AIBU not to fund DD for uni this year

[hockeysticks89]

My DD, 18 is a very emotional person. She’s recently split up with her boyfriend of two years. I knew she’d be devastated and she is, but she’s volatile, vulnerable and acting irrationally.

it’s just one event after another of poor emotional and financial decision making, she’s hooked up with a few bad men (but is no longer involved with them). A few weekends ago she took a paracetamol overdose (non toxic dose) and self harmed. The first I knew was when an ambulance turned up at 3.40am following her going out to a night club with someone she barely knows.

The university is 35 miles away and four of her friends are going. She’d be devastated if I say she can’t go this year, but I’m just so scared that she’ll get into more vulnerable situations linked to alcohol, and I won’t be there all the time to bail her out.

She was already on anti depressants and is getting professional help for her mental state.

AIBU to say get a job and stay close for a year, then maybe go next year? She can’t go if I don’t fund her. Thanks in advance.

The issue is her mental health and she needs help with that before anything else. I would help her with that, in whatever way you can and then I would work with her to decide what next, including university as an option. 35 miles isn't far if she needs you. I'd really consider letting her go. Why did she take an overdose? Is it something that happened? I'd try to find out. My dd did the same because of a violent incident that she only told me about way way after the event.

She went to uni when she was extremely fragile mentally. It was still the right thing for her to go and for me to support that.

Let her go, particularly as she's planning to live away from home, but still near enough to come back easily if she needs/wants to. I wasn't in a great place mentally when I went to uni but it made a huge difference being away from home and the new experiences, people and situations really improved every aspect of my mental health.

When my engagement broke off at 19 I threw myself into study as a focus. Mine wasn't Uni but a type of apprenticeship. I absolutely nailed that first set of exams!

Could be a chance for her to reset? With pastoral links used.

It is quite likely that you are on the hook for the tenancy money anyway.

they won’t let you out of the contract because she’s been hospitalised with an overdose.

realistically you are going to have to pay for accommodation anyway. You are past the point where you can pull out of this. Contracts have been signed.

my DD is similar. Adhd and she has other physical disabilities as well. It’s a very very bad idea to pull funding from her at this point. Don’t do it.

Another voice adding give her the genuine choice, without consequences and finances but please for the love of everything let her go. Punishing her and stopping her moving forward will be the worst thing. Support at uni and focus and like minded friends could be the making of her.

@hockeysticks89 you might find that there is not so much drink nowadays by the students. one local uni has actually closed its bar because hardly anyone used it. it reopened as a fancy coffee bar and it is now busy with students!

You sound very controlling, even if it is done with good intentions. Why do you want to make her less in control of her own life? Besides which it sounds as though she is committed to a contract, do you want her to get a ccj and destroy her credit rating?

Plus you cannot just demand the university let her defer, you can request but not demand

This, don't hold her back.

"My daughter is very immature so I am going to keep her home and treat her like a child until she learns to stand on her own two feet"

How will she learn to grow up and look after herself if she is never given the chance to practice? Surely university accommodation and university pastoral care will allow her a space to grow and learn but with a safety net.

University will be the best way for her to move on and not stay home dwelling.

A compromise might be that she lives at home for the first year and if she passes then OP can help her with accommodation from year 2.

She’s young and it’s tough going learning how to grow up and be an adult and cope with life.

she needs much better self esteem and values. Sounds like she’s all over the place. Where did she learn that from?

Trust her to come good. She will but she needs support and probably a lot more therapy to put in place those boundaries.

Can’t understand why she wouldn’t have woken you first before calling an ambulance.

Are you close?

That sounds very unkind to stop her going to uni. That's something your DD needs to decide for herself, probably with your support.

What is the reason for her very poor mental heath?

How is she doing academically?

Any chance of ADHD? My DC2 was diagnosed at the start of year 2 of uni. It was a total surprise. ADHD people tend to be very bad with money and have lots of mental health and relationship problems. Obviously I am likely to be barking up the wrong tree but might be worth looking into since according to our ADHD doctor 1 in 25 of the population have it, so it is not rare. ADHD is very treatable because the medication is so good.

Sounds like the situation she's in isn't helping so i can't understand the logic of making her stay in it while pushing away something she's looking forward to.

Similarly the threat if it might make her hide any issues from you.

Shes not far away. Do you know the friend Enough to feel confident that they would contact you ?

I worked in university administration for many years and having seen a lot of first year students in a similar situation (or rather, not seen them because they would never turn up to lectures or seminars) I would recommend her taking some time to sort herself out before going.

You’re her mother and you know her best - what’s the likelihood of her engaging with the work and sorting herself out vs blowing all her money, never going to any lectures and dropping out before Christmas? I’ve seen an awful lot of students do that. Ultimately it might be worse for her self esteem if she bombs out than if she stays home for a year, gets a job and a routine going before embarking on a massive life change when she’s already vulnerable.

I went through a horrible break up at uni and the course got me through my depression. The mental health support is easy to access in lots of different ways at uni and in my experience was far better than my GP. I would have a chat with her, make plans in the event things get tough and let her go.
Uni is great for self confidence.
Sending you a hug though, it's so worrying and I hope she feels better soon

I don't think you should, or even could, stop her going to Uni. She is 18. However, I would tell her she needs to be more mature and you won't be funding it.

Her loan is based on her parents incomes, same as every student, with parents required to top up the amount to the full sum.

The pricey accommodation sounds unnecessary though, I don't see why she'd need to pay over £4000 when she could just live at home.

Trouble, we won’t know which way it’ll turn out, unless she goes.

Let her go, just don’t finance the partying aspect. That’s on her.

It will be good for her to relocate.

Your relationship seems strained already if she's not confiding in you. Please don't threaten to remove funding to force her into your way of thinking (however well intended). My parents did this to me and it caused me to distance myself even more from them and harbour a lot of resentment for a long time.

You could however discuss conditions with her for your continued support to show you just want what's best for her whilst encouraging her independence and opportunity to make better choices... She attends therapy regualry, she shows you a budget and can demonstrate she's sticking to it, she keeps in touch at set times etc.

I think she should go to uni as planned and live in the accommodation you have booked. It will be a new start, she'll have other things to occupy herself.

You will not be that far away if things go wrong but they may well go right.

Ultimately it must be your daughter's decision. Just support her whatever she decides.

I don’t even agree with this to be honest - I would much rather my daughter had independent funds to access social life of university, obviously education is important but a huge benefit of university is the networking aspect, I wouldn’t want my daughter to miss out on that and I wouldn’t want her to find other ways to fund it, eg getting into a relationship with a man who buys her drinks and takes her out! I would much rather my daughter can say, “that’s alright I can buy my own drinks!”