Partner's family accused me of being financially abusive.

[frayededgesforme]

Please can I have a sense check?

Partner has ongoing mental health issues and had only been able to do small amounts of work for about 3 years now. Our original set up was split 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earned more even when he was working full time.

He doesn't regularly put money into the joint account any more. In the last year, he's put maybe £800 in total. Mortgage is £800, then council tax, utilities and insurance, food and pets on top. I pay in around £1500 per month now, usually more in winter.

Whatever he does earn is spent on stuff for him- mostly convenience food, booze and he pays for his mobile from his own account. I don't have a firm idea of how much money he has because he gets really defensive and says he isn't well enough to earn more.

I've tried to get him out of the house more. I've offered to pay for him to go on holiday but he doesn't want to. I've helped to look at WFH jobs but he won't apply. He knows the mortgage, bills and food are all covered by me.

Now his mum has started making comments about me being financially abusive to him because I am going on holiday and 'he can't afford to' (even though I offered to take him and he said no) and because I have more spending money than him so I can afford to treat myself to new clothes, new tech, run my car etc.

I feel like I'm going mad because I think he's getting a good fucking deal out of this situation. Am I really being abusive here?

YABU- yes, you are financially abusive and need to support him more/ differently

YANBU- no, you're not being financially abusive and his family is wrong

Its spreadsheet time. Your descriptions of where they money is spent etc.. (maybe because thsi is a public post) sound very vague as if you've never really added it all up.

Get your statements for the last twelve months and work out

1. What he's paid in and what you've paid in..

2. What the bills are and who has paid them.

And so on.

If he can buy what he wants from the joint account, that you pay into every month, then effectively you are making him an allowance.

If think if you are funding the household.. and he's largely living off your money he doesn't get to be defensive and secretive about what his earnings are and he certainly doesn't get to give his mum the impression that you are financially abusive..
If he choses not to go on holiday.. does that mean that you shouldn't or you shouldnt be able to buy some decent clothes for work.

Have a talk with him ... what's he doing about his mental health issues. Has he been getting help.. what is his plan for working going forwards?

He's draining you dry and doesn't even seem to appreciate you if his mum is talking to you like that.

Im not saying this to quibble with you as I agree with your post but just thinking that If the mortgage is £800 and he's only paid £800 into the joint in the last year... she's paying 11/12 of the mortgage.
That's eye watering.

does it feel like because he’s mentally unwell, you’re scared to leave because it’ll make him worse? Like you feel guilty for leaving someone ‘at their time of need’? In all honesty, it feels like you’re with someone who contributes nothing positive to your life - taking finances out of the equation, you’re supposed to be with someone who enhances your quality of life. You can’t seem to enjoy life if it’s with him, he doesn’t want to go on holiday with you and share those adventures that couples do. Mental illness is obviously awful, but is he seeking that help and support? He’s not stopped drinking, obviously with the common knowledge that alcohol makes mh worse. He seems lazy and selfish and doesn’t put you first.

If I was you, I’d make a list of the positives he brings to you and the negatives and maybe that’ll put into perspective why it’ll be best for YOUR mental health to leave him

Yous equally own a house your mainly paying for. Wakey wakey my hubby has mental health issues and works and when he doesn't every so often for a 2-3 weeks at his worst does literally everything at home and will put all his sick pay in joint. There is absolutely no way I would say I enjoy his company I love and adore his company because he pulls his weight fully in his good months and even in his bad times. I sure as heck wouldn't allow long term paying for him and everything mostly and I sure as heck wouldn't put up with a hubby who moans to his parents or how else would she know. Stop paying for everything your pretty much funding and allowing this crap

It's been a while op if you're saying these issues have been ongoing for the last 3 years and now is at the point where he's no longer even contributing to overall bills and is keeping all money for himself.

I think what you need to look at here is - OK he has challenges happening with his mental health - that can be really tough - my question is what is he actively doing to address those mental health issues and to get better?

Is he in regular therapy? Has he been to his gp? If he doesn't want to do therapy has he explored medication? Is he engaging with support services to help him reduce his alcohol intake? Is he pushing himself to try and keep a routine or self- regulate through exercise? It's ok to want to support a partner who is struggling and sometimes that's part and parcel of a grown up relationship, but you cannot fix him if he is not putting the work in to rebuilding himself.

And that's where you're in a difficult position because you've essentially made it entirely possible for him to live out the rest of his days exactly as it is now and from what you've written he's showing no motivation to change the status quo. And really he has no need to.

I think you need to think very seriously about what you want for YOUR life here. Do you want to always be holidaying alone/socialising without your partner/ carrying the full financial responsibility. Do you want to have kids and a family one day or to move to a different property or country or travel or have shared hobbies with your partner? Is your current partner on that same life track with you or are they diverting your train to a very different destination and is that where you actually want to be in 5-10 years time?

The other issue is if he is drinking to cope and is struggling with that, then you're also potentially looking at road to alcohol related early cognitive problems and other major health conditions that may mean it gets very difficult for you to leave as you gradually find yourself in the role of carer. Obviously sometimes that's a role we find ourselves in and it can't be helped, but if he's not doing anything to help himself op then that's where he's taking you.

I think you need to issue an ultimatum here where either he starts to seriously address his issues or you need to walk away.

Obviously you care about him and there's good to him as well, but that sounds an awful lot like settling.

Is there a chance that he’s constantly borrowing money off his mum under the ‘poor me’ act and she’s getting fed up thinking you’re ‘taking his money’? Also definitely doesn’t sound abusive in the slightest!

Of course he's the biggest cheerleader of your work. Youre paying for him to drink booze and do sod all. This is not a partnership. LTB.

Of he isn't working he should be doing all the housework and the food shopping.

Sure your not describing your teenage son?

It's not that I'm not sympathetic to mental illness but I think you were right when you said without you, he'd have to get on with it. Yes, work is always stressful in some way. But he drinks and appears to be making no effort to address his mental health issues. Yes, you'll have to split the house equity or buy him out but do you want the next two decades supporting the leech that is your "partner". You realise that he will have had the benefit of three years of your mortgage payments which will have increased the equity in the house - he'll be getting his hands on half of those. And the longer it goes on the more he'll be getting his hands on. I'd be so incensed I'd be splitting up with him - perhaps he can move in with his mother since she's so supportive. Don't carry on being a mug with this man. He should be thanking you on a repeated basis for carrying him for years.

If you're the one facilitating his relationship with his mum, he probably doesn't tell her much and, since he's her son and she can see he's not doing so well, she is looking a way to think of it as being down to someone else. I'm not suggesting this is a good way for her to think, but it's pretty normal. When people don't really know what's happening they tend to make up the bits they need to to create a narrative that shows the people they care for most in the best light.

I would put her straight, but try to do so kindly and try not to take it to heart.

On the matter of whether you should be subbing him as you are - you're probably right that you're facilitating him coasting a bit and not getting to grips with his illness and engaging with effective treatment. Is he getting therapy? If so, it might worth asking if you can come along to a therapy session or two to hash out good strategies for the household that will support whatever he's working on at the moment. If not - that might be something to insist on.

You can also try telling him you're annoyed that he buys beer but won't pay the mortgage, that it's not fair and it shows his priorities. Tell him you won't keep doing it without a change to your current agreement that means any equity built from this point on gets distributed between you in proportion to the mortgage payments made. You will have a better idea than us about whether that sort of thing would be a kick up the pants for him or not. But I think it's worrying that he's got mental health issues and is drinking over paying his way. It sounds like he isn't attempting to do right by you. Cheerleading you on when you're his meal ticket isn't necessarily a great sign. You sacrifice a lot for him - is he prepared to do the same for you? What you've said here paints a picture of the sort of situation that almost inevitably spirals down to rock bottom and I do think you need to protect yourself a bit.

”None so blind as those who will not see"

Honestly, it is sad to see grown women - plural because MN seems to be full of them - allowing themselves to be exploited in such blatant manner. Or indeed, as in this case, wilfully participating in their own exploitation.

Thus is the best advice.

Get the deeds changed - and then ask him to leave. You are being taken for a fool.
lMost mental health conditions are improved with work and purpose!

‘Love’ won’t be enough as you get older, you will increasingly feel resentful and miserable. What will he do for a pension? What happens when you get to retirement? And he is still leaching from you.

There are plenty of men out there that can make you happy AND contribute fully. I would ask him to leave, and he can move in with his mother. There is no chance I would put up with this in the long term.

If anyone is being abused it's you op
Your living with a cock lodger
He's using you ,your funding him like you would a child
He is supposed to contribute financially equally,not leave it all to you
His parents opinion of you is the least of your problem
When you do finally get rid of him ,he is going to take half the value of the house YOU have paid for ..
The longer you leave this situation,the more money he gets
Your being walked over ,like a door mat ,he's wiping his feet all over you ,and your a fool to keep this relationship going

Op, sounds to me as if you already have a pet, no wonder you don't have a dog! An expensive pet, with a long life span.

He is using you. Of course he cheerleads you, you need to be happy and earning!
He has his feet under the table, right enough.

Stop buying him booze, are you scared he will leave or scared of his reaction if you stop?

Actually, the first think I would do is get him off the house deeds. Even if I had to sell it. Did he put money in to buy the house ? He owes you a huge amount of money anyway. He is stealing from you in plain sight!!

He won't stick around if you stop buying booze for him, buying him clothes, and ask him to pay his way.

Let him deal with his dm. She probably thinks he pays his way. What did he do before he met you? Does he have savings?

Get some self respect- you sound blinkered - check with your friends whaf they really think!

And get him out, I think you'll realise you're going to have to cut your losses, sell and split proceeds. Still be cheaper and more fun than staying together.

I’ve voted YABU for putting up with this situation. He sounds like a cocklodger.

My ex family member suddenly managed to hold down a full time job once her marriage and safety net disappeared. Being supported isn’t best for everyone.

I had one of those, didn't want to do the housework, but was more than happy to do the shopping for us both. Cost four times as much as when I did it because of all the little treats and extras he'd put in. Of course he never paid for it

I think you need to tell the parents to piss off and I think he is milking it from you and taking you for a mug. Fuck him off and let his family look after him

His deluded mother has got it the wrong way round! Precious son is exploiting you. Living a responsibility free life financially. Boohoo he can’t afford to go on holiday, he knows how he can rectify that situation and so does she! He’s a free loader. Honestly this is such an ick and a turn off for me. Find someone nice who also pays their way and doesn’t have a deluded mother in their corner enabling them.

This relationship isn't working. I wouldn't fund somebody like this. Perhaps in the very short term but not ongoing.

' There are good bits too '

you must be looking very hard to find them.

You do know you can do better, even if he has got a golden dick. Raise your bar, and start making plans to get him out the house for good - not just short periods of time.

He is being VU not to be transparent about the amount of money he earns. That’s totally unfair.

And his mum is being a dick, And should butt right out. I’d be tempted to tell her exactly what each of you pays for, see what she says.

looks like you have a cocklodger. I wouldn’t be happy with this, not now or in the future. I’d think about ending the relationship.

Get rid of him and his family.

He is a parasite!