Partner's family accused me of being financially abusive.

[frayededgesforme]

Please can I have a sense check?

Partner has ongoing mental health issues and had only been able to do small amounts of work for about 3 years now. Our original set up was split 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earned more even when he was working full time.

He doesn't regularly put money into the joint account any more. In the last year, he's put maybe £800 in total. Mortgage is £800, then council tax, utilities and insurance, food and pets on top. I pay in around £1500 per month now, usually more in winter.

Whatever he does earn is spent on stuff for him- mostly convenience food, booze and he pays for his mobile from his own account. I don't have a firm idea of how much money he has because he gets really defensive and says he isn't well enough to earn more.

I've tried to get him out of the house more. I've offered to pay for him to go on holiday but he doesn't want to. I've helped to look at WFH jobs but he won't apply. He knows the mortgage, bills and food are all covered by me.

Now his mum has started making comments about me being financially abusive to him because I am going on holiday and 'he can't afford to' (even though I offered to take him and he said no) and because I have more spending money than him so I can afford to treat myself to new clothes, new tech, run my car etc.

I feel like I'm going mad because I think he's getting a good fucking deal out of this situation. Am I really being abusive here?

YABU- yes, you are financially abusive and need to support him more/ differently

YANBU- no, you're not being financially abusive and his family is wrong

You are not being financially abusive. But really what does he bring to your life? He sounds draining. Do you see any good in him at all?

Why are you in those relationship? It’s not your job to rescue him.

Outside of all the above, I really enjoy his company. He has picked up a bit more of the household chores since not working as much. He's very supportive of my work and is my biggest cheerleader. There are good bits too.

He is exploiting you financially - how fortunate is he that you work & can cover everything whilst he does very little and contributes less financially?!

Take a step back and assess your position - is this what you want your life to look like?
When i was in your shoes, with newborn twins, I walked. It was tough but easier than being with someone who was lazy, took me granted & did nothing domestically.

Tell mummy that she's welcome to have him back with your blessing.

You pay for everything and she thinks that you are financially abusing him? I'd get rid of him and getting his mum out of your life would be a bonus.

Id tell his mum that you pay for everything the house & the bills, maybe her little darling should be paying towards the bills a bit more! I know you said he supports you but he & his mother are taking the piss.

Surely the only way his mother can have this idea is from things that he is telling her, whether he's just having a moan about his life or deliberately putting you down to her for sympathy/ to excuse his lack of earning and working status.

The thing to do (if you want to stay in the relationship) is to tell him what his mother is telling you so he can deal with it. Either he will reassure her and explain and things will improve or they won't. Either his mother has a problem with you or he does.

Jesus, you like his company? Get a dog!!

YANBU, however, what is the actual agreement with you and your partner?

If you're the main breadwinner, and he is puttering about off his small amount of wages, is he walking around in rags because he can't afford nicer clothes?

If this were reversed and he were the bread winner while you were surviving off a part time job, what kind of support would you expect? Are you providing the same for him?

Are you sharing finances as a household, or is it my money/your money and he is living as if in poverty because you're refusing to cover stuff?

Has he been telling tales to mummy or is she a wannabe detective?

my mil was once v quick with opinions on how I was frittering away money/how DH brought so much to the table. A quick factcheck later and she’s well and truly wound her neck in since. (She’s conflated a few conversations, jumped the fucking aquarium never mind the shark, and brought a whole heap of bias - DH hadn’t said one word to her).

Either his family are deluded idiots or he is telling them lies. Are you certain you know what he is saying and what his mother is basing her opinion on?

Honestly I think you need to get rid. And fgs do not marry him!

Is his DM aware that you are picking up all the bills?

@iamnotalemon hah :) I'd love a dog! But surely you should enjoy your partner's company in a relationship??

@Kreepture we are not married and do not combine our finances completely. We each get paid into our personal accounts and then used to transfer into the joint account. I pick up basic clothing for him as and when, and also offer to take him shopping. He has access to the online shopping account and can add what he wants. He can use the joint account to buy anything he wants.

Well in that case your partners mum needs to stfu and mind her own business, def NBU.

It almost sounds as if you are describing a leech.

Commonly known as a cocklodger.

He's very supportive of your work and your biggest cheerleader??

Well except when he's slagging you off to his mammy!

I suspect I would be very supportive of your work too....if it was funding my entire life!

Are you happy with your relationship Op? Is the house in both names?

This man is financially abusing you. Not the other way around.
I can’t for the life of me work out what you gain from this relationship. You are paying for him to exist. And the best he can come up with is doing a bit more housework?
Seriously, think very hard about how you want your future to be.

Why are you tolerating this user loser.
Time he wrnt home to his cheeky fxxker mother.
He didn't lick his entitlement off a stone!
Thank god you are not married.
Get rid.

I had this with an ex. I kept thinking I could help him with his mental health / getting a job / sorting his finances. In the end I realised I was enabling him, and I left. Within 6 months he was working!!! After all the money i spent to keep him afloat! So my advice is to ditch him. He won't change.

Wilfully misunderstand her tell her it's sweet of her to be concerned but you dont mind paying for everything

He has mental health issues but buys alcohol? Alcohol is a depressant. It’s not going to help the MH issues. Is he actually trying to get better?
His mum is emotionally manipulative. I’d be telling her where to shove her opinion.
do you think he might have ADHD? Sounds like he doesn’t have the executive functioning to motivate himself to stick to a routine.

Great answer

Course hes your biggest cheerleader you are funding his lifestyle, no work, bills paid. What does he do all day?
Mental health problems are eased with routine and structure and getting out of the house, getting fresh air daily. Is he helping himself get better?? His mums a CF by the way.
I think you are going to look back in a few years and regret not splitting up. You seem to be happy to carry on like this. He’s taking you for a mug