AIBU not to fund DD for uni this year

[hockeysticks89]

My DD, 18 is a very emotional person. She’s recently split up with her boyfriend of two years. I knew she’d be devastated and she is, but she’s volatile, vulnerable and acting irrationally.

it’s just one event after another of poor emotional and financial decision making, she’s hooked up with a few bad men (but is no longer involved with them). A few weekends ago she took a paracetamol overdose (non toxic dose) and self harmed. The first I knew was when an ambulance turned up at 3.40am following her going out to a night club with someone she barely knows.

The university is 35 miles away and four of her friends are going. She’d be devastated if I say she can’t go this year, but I’m just so scared that she’ll get into more vulnerable situations linked to alcohol, and I won’t be there all the time to bail her out.

She was already on anti depressants and is getting professional help for her mental state.

AIBU to say get a job and stay close for a year, then maybe go next year? She can’t go if I don’t fund her. Thanks in advance.

I’m grateful for all comments on this thread and it’s made me think, as it hasn’t gone the way I expected. I’m going to reconsider.

She can only borrow tuition fees plus around 4k, which doesn’t even cover her accommodation.

I haven’t signed my guarantor agreement yet but need to do so imminently as the first payment is due August 1st. I assumed they might release her from the contract when they heard she’d been hospitalized with the overdose.

There are some really good suggestions in this thread, thank you for taking the time to post.

The course is business with marketing.

Stopping her moving forwards won't help her. Going to uni will give her a focus and may really help.
Also, forcing her to take a year out by witholding financial support will probably damage your relationship forever.
I know it's tempting to want to fix things for her but she's an adult and she needs to work this stuff out for herself. Be there for her, emotionally as well as financially, and guide her through it. But don't force things.

She can go, it will just be a lot harder as she'll have to work (potentially a lot of hours) to supplement student loans and any other funding she can get. Which will likely not make her study outcomes or her mental health any better.

Some young adults would see being told "no" as a challenge.
And it seems that OP's DD may be prone to making impulsive decisions.

Highly doubt if you’ve signed a tenancy that you’d be able to get out of it and will still have to pay even if she doesn’t go? Has she applied for a student loan and maintenance loan?
I still remember my first break up at 17 like it was yesterday and it was 20 years go! I turned into an irrational mess, mine was just before my ALevels. I took a year out - i shouldn’t have as all my friends went to uni and it just made it worse to be honest.

I can understand it's scary, given her past mental health and choices, but it seems also a good solution that she is spreading her wings but is not far away. Also as others have said it may give her a new and fresh perspective.

I think set aside the uni / gap year decisions for the moment.

What’s the need driving all the behaviour? The overdose is a cry for help, and the dodgy relationships point to her lacking in something inside herself that she’s looking to others to fix for her.

Please get really close to her, listen to her, try to put yourself in her shoes and really hear what she needs emotionally. Then you’ll be in a much better position to figure out a practical way forward for the next year.

The reason why she’s not getting the full maintenance loan is down to your income, OP. The government views it as your responsibility to fill that gap. Pulling the plug right before she leaves is not cool. You’re also really putting the flatmate in the lurch. Keeping DD home could very well put her into a spiral.

She should go. New start, new interests, new place away from ex. If you were my mum and suggested I stay at home I would be massively resentful. Time for her to move on and become her own independent adult self. Plus on a practical note you won't be able to get out of that tenancy agreement.

Why doesn't she live at home while attending university? It sounds like the accommodation costs are huge and only 35 miles away.

Then she needs to live at home. No one is owed free accomodation and board outside of the home when studying as an adult, especially when there is a strong chance she will drop out of the course.

Living at home may be a good compromise.

It’s likely given most student areas have housing shortages you would find someone to take over the tenancy. The uni will have a counselling service and you could ask her to sign up with them so she has support. I’d also find out when the tuition fees have to be paid as usually there is a period they can drop out before you are charged so she could at least give it a try (although you still have tenancy issue). Are her friends sensible? Would they keep you in loop? it could be the new start and distraction she needs.

I think this is a mistake. You'll just push her further away. DD has just finished her first year at Uni and I was so nervous about her going, for many reasons, but she's thriving and like a different person from a year ago. Your DD is also an adult now and you can't keep making decisions for her.

It’s 35 miles away, that’s a range a lot of people
commute daily.

It sounds like doing the financing in a manner that helps learning to budget (like paying the rent direct, and a small lump at the start to budget for bigger spends and then fortnightly allowance rather than money for the whole year in one go), and agreeing a plan for what to do if is struggling is a way to go.

Haven’t read the full thread but wanted to share my thoughts as someone who works at a university with vulnerable young people.

Do you think she’s in the right place to make a success of going to university? In terms of her mental health and resilience. She will only get one year of repeat funding so if shes not in a good place and the most likely outcome is she’s going to crash out, I would say she shouldn’t go. I say this as someone who sees students every year come when they’re not in the right state to, they drop out or fail exams and have to leave and they’ve used the spare year funding and are limited later on.

Can you have an honest conversation with her about whether she feels ready? How she would keep herself safe etc?

When did the breakup happen, is it recent as in a few weeks or a few months? Was she already on antidepressants/having struggles before that, is there any other background here? Not trying to pry, just wondering if there's something specific driving the reaction then people here may be able to signpost based on experience.
What has she said about her MH herself - does she understand that she's reacting outside the norm or does she think its normal, are the friends going to university all similar when it comes to emotional setbacks or are they more steady? It can be such a big time and having calm people around her could be such a help.

My DD really struggles with emotional regulation, anxiety, and upheaval is her kryptonite. (Poor Kid. Sometimes feel that's all she's ever known, one way or another!)

Her anxiety was off the charts prior to going to uni'. Panic attacks - Every. Fucking. Day. She was on beta blockers, is now on sertraline.

Honestly, moving on to uni', getting on with her life, facing and doing the next big step, was the making of her. At one point we were all (including her) thinking that a gap year was inevitable.

She went there, was on the phone every day, sobbing. For the first two weeks. After that, she found her feet, her tribe, her vibe, and loved her course.

I think if we'd done anything to force a gap year, she would have actually spiralled far worse, as it would have fed her fears, her sense of failure and inadequacy, and her belief that happy independence was not something she could attain.

She knew we were always here to support her, any hour of the night or day, but she really needed to give it the old college try, and give it her all to make it work for a good solid chunk - at least a month, preferably a term.

Getting over a broken heart - what better way than fields afresh? She'll have friends there, plenty to do, new fellas to meet.

I'd be doing more to drum in personal responsibility for her safety, both physical and emotional, and making sure they know the girl code to have each others' backs on a night out. Also, contraception. Try to build her up, strong and bloody minded, to seize the fish, and flourish.

She needs to complete her degree. If she says she wants to go there and is committed to the course then I don't think it's fair to stop her.

She is an adult essentially. To withdraw an offer of support at this stage could well make her MH much worse. And make her feel more isolated.

This just sounds like you controlling you her. I don’t think it’s a good idea. She deserves to be in control of her own life

I wouldn't fund my child's accommodation only 35 miles away. 18 is technically an adult but she is acts very immature and dangerous. I would be very concerned for her welfare.

To be honest I think it’s wrong of you to withdraw financial support if you’re worried about her mental health. Just being honest, but living with you for a year without her agreement is going to be depressing for her. She’s looking forward to her swanky bachelorette pad with her friends, that’s going to be the dream for many 18 year olds. What you’re offering for her is going to be bland, boring and make her feel like she’s being punished. It’s also not going to be the same if she goes next year cause frankly her friends will move on and find others to live with.

Please apply for disabled student allowance and speak to student support. It is likely they can support with her mental health in terms of funding therapy etc, perhaps a mentor for her to check in with. Speak to student support first - she will have to do it - but you can support her.

Also my parents are moderate earners and my student loan was based on their income. I had little student loan as a result. My parents did not financially support me. It’s shit - I worked full time whilst at university full time.

Ultimately if she can’t rely on a student loan due to your income, then it’s shitty for you to not financially support her at all. The government is expecting you to give your kids some level of financial support, hence why she isn’t eligible for the full loan. You can do what you want with your money but you can surely see how that is going to stifle her.

They won't care what the reason is, once you've signed the tenancy you are absolutely stuck with it. No wiggle room in my experience.

Definitely reconsider and let her go. My sister is exactly the same, very emotional, gone through phases of self harming, drinking copiously, and was a constant worry to my parents. She flourished at uni, although she is still a very dramatic and emotional person, it is part of who she is.

Your DD needs to carry on with her independence and uni will help her achieve this. I mean, she has to go through life dealing with stuff such as break ups and you cannot micro manage how she does deal with this, she needs to figure it out for herself. If you stop her going, she is still going to do all the stuff that worries you, and with a massive ball of resentment on her back which is going to cause even more problems.