Partner's family accused me of being financially abusive.

[frayededgesforme]

Please can I have a sense check?

Partner has ongoing mental health issues and had only been able to do small amounts of work for about 3 years now. Our original set up was split 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earned more even when he was working full time.

He doesn't regularly put money into the joint account any more. In the last year, he's put maybe £800 in total. Mortgage is £800, then council tax, utilities and insurance, food and pets on top. I pay in around £1500 per month now, usually more in winter.

Whatever he does earn is spent on stuff for him- mostly convenience food, booze and he pays for his mobile from his own account. I don't have a firm idea of how much money he has because he gets really defensive and says he isn't well enough to earn more.

I've tried to get him out of the house more. I've offered to pay for him to go on holiday but he doesn't want to. I've helped to look at WFH jobs but he won't apply. He knows the mortgage, bills and food are all covered by me.

Now his mum has started making comments about me being financially abusive to him because I am going on holiday and 'he can't afford to' (even though I offered to take him and he said no) and because I have more spending money than him so I can afford to treat myself to new clothes, new tech, run my car etc.

I feel like I'm going mad because I think he's getting a good fucking deal out of this situation. Am I really being abusive here?

YABU- yes, you are financially abusive and need to support him more/ differently

YANBU- no, you're not being financially abusive and his family is wrong

Anyone will cheerlead for you when you're paying for everything they need.

Love that the poll is unanimous! I’m all for supporting your partner but jfc that’s taking the piss.

Do you have kids?

I think 2 separate accounts and a joint account is the perfect set up and everyone should do it.

You each pay an equal percentage into the joint account and the rest can be saved or spent on whatever you want.

I would try to find out where the mother has got this idea from.

Because if it's him that's put it there, given everything you have said about how things are split (ie, you pay the vast majority of the money in and he is free to spend as he wishes) then I think you know that's him exploiting you.

We own the house together, equally split. No kids. I agree with @Cucy that the set up of the accounts should work well, but it only works if both people keep up their end of the agreement.

I'm wondering if I'm just enabling him not being well enough to work. No, he shouldn't be drinking, but he refuses to stop. Without me covering everything, he'd just have to get on with it.

He rarely talks to his mum and I am the one that keeps them in touch, to be honest. I think she's 'read between the lines' and come up with the wrong impression because I told her about booking my holiday and she commented on a photo of me on insta wearing a new dress.

He's supportive of the person who he is sending out to work to pay his bills. Of course he is your cheerleader.

As a first step I'd speak to a solicitor to get a new deed of trust for the house reflecting the fact you pay all the bills and splitting the equity based on this going forwards, so at they very least your share grows. If he says no then you'll know exactly why he is in this relationship

I've tried to get him out of the house more

Sorry but you need to get him out, full stop. You have a cocklodger and his family on your hands.

My DP cannot work due to mental ill health and autism. I cover everything for us and support him. That's love. Joint money. I have claimed PIP and am his appointee.

You need to decide fully are you his partner or not? Partners share ups and downs, wealth and poverty, holidays and more.

You are not beimg abusive, but I feel like you expect him to resolve the situation when that ian't going to happen. This could be your life together for decades. Can you do that? What help and support do you and he need?

Why haven't you just spelled it out to her?

"MIL, I pay for everything. EVERYTHING. I pay the mortgage, the council tax, the utilities bills, the supermarket bills, the pets expenses. I even pay for his clothes.
His pays for his own phone and his own alcohol. And that's it. And I'M the financial abuser? For the record he was invited on the holiday but didn't want to come. Your son relies on me paying for everything but his phone and his booze"

I would be telling her that actually her son is being financially abusive as you pay for everything and he gives you nothing from his money

personally mental health or not I would not be with him sponging off me

I hope this post isn't real because I despair at it. Where are your family or friends? Why aren't they pointing out what you refuse to see? You are allowing him to treat you like a mug.

This would be in the bin for me.

Completely unacceptable for him to be sponging off you like this for three years. If he were trying to make things better that would be different but he’s not, he’s just sitting back and doing fuck all while you pick up the slack. He’s not a partner, he’s a burden, is this what you really want?

As for his mother, she clearly doesn’t care about offending you if she has the gall to accuse you of financial abuse so no need for you to be polite back. Tell her explicitly what the situation is and how little her son is contributing. In fact, the best thing I can think of is to send him back to her so she can see for herself how he behaves.

Is he ill or is he just happy not earning much and never going on holiday / having his own income? If the latter then I’d be looking at getting him to sign the house over to you. If you’re happy it’s a good relationship and you’ll never go on holiday with him (that seems a weird relationship to me and not something that I’d want) but it’s up to you. Also are you happy to be with some with no ambition or drive?

do you plan on having kids? It could work well if he’s going to be the SAHP but it could also just become a total one sided relationship where you’re both the breadwinner and the main carer.

it’s up to you what you want from life but I don’t think you paying the lions share of the bills or going on holiday without him is definitely financial abuse if he’s genuienly sick or you’re happy to.

How long were you together when you moved in with him. I wonder what would have happened if you'd told him you want a relationship without living together, he'd have to earn his own money then.

It's tricky when he's not making any effort to improve the situation, isn't it? Because at that point, it feels less like a partnership. You are sacrificing a lot here, and if you're happy to do it, crack on. But I'd be correcting the 'financial abuse' comments very quickly and informing those who cared to comment on private matters of the reality of the situation. Ask his mum if she wants to financially support him instead of you, so you can have a break and let's see if she backs down quickly.

Give him back to his mother

He is financially abusive and they are gaslighting you. Please leave him. You don't need this.

I honed in on the line 'I've tried to get him out of the house'. I'd do more than try. I'd buy him a suitcase; pack it for him and order him a taxi. I'd then phone his DM to tell her to expect her man-child and not to bother me with ìt again. 🤭🤣

So you're his sugar mama?

Surely he could have just told her that he chose not to go. I’d ask him if he’s said anything to her because otherwise it’s weird that she’s making comments like that. Sounds like they’re trying to guilt you into paying even more so he can have a comfortable life whilst contributing nothing. I’d directly tell her that you pay for everything already.

You need to get rid of him, he’s using you and will bleed you dry.

Or at least start severely cutting back and let him feel the weight of his irresponsibility. Enabling never helps and judging by his mum, he’s used to be enabled.

What treatment is he getting for his mental health?

Is this a reverse?

Imagine the guy doing this to his female partner! He11 would break loose on mumsnet!

Aren't you kinda paying for his company?

OF COURSE he is supportive of your work and cheers you on. It funds his lifestyle 🙄

The shit woman put up with just to have 'company'. Why?

OP, you are clearly a strong, capable woman to be carrying ALL of the burden. Lose the hanger on and learn just how strong and capable you are.