Would I be unreasonable to make my 12yo pay for her own phone contract?

[Freaker]

DD12 has just smashed her second phone this year (both screens completely shattered - one in her blazer pocket, one fell off her bunk bed). She’s now demanding a new one.

I said she could have a basic model until she’s more responsible, but she insists all her friends have iPhones and says she’ll be bullied if she turns up with “some Nokia from the war”. Her exact words.

I told her she can have the iPhone - but only if she pays the £18/month contract herself from her own money. She gets £5/week pocket money for doing chores - loading dishwasher, helping with laundry, feeding the cat - and usually spends it all within days on bubble tea and rubbish from the corner shop.

DH thinks I’m being too hard on her and that I’m trying to teach her grown-up lessons too early. He said she’s still a kid and we should just get the phone and “deal with the responsibility bit later”.

For context - she’s also lost her school jumper twice this term and cracked a Nintendo Switch screen by sitting on it. She’s a lovely girl but honestly not the most careful.

I think if she wants something that expensive, it’s fair she contributes, even if it takes her months. We’re not refusing to get her any phone - she just doesn’t want the basic one.

AIBU to stand firm? Or should we just get the iPhone and hope she looks after this one?

Genuinely torn. Curious what others would do.

Why on earth would you buy her another new iPhone and soend that much money? Get a refurbished phone - good ones on the big phone store online.

Make her pay for a screen repair and then get her a gel cover for the screen.

genuine accidents I have no issue with. We all have them. Carelessness and a lack of remorse is another thing so I’m more on your side. She should be respecting things already. It’s not something taught later.

do look at second hand though, cex or cash converters for an older iPhone. And I’d also get a decent case (at my expense)

I wouldn't keep replacing it because they're so expensive. I'm assuming you didn't take out insurance? Was there even a screen protector on it? The good quality ones are excellent and prevent a lot of breakages.

I wouldn't make her pay but I would definitely get her a cheaper phone. Either a refurbished one as pp suggests, or a cheaper brand rather than an iPhone (but still a smartphone rather than a Nokia brick). If she wants an iPhone she can pay the difference.

I would get her a second hand or even a basic model. If she complains....then no phone at all. And no 12 is not too young to learn about looking after things.

It’s reasonable, she has an alternative, for you to give her a different phone, if an iPhone is so important to her it will be worth the pocket money and hopefully teach a lesson about how expensive they are and teach her to take better care of it

I’d tell her she can either have a basic phone, or she can have a second hand iPhone. I’d be making it crystal clear that there won’t be any more iPhones for a long while if she breaks this one too. She needs to start looking after her things. I certainly wouldn’t be buying her a new one and it doesn’t look like she could afford it herself.

I certainly wouldn't be getting a new iPhone, even after the first time breaking it. Even if she paid, she needs to learn to take care of her stuff.

My daughter who is 11 has a honour with a Lebara aim and her best friend has similar. None of them have the latest iPhones.

Screen protectors are definitely your friend! DD smashes her screen protectors a lot and now does buy them but it is a far cheaper way.

get it fixed a plan for her to look at paying that back say a £1 a week long term and buying her own screen protectors each time

In a similar situation my dc was offered a very basic phone or they could have a better phone but it would be their birthday/Christmas present (whichever was closest, can't remember). Their choice. We've got a functioning but fairly shit old handset that can be used as an interim phone if needed. They only learn how to take care of things when they learn the value.

My 18 year old recently bought their own headset for the first time. They immediately also bought and used a screen protector and a case. Strangely when it was me that bought the phone in previous years they had been very reluctant to use protectors and cases!

Just get a new screen. Ask her to pay/contribute if it was due to carelessness

iPhones are a waste of money for anyone but a 12 year old? My teens have Google Pixel phones and think they are great. They've never been bullied for not having apple products, they'd tell the bullies to grow up. If your child is mixing with kids who care what products they have then it's time for new friends!

As others have said, second-hand iphone. I would get her to pay for that out of her pocket money/savings (over time if necessary) but I would keep paying for her contract.

How were you going to get her to pay £18 a month? More chores?

If it’s any help, I’m a teacher and the vast majority of children have refurbished or older model iPhone or Samsung phones so don’t buy the line that everyone has the newest shiniest one. No one has! Even the “coolest most popular kids”. Most parents are not getting the most up-to-date iPhone for their children. Loads of them drop them, break them, have smashed screens or have had them confiscated by their parents temporarily. Because of this, around a third of them are dragging around “some Nokia phone from the war” for a while because their parents would be absolutely mad to get them a new one. They’re kids. They don’t need anything fancy.

If you do want to make her pay for a new phone, up her pocket money a little so she still has some disposable income but still feels the sting of a nominal, small amount coming out of her phone to encourage responsibility.

The fact she's demanding a new one and generally speaking to you like shit would mean she didn't get anything of the sort until she could have some manners.

If she wants an expensive one she would need to wait and have it for her next birthday or Christmas, or contribute herself as you have suggested. Otherwise it would have to be a cheap & cheerful one.

This is the perfect example of learning a life lesson through natural consequences, in my opinion.

Her attitude is pretty poor so I wouldn't be rushing to repair or replace this at all. But practically speaking... my 12 year old has a refurbished iPhone SE and it's fine. Smaller than other phones so can fit in her pocket and her little bags. She buys the screen protectors for it. But if she was bratty or obnoxious about it then I wouldn't continue to pay for this myself - that's actually my biggest issue here, not the carelessness as mistakes happen and everyone breaks stuff.

My Pixel cost about £1,200...that's about the same as all but the highest spec iPhone?

She's definitely not too young to learn she needs to take care of stuff. We have android phones in our house and the kids have never been bullied for not having an iPhone.

I'd buy her a cheap second hand phone and get her to pay you back for it. If she can not break that phone maybe she can have a new one in a couple of years.

It can’t have had a screen protector on it if they broke falling, which I’m afraid I think is on uou, I’d not expect a 12 year old to do that, so I’m with your husband on this as I feel you also showed a lack of responsibility in not protecting the screen,

Is it just me that thinks spending that much on a phone for a 12 year old is insane?

Can’t she just pay for a screen repair then get a good quality screen protector and case.

if the phones not repairable then a cheap 2nd hand one from CEX and a SIM only contract for £5 a month.

On the subject of the bullying, I don’t believe this - but if she genuinely does mix with people who would pick on someone over their brand of phone, perhaps it’s the friends that need replacing rather than the phone.

Thanks all - lots of really helpful replies (and some v reassuring to know I’m not being totally unreasonable!).

A few good points about second hand phones - hadn’t even thought of CEX tbh. Will have a look and maybe give her that option, though I’m definitely getting a proper case and screen protector this time. Might even glue it to her hand while I’m at it 😂

She did have a screen protector before but took it off because it was “peeling funny” and then didn’t say anything. Two weeks later, bam. So I’m not overly convinced by the “just a mistake” line.

DH read some of these replies and is now semi backpedalling. He’s saying maybe she could “work off” the repair cost by doing extra chores (hoovering the car, cleaning out the fridge etc). Which sounds great but I know I’ll end up nagging and doing half of it myself 😒

Still not sure if I’ll make her pay the full contract, but leaning towards getting a second hand one and making her contribute at least a bit. Possibly in labour 😂

Keep the suggestions coming. I am watching her like a hawk right now. She’s side-eyeing my phone as if she’s planning to inherit it early. Not happening.