her.
Get her signed up with student support and mental health services from the get go.

No. She’s an adult.

you can’t predict life anyway. Keeping her at home may cause a spiral into further depression and self harm.

moving out, responsibility, a new environment could be exactly what she needs. She won’t have time to naval gaze and dwell on her problems, she’ll have study, friends etc to keep her brain occupied.

let her go.

How will it help her depression and self harming to be devastated, held back, away from her friends and job hunting? (What job would she get?)

It sounds difficult either way, but she chose to behave that way while living with you, so how would forcing her to stay close (also, 35 miles is close) prevent further breakdowns?

Let her go
Rely on uni pastoral
Uni will take her mind off things and give her focus.

Yes YABU, taking away her passion and hope for the future will not help her mental health!

Also at uni presumably she’ll meet lots of great ambitious people and romantic connections and be much much less likely to end up with a dodgy loser than she would if she was just working in a bar in her home town with nothing else to occupy her!

You know getting miles from her trauma she had living at home might be just the right thing for her. They say 30 miles is as good as 6 months living after a bad experience. You could be preventing her moving on ie the exact opposite of what she needs right now. And, she will interpret your actions as more stress, punishment even. Your relationship may be damaged for ever.

Ultimately it is, if without the bank of mum and dad DD can't go.
If she is going to go and make the most of it and grow up a bit, great. If she is going to dick around and drink, do no work and not make the most of it, it's a waste of YOUR money.
I can see why you are thinking this way OP.