Would I be unreasonable to make my 12yo pay for her own phone contract?

[Freaker]

DD12 has just smashed her second phone this year (both screens completely shattered - one in her blazer pocket, one fell off her bunk bed). She’s now demanding a new one.

I said she could have a basic model until she’s more responsible, but she insists all her friends have iPhones and says she’ll be bullied if she turns up with “some Nokia from the war”. Her exact words.

I told her she can have the iPhone - but only if she pays the £18/month contract herself from her own money. She gets £5/week pocket money for doing chores - loading dishwasher, helping with laundry, feeding the cat - and usually spends it all within days on bubble tea and rubbish from the corner shop.

DH thinks I’m being too hard on her and that I’m trying to teach her grown-up lessons too early. He said she’s still a kid and we should just get the phone and “deal with the responsibility bit later”.

For context - she’s also lost her school jumper twice this term and cracked a Nintendo Switch screen by sitting on it. She’s a lovely girl but honestly not the most careful.

I think if she wants something that expensive, it’s fair she contributes, even if it takes her months. We’re not refusing to get her any phone - she just doesn’t want the basic one.

AIBU to stand firm? Or should we just get the iPhone and hope she looks after this one?

Genuinely torn. Curious what others would do.

Refurbed phones are the way OP, mine have refurbed iPhones, as do I.

‘Some Nokia from the war’ made me laugh!

I would definitely not get her a new iphone. Assuming you don’t have insurance op, i would use this as an opportunity to teach her about money and about how much things cost, versus salary and outgoings and you can’t just buy her a new top model phone every time she breaks one.

Can you give her another chore to cover/part cover the cost of the phone. At 12 my daughter changed my bedding for me every week in exchange for her phone contract. And it was definitely not top of the line. It was a win win situation.

My phone's a Redmi, it was about £100, no contract, and £8 a month SIM. Looks like any other generic rectangular smartphone.

She's proven repeatedly that she's incapable of having an expensive phone, so no need to keep doing the same thing over again.

Repair the phone, don't get a contract or when she inevitably breaks that one you will be stuck with a monthly payment and no phone.

Refurbed phone and a £10 ish a month sim contract. My kids refuse to have a ‘new’ iPhone for this very reason. Breakages or theft etc.

Have you looked into screen repair OP? I would do that before anything else. She can contribute to the cost of that (and the cost of a good screen protector too).

If she can’t look after it then she’s not old enough to have one.

she is clearly too young to appreciate how much they cost and is acting very entitled.

buy her something cheaper or make her do more chores. You’ll be doing her a favour in the long run. She needs to learn the value of things and might look after it better if she’s paying for it. Take it away until she does the work.

DD had my old iPhone 6 and when she broke it I bought her a refurbished 6. She only went up a level when the IOS on the 6 no longer updated and she always had my old phones

My kids always had handed down/refurbished phones up until they were about 16 and my parents decided to buy the new ones as a Christmas present. Ds smashed his phone and he knew that his option was to either continue to use the smashed phone or have very cheap brick replacement. (he was 15). He was absolutely fine with that.

The majority of youngsters have hand me down phones, not the latest new ones.

If she pays the contract I think she would be entitled to tell you that you won't be checking the phone.

You pay, you have control

I do agree she needs to learn responsibility, perhaps offer her more jobs to earn money to put towards her contract instead of using all her pocket money, this way it teaches her she has to work for what she wants, to look after her things without also taking away her little luxuries

Doesn’t really help now, but the 9h glass screen protectors are worth their weight in gold. I’m undiagnosed adhd, clumsy as hell and drop my phone all the time - the screen protector smashes but the actual screen is perfect. They only cost a few quid!

To answer the actual question, I used to pay my phone contract at 14 out of my pocket money and wages. Obviously this was 25 years ago when children could work and phone contracts were much cheaper, but I would definitely get her paying at least a contribution towards it regularly as a ‘lesson’ to be more careful, but I would cover the ongoing costs of replacing screen protectors.

Look for a cheaper contract - £18 is ridiculously high. Yes you do need to look at reconditioned phone/mend the current one or second hand as she's only 12 and clearly doesn't look after her phone very well. Take the pressure off and invest in something cheaper. Also insist on a proper protective cover. Yes doing some extra chores round the house.
FWIW, I've never damaged a phone in 20 odd years of ownership and in similar time frame my DH has damaged the screen on one which he dropped whilst using it and it landed on cobbles.

Why can’t you just have the screen repaired, and get them to fit a protector at the time, then make sure it has a case.

We replaced iPhone screens in various stages of smashedness … from slight crack to destroyed.

I don't like the fact she thinks she can demand a seriously expensive item after already having broken two of them.

I'd make her save up for the new one.

Why were the phones this breakable? I'm clumsy (neurological issues)so my phone has a protective cushioned back and a screen protector.
I wouldn't buy her a new phone. She'd get a pre-war Nokia brick in this house but as a compromise a refurbished older iphone from the likes of Backmarket?
I think your partner is very wrong btw. Was the jumper named?

Definitely look into screen repair. I had an iPhone screen replaced, it took half an hour to do and cost £90.
However, if you do decide to replace, refurbished phones are the way to go. Much cheaper. Our household have all got refurbs, we've never had a problem and they've always been in great condition.

"Some Nokia from the war"
I would continue to pay the contract, but not for an expensive iPhone. I'd let her have a cheaper phone until she's older and more responsible

This has turned into a goldmine - thank you all so much!

Sounds like refurbs and repairs are the way forward. I honestly didn’t realise so many people do it - I always assumed they’d be dodgy or come with mystery crumbs in the speaker but seems like I was wrong.

I’ve looked up screen repair and it’s about £85, which I could pay upfront and then have her pay back in instalments (I love how I’m now her personal Klarna). DH thinks that’s “punitive” but I pointed out she had THREE full weeks where the screen protector was off and did nothing about it. This is not an act of God. This is pure tween chaos.

Also - the idea that if she pays the contract then she gets full privacy? Sorry no. If I’m still paying for her socks, she does not get to run an unregulated WhatsApp empire. Let’s be serious.

Going to check CEX and maybe Backmarket, though that name makes me feel like I’m shopping for kidneys. Also appreciate all the suggestions for extra chores - I already change everyone’s bedding so she can have mine, and if she wants to keep her phone maybe she can start ironing too (I say this knowing full well she will just wear creased clothes and pretend it’s “oversized”).

Anyway. Thanks again - glad to see most of you would also be sending her off with a WW2 Nokia if she keeps this up.

We've all always had Android phones in this house and never had any problems.

My "children" are now aged between 30 and 23, but when they were at school they never had the latest Apple phones either. Nor did most of their friends as us parents weren't generally that stupid. Most of us went as cheap and cheerful as possible that would work.

Do you have any old phones lying around the house that could be used as spares? If you can get them to work then she has one of those, with a screen protector and a protective case.

If you really do have to buy a phone then second hand refurbished ones are a possibility. CEX or Musicmagpie are your friends. Again, still get screen protector and protective case and insist they are used.

If she likes neither of those options then my response would be "fine, have no phone at all then." You are not a bottomless pit for phones and money. 12 is perfectly old enough to grasp that though you may still need to ram it home.

When my DD3 was about the age yours is she was the worst of mine for this sort of thing. She dropped her phone when she had just started secondary school and shattered the screen. Somehow the phone still worked well so I just left her with it. We were only paying £8 per month anyway. We told her it had character and she would have to keep using it! Somehow it stuttered on for another couple of years though I have no idea how! She's 23 now and barring the very occasional incident when she was a student on her obligatory year abroad she has been much better with phones.

My DD works full time now, lives away from home and pays for her own. Guess what!? No more breakages for a long time!! I wonder why??

12 year olds shouldn't even have smart phones.

If only all 12 year olds got war time Nokias, it would solve a few parenting challenges.
No need for a contract. Basic android phone and smarty sim for £6 a month.

I wouldnt make her spend all her pocket money. That seems quite harsh. Get a cheaper phone/contract.

Or, tell her she has to make do with something "from the war" (😂) while you save up for a replacement (even if you can afford it straight away) and give her a time frame for that.

I wouldn't pay for a contract for my 12 year old ever so think you are unreasonable for that anyway. She'll smash the phone again and you'll still have to pay for it.

She gets a refurbished phone she has to buy outright herself or one of your old ones and then pay as you go sim. A contract for a 12 year old is crazy

Either repair the broken one or get a second hand one. She pays either way. She won't learn otherwise.