AIBU not to fund DD for uni this year

[hockeysticks89]

My DD, 18 is a very emotional person. She’s recently split up with her boyfriend of two years. I knew she’d be devastated and she is, but she’s volatile, vulnerable and acting irrationally.

it’s just one event after another of poor emotional and financial decision making, she’s hooked up with a few bad men (but is no longer involved with them). A few weekends ago she took a paracetamol overdose (non toxic dose) and self harmed. The first I knew was when an ambulance turned up at 3.40am following her going out to a night club with someone she barely knows.

The university is 35 miles away and four of her friends are going. She’d be devastated if I say she can’t go this year, but I’m just so scared that she’ll get into more vulnerable situations linked to alcohol, and I won’t be there all the time to bail her out.

She was already on anti depressants and is getting professional help for her mental state.

AIBU to say get a job and stay close for a year, then maybe go next year? She can’t go if I don’t fund her. Thanks in advance.

Why can't she go if you don't fund her? If she's only entitled to low student finance, can't she work to top up?

I can understand the worry, but I have to say I would be far far more concerned if my child’s mental health meant that they wanted to drop out and not go to university. That would signal a whole other level of hopelessness. The fact that she still wants to go and is motivated to live with her friend and start a new life, I would say it’s a good prognostic factor. You’re not far away if there is an emergency.

Embrace her excitement and support her and get involved with the prep, however terrified you might feel on the inside as her mum. Good luck. X

You are being unreasonable @hockeysticks89

Your daughter is already in a low place, this could send her into a very dark place. Her uni is not far away plus she has 4 friends going to the same uni - if she gets put back a year her friends will have made new friends without her and it will be harder for her to settle in.

You do need to talk to her about her behaviour. Maybe even tell her you are wondering whether you can even trust her to be safe at uni. But ultimately, I think it would be unkind to stop her going with her friends.

I think that would be a very self-defeating move which you would come to regret.

a) If she's vulnerable and depressed, university will provide some much-needed focus. What is the alternative? living with her mum and dad and feeling sorry for herself: how is that going to provide the focus and drive she needs? For all the current rhetoric about what a waste of money university is (and sometimes it is), it's still something which overall tends to enhance the life-chances of younger people and gives them something to do.
b) Hard as it is, you can't shield her from these risks. If she's determined to do something self-destructive, she can do it just as easily at home as she can at university.
c) It's not going to be productive to separate her from her friends at this point in her life.
d) Possibly most important of all, because she will really resent you for it.

What have you tried previously to build up her resilience?

Why cant she go to UNI AND get a part time job.

My mother never funded me for any year in uni. I worked a part time job to fund myself.

I think going will be much better for her mental health than staying in situ especially as her friends will be gone leaving her more likely to get involved with a new crowd

Her present behaviour might be indicative of being unable to cope with her emotions - is she in the frame of mind whereby she can work hard and come out with a 2.1 or higher?
A year out working might help or it might isolate her further.
A good long family conference about her behaviour, your unwavering support and how she feels might help?

When i went to uni, me and my friends funded ourselves with part time jobs.

So you want to give her more reasons to hate her life!
Let her go but keep an eye on her, if things go wrong be there for her but don’t do the ‘I told you so’ no one likes a know it all.

Is there any impediment to her getting a part-time job like most students? It will keep her busy while also valuing how she spends her money.

If this was my child, yes I'd take them out and keep them at home. Book her into the doctors for mental health assessment. She may have a mental illness that requires medication to stabilise her behaviour. Once she's stable, I'd offer to send her to university again.

So there are a few questions questions. One, how would it affect her - positively or negatively - to be effectively separated from her friendship group and to watch them have the experiences she expected to have, leaving her behind? The flip side being, how much benefit would it bring her to gain a bit of control over her behaviour and emotions? Is that what would happen by staying at home as opposed to going off into the world in what seems like a safe way? (Safe because she's with friends, because you could conceivable pick her up after a bad night out as she's not far away.)

And how would it affect your relationship with her? Yes she is obviously causing problems but you are her touchstone, and she might not be able to see this as it is meant. Instead she's likely to see it as a cruel punishment for effectively being herself.

I think I'd have been destroyed if I couldn't have left home when I wanted to, if my dad had said 'no, no money, you aren't ready for it'. (As it was he paid my rent and I funded the rest through work.)

So many late teens go off and it is the making of them. And yes, some go to university and behave a bit disastrously. It's a risk. Life is a risk.

BTW 'is a very emotional person' - there is usually a reason for that. I am very emotional (though not 'highly strung') and it's because I have ADHD and large amounts of rejection sensitive dysphoria (can't cope with perceived rejection or slight in a natural way, have to work really hard at remaining even).

Could there be something more to her behaviour? Because an enforced year out is not going to fix anything if she's truly got a mental health problem that needs a diagnosis.

I agree with this. Uni should not be about excessive drinking; they are using a lot of money to get further education. Partying, yes. Not working - total waste of everyone’s time & money.

I was your daughter. Going to uni, change of scene, new friends etc was the best thing that happened to me. I could definitely have done with some mental health support earlier, however, so I echo PP’s suggestion to make sure she gets a therapist. CBT worked really well for me - it’s all about changing your thought patterns so you get out of negative cycles. Highly recommend.

As so many PPs have said, it sounds like Uni might be the best thing for her, and that being kept back would make things much worse.

I realise that you will worry about her being away from home, but this is not a reason to stop her. I think it would be very detrimental.

She was taken to hospital via ambulance. If someone's brought in having suspected OD and recent history of self harming, they would have had (I hope!!) a full psychiatric evaluation done before being discharged and referred into appropriate pathway. Unfortunately waitinh lists are horrific but hopefully she was given details for crisis team?

I agree. We need to do away with this very damaging labels, and being critical of people for having a built up intolerance to criticism.

I think she needs support, but pulling her chance at uni this year could really go wrong. She might benefit from a complete change of scenery, away from memories of her break up.

I think it has to be her decision whether or not she goes. However, Uni pastoral services are a bit hit and miss and you would need to be driving her support with them. Regarding being with friends, great. But, those same friends are going to feel responsible for her and that’s a lot of pressure on them, especially when exams come around. My BFF’s DC was in a flat with a student who repeatedly made bad decisions, self harmed, overdosed and it was a nightmare for the other students.

Its a recent split give the woman a poor chance!

We were in a similar position as you. Our DD had a history of eating disorder, serious self-harm, suicide attempts and dodgy relationships. She took a year out of her own choice, worked hard and saved money, got a nicer boyfriend. Off to uni in the autumn. It's not been entirely plain sailing and we are anticipating possible trouble ahead, but for now she is moving in the right direction. Be aware that a year out brings it's own problems - particularly if the young person can't get work (it is very difficult) or is isolated from friends who have moved away. Then there are the difficulties of coping with the stresses of a job. If your DD wants to go to uni now I would say let her, but give her the option of taking a year out if she wants to (if you can afford to lose a year's rent). Otherwise let her go and support her as much as you can financially, practically and emotionally whilst she finds her feet.