Would I be unreasonable to make my 12yo pay for her own phone contract?

[Freaker]

DD12 has just smashed her second phone this year (both screens completely shattered - one in her blazer pocket, one fell off her bunk bed). She’s now demanding a new one.

I said she could have a basic model until she’s more responsible, but she insists all her friends have iPhones and says she’ll be bullied if she turns up with “some Nokia from the war”. Her exact words.

I told her she can have the iPhone - but only if she pays the £18/month contract herself from her own money. She gets £5/week pocket money for doing chores - loading dishwasher, helping with laundry, feeding the cat - and usually spends it all within days on bubble tea and rubbish from the corner shop.

DH thinks I’m being too hard on her and that I’m trying to teach her grown-up lessons too early. He said she’s still a kid and we should just get the phone and “deal with the responsibility bit later”.

For context - she’s also lost her school jumper twice this term and cracked a Nintendo Switch screen by sitting on it. She’s a lovely girl but honestly not the most careful.

I think if she wants something that expensive, it’s fair she contributes, even if it takes her months. We’re not refusing to get her any phone - she just doesn’t want the basic one.

AIBU to stand firm? Or should we just get the iPhone and hope she looks after this one?

Genuinely torn. Curious what others would do.

If she got more pocket money then you might have a point - but £5 a week is such a tiny amount today that I’m not surprised it is gone instantly! So you aren’t in a position where you can use her allowance to help her learn about saving or the value of anything.

They don't need a smart phone. You know this. But she has also proven that she can't look after one.

My ds did the same. Two shmashed phones within a year. I gave him a basic nokia and made him save up for a new one. He used his birthday money to eventually buy a cheapish android. The agony of not having all the apps for 3 months nearly killed him (poor thing). But lesson was learned i hope.

Well around here that is the case. Ni k8d has an iPhone on a contract but sone do have parents old ones.

12 is way too young to be invested in phones people have. My son doesn't give a monkeys what anyone else has and nobody is bullied for what phone they have.

She’s saying maybe she could “work off” the repair cost by doing extra chores (hoovering the car, cleaning out the fridge etc). Which sounds great but I know I’ll end up nagging and doing half of it myself 😒

I'd probably look into getting a second hand iPhone* on the basis that her pocket money will be withheld to pay for it. If she wants to earn some pocket money back then we can talk about extra chores.

*I know, other phones are available - we all have Pixels here - but she's used to iPhones, wants an iPhone, and may well have group chats on iMessage etc.

I enforce the rule if it’s seen without a case and screen protector I take it away until it does.

Id make it slightly painful before getting another one but wouldn’t make her use her entire pocket money for it.

What iphone is the £18 per month for? that seems pretty cheap. Or is that on top of what you'll be paying for the two contracts you've still got on the old phones?

If repairing the screen doesnt work I'd probably compromise -you can get a refurbished iPhone 12 for under 200 on ebay (all my phones have been ebay refurbished or ex display and I've never had any issues) plus £5 giff gaff contract (or tesco PAYG - top uo £10 every 2 months and get £20 free credit) equals about £13 a month over 2 years. Say you'll pay that but if she wants anything better she has to pay the difference.

Agree with the pp that using her pocket money to pay for it but she can earn it back with extra chores is better - that way no nagging from you, you start from the assumption shes not getting any pocket money for the next 4 months, she has to be proactive and do something to earn (part of) it back, on a weekly basis.

It’s the nag factor though, isn’t it? My sons were 14 before they had a smart phone and frankly that was because peers had them - their reading dropped off a cliff afterwards.

She should pay for the replacement. My DS smashed two of my hand me down phones through carelessness and the replacement was a refurbed iPhone for £100 which he paid for over a year with deductions from his pocket money at source. Weirdly he didn't smash that one...when it died of old age I gave him my hand me down again and he has been a lot more careful.

Old enough to have a phone, then old enough to look after it. She isn't old enough to look after it so... no phone. Tell her we had to manage fine without phones during the war, so she'll live...

I’d get the screen repaired if it’s fixable, if not a second hand one. She should pay you back seeing as this has happened twice before.

I think she should get more pocket money than £5 per week though especially if helping with chores, it doesn’t go far. My 5 year old gets £5 per week.

The rule for all of my DC is that they buy the phone (refurbished, never more than around 130) and I pay the sim (all on one Smarty contract, around 6/month for each). It has worked brilliantly in that they actually understand the value of the phone and look after it - and bonus, they understand the value of having some savings in case of phone breakages. And because I set that rule from the beginning they've never expected me to buy a phone for them.

Definitely insist screen protector stays on and get the tempered glass. I drop my phone all the time and would be broke replacing screens. The protector takes all the hit
I would make her contribute to the screen repair

whatever you decide to do make sure you get some phone insurance

some Nokia from the war”. Her exact words

🤣

We also buy pre owned phones outright from CEX and then have a £5 bundle from ASDA.

Yabu. She’s a child and accidents happen.

Make sure she has a screen protector in future.

What? She's in y7.
Simple backmarket phone. She's entitled and you're enabling this...

No I don't think she should have to pay for it herself.

You give her an expensive item and don't insure it, that's on you. It's your responsibility to have insured the phone, and by doing so giving your dd that protection from her own age and life.

This is the second time it's happened, I would argue you haven't learnt your lesson
You're the adults with presumably more sense, why didn't you get insurance, a proper screen protector and decent case?

It's obvious that kids are going to drop, smash, crack, lose and have their phones stolen.

Just look at any highschool student's phone, the screens are always cracked and scratched.

You buy her the phone she needs - the one she will call you on if she's out with her friends and has an accident, gets chased by a strange man etc. If she was a more elaborate phone she pays the difference.

I agree. The child needs some tough love.

I definitely wouldn’t go down the route of working off the cost. After a few weeks you will be nagging constantly for her to do the jobs. Once she has a new phone in her hand the urgency will be off her iykwim

If you go down the CEX route, it's worth asking about screen lamination. You can pay a bit extra and they professionally apply a semi-permanent screen protector when you buy it. I've got a tonne of (clumsy) friends with them and they seem well worth the money!

Mine got hand me down phones and pay as you go SIMs until they could pay for their own. They are careless until they learn the value of money. I wouldn’t be buying new and getting a contract for a 12 yo but I agree even at that age now they do need something that can handle online homework etc.

My DS18 has never had a brand new Iphone. His first was one of our old ones and his current one is a refurb. Perfectly good. It’s an iPhone 13. I won’t tolerate any sense of entitlement to expensive stuff from
mine. DS25 has an iPhone 17 because he’d not had a new one for 6/7 years and he bought it himself.
Both of mine look after their stuff reasonably well. If either had broken a phone twice they would have had a very basic one. Thinking 12 is too young to learn lessons is at the root of many problems, I think. They are more than old enough to learn lessons on looking after their property and respecting other people’s.