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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner's family accused me of being financially abusive.

100 replies

frayededgesforme · 28/07/2025 19:15

Please can I have a sense check?

Partner has ongoing mental health issues and had only been able to do small amounts of work for about 3 years now. Our original set up was split 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earned more even when he was working full time.

He doesn't regularly put money into the joint account any more. In the last year, he's put maybe £800 in total. Mortgage is £800, then council tax, utilities and insurance, food and pets on top. I pay in around £1500 per month now, usually more in winter.

Whatever he does earn is spent on stuff for him- mostly convenience food, booze and he pays for his mobile from his own account. I don't have a firm idea of how much money he has because he gets really defensive and says he isn't well enough to earn more.

I've tried to get him out of the house more. I've offered to pay for him to go on holiday but he doesn't want to. I've helped to look at WFH jobs but he won't apply. He knows the mortgage, bills and food are all covered by me.

Now his mum has started making comments about me being financially abusive to him because I am going on holiday and 'he can't afford to' (even though I offered to take him and he said no) and because I have more spending money than him so I can afford to treat myself to new clothes, new tech, run my car etc.

I feel like I'm going mad because I think he's getting a good fucking deal out of this situation. Am I really being abusive here?

YABU- yes, you are financially abusive and need to support him more/ differently

YANBU- no, you're not being financially abusive and his family is wrong

OP posts:
Odiebay · 28/07/2025 22:09

You are literally his mum. This guy must have seen you coming.

Wheresthebuttons · 28/07/2025 22:10

You need to tell her that you're covering everything and that his mental health is poor.

I think it would be a good idea if his family started spending more time with him - he could go to stay with them for a few weeks.

Poor mental health is awful, but is he getting treatment? Hanging around at home all day, and drinking to excess are not going to help him get better - he's learning helplessness.

He knows you're there to cover all his costs, he doesn't seem to have an incentive to try to get better and to be more productive. There is the risk that his mental health is an excuese to live on you, and not bother working - he got used to you carring the majority of costs, eg paying 2/3rds of the mortgage while only having 50% of the equity. He may be depressed and a user too, you don't owe him your own financial future.

You are, of course, not financially abusive, but he seems to be.

blubberyboo · 28/07/2025 22:12

I think he can't cope with real life and needs to spend more time being nutured by mummy before he's ready to be a bill payer.

I think you suggest that he goes back there until he sorts himself out.

spoonbillstretford · 28/07/2025 22:15

You're not financially abusive, he's a cocklodger.

Isittimeformynapyet · 28/07/2025 22:15

Cerialkiller · 28/07/2025 19:24

Surely the only way his mother can have this idea is from things that he is telling her, whether he's just having a moan about his life or deliberately putting you down to her for sympathy/ to excuse his lack of earning and working status.

The thing to do (if you want to stay in the relationship) is to tell him what his mother is telling you so he can deal with it. Either he will reassure her and explain and things will improve or they won't. Either his mother has a problem with you or he does.

I was thinking exactly all of this ☝🏻

MsChilds · 28/07/2025 22:21

You’ve got yourself a cocklodger, open your eyes and see this for what it is. You are being exploited! Send him back to mummy

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/07/2025 22:33

frayededgesforme · 28/07/2025 20:49

We own the house together, equally split. No kids. I agree with @Cucy that the set up of the accounts should work well, but it only works if both people keep up their end of the agreement.

I'm wondering if I'm just enabling him not being well enough to work. No, he shouldn't be drinking, but he refuses to stop. Without me covering everything, he'd just have to get on with it.

He rarely talks to his mum and I am the one that keeps them in touch, to be honest. I think she's 'read between the lines' and come up with the wrong impression because I told her about booking my holiday and she commented on a photo of me on insta wearing a new dress.

And YOU’RE the one who keeps in touch with her?? Dear god op, drop the rope! No more funding for him, tell him it’s time for him to start paying the bills again, you won’t be funding extra for him, and you’re also not his mum and won’t be facilitating play dates with his real mum since she has decided to have a go. Take some time out, go out, think about life with an actual partner instead of spending your life facilitating a heavy drinker. It’s the single best thing you can do for him- he doesn’t seem motivated to change so let’s assume he likes you a bit and tell him you’re thinking through leaving.

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/07/2025 22:34

As in I think you should leave, but cutting off all support is probably an essential step for you in this journey. He will be full of promises. Then he’ll be short money and crack open just one beer… and then you’ll be right here. Alone, babying along an adult man who’s an alcoholic and who’s life and health trajectory only go one way.

FeedingPidgeons · 28/07/2025 22:37

spoonbillstretford · 28/07/2025 22:15

You're not financially abusive, he's a cocklodger.

Yep

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/07/2025 22:39

No you are not being financially abusive. Financially abusive means not equal access to joint finances, being kept in the dark financially, or having earning power taken away (eg someone refusing to help with care of disabled child so that the other parent is forced to not work but not compensated)

His mum is a cheeky fucker if she thinks you should continue to enable his 'what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine' attitude whilst he seems to be doing nothing to improve his 'mental health' issues and several things eg drinking to actively make it all worse, and hiding his finances from you. This isn't good OP, no matter how much extra housework he does

T1Dmama · 28/07/2025 22:43

God some of these mother in laws really give mother in laws a bad name don’t they?!

I’d text her and say she’s insulted you and you’re happy, I’d tell her you pay for bloody everything and don’t ask for a penny off her son!!

Booboobagins · 28/07/2025 22:52

What sort of relationship is this? He tells his parents one thing (omitting to correct them is the same as telling them lies) and yet tells you he doesn't want to go on holiday.

I would not have him in my life, he's a drain.

YANBU

He is a cock lodger.

ButterCrackers · 28/07/2025 22:56

Can he move back in with his mum? Get legal advice to break free from this loser.

Spookyspaghetti · 28/07/2025 22:58

Send him back to his mum and she can deal with it. Do you really want to live like this indefinitely?

Givenupshopping · 28/07/2025 22:59

Sorry OP, but you're really being taken for a fool here! Someone who won't discuss their finances, but will happily allow you to pay for a roof over their head, is devious to say the least. You say that you've helped him look for WFH, but he won't apply, WHY NOT? It sounds like you got together, and he realised he was onto a good thing with him only contributing a 1/3 of your joint living costs, but instead of appreciating that you were contributing more, so that you could BOTH have a better lifestyle, he decided to sponge off of you completely, using his mental health as an excuse. Does he actually have mental health problems, or does he just tell you he does? What drugs is he taking, and are you sure he's taking them? There's just something about your story that rather than making me feel sorry for him, because he has mental health problems, makes me think he's a sponging fake. What did he do when he was working?

AlphaApple · 28/07/2025 23:04

How old are you both and how much longer do you want to financially support him for? Up to and including retirement?

NewbieYou · 28/07/2025 23:05

No you’re not. I’d also leave him tbh.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 23:10

Every time I hear of a situation like this where the woman is supporting the depressed man, if he does sort himself out and get a job, without fail he leaves her.
Happened to me when I was pregnant. Happened to a woman I know about 15 years of him being unemployed just as her kids left home.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 23:11

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 28/07/2025 19:21

He is exploiting you financially - how fortunate is he that you work & can cover everything whilst he does very little and contributes less financially?!

Take a step back and assess your position - is this what you want your life to look like?
When i was in your shoes, with newborn twins, I walked. It was tough but easier than being with someone who was lazy, took me granted & did nothing domestically.

Edited

Not to derail too much but what happened next? Does he have the twins overnight now? Did he step up at all or disappear ?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 23:14

Op you can enjoy his company and having sex with him without tying yourself to him financially. If you're the only one paying for the home he shouldn't have an equal right to the equity you're paying. How is the set up is there a deed of trust or different percentages?

(Btw before anyone tells me I'm being gender bias, it would be diffenet if he has given up work to be a house husband doing all of OPs chores and looking after her kids)

Skibber · 28/07/2025 23:14

When you eventually come to your senses and want out, he will want his full half of the house he never paid for.

Losers like him always do.
Thats why they find foolish women to use and fund them.

You are so silly, but you will have to learn the hard way by wasting years and thousands.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 23:15

MagratsDanglyCharms21 · 28/07/2025 19:50

I had this with an ex. I kept thinking I could help him with his mental health / getting a job / sorting his finances. In the end I realised I was enabling him, and I left. Within 6 months he was working!!! After all the money i spent to keep him afloat! So my advice is to ditch him. He won't change.

I agree. The one i supported now won't contribute to our child's nursery fees - what a gent!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 23:17

frayededgesforme · 28/07/2025 20:49

We own the house together, equally split. No kids. I agree with @Cucy that the set up of the accounts should work well, but it only works if both people keep up their end of the agreement.

I'm wondering if I'm just enabling him not being well enough to work. No, he shouldn't be drinking, but he refuses to stop. Without me covering everything, he'd just have to get on with it.

He rarely talks to his mum and I am the one that keeps them in touch, to be honest. I think she's 'read between the lines' and come up with the wrong impression because I told her about booking my holiday and she commented on a photo of me on insta wearing a new dress.

Ok, I would say unless he signs a deed of trust you need to buy him out of the house or sell up now

SkintSingleMumm · 28/07/2025 23:20

Sounds like a millstone round your neck. Has mental health issues, wont take responsibility as he knows youll step up. Drinks alcohol which is a depressant in itself, eats convenience foods, i bet he does nothing proactive to help his MH eg exercise etc. i dont know why you put up with it. Sell up 50/50 and move on. Yolo

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 23:23

Also, use the mortgage charter to change mortgage to interest only or stretch the term so you pay as little into his equity as possible,
Put it in an ISA for yourself instead to save up to buy him out of the house