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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH is upset that Daughter want to take her wife's name in same same marriage.

103 replies

Netcurtainnelly · 27/07/2025 13:25

DD is planning on getting married to her wife later on the year.
DD has said she plans to take her wife's surname.

DH is upset that she hasn't kept her own name or gone double barrelled.

He hasn't said anything though just to me.

What do other people do who have same sex weddings re names.
Is DH being unreasonable for being upset and not understanding why daughters chosen to take her wife's name?

If it's any help our DD is fem and her partner is not, does this have anything to do with it?
What would you think?
What do other people do?
I don't really know anyone in this situation.
Yes we do get on with dd wife to be before anyone asks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Netcurtainnelly · 27/07/2025 13:26

Sorry, same sex marriage.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 27/07/2025 13:27

My gay friends haven't changed names, I think that's quite out dated these days even for opposite sex marriages.

TheOriginalEmu · 27/07/2025 13:27

Most same sex couples I know are double barrelled or just keep their own names. But it varies by couple. I do know a lesbian couple who took the name of one (who is fem) because she had a child. But it really is an individual choice.

Nonsense10 · 27/07/2025 13:28

Of course he is being unreasonable. Would he feel the same if it wasn't a same sex marriage?

It is absolutely none of his business.

Hoardasurass · 27/07/2025 13:28

Would he feel the same if she was marring a man and taking his name?
If not he needs to ask himself why

QuietLifeNoDrama · 27/07/2025 13:29

I think your husband is being unreasonable because it has nothing to do with him what her new name is. It’s a decision between a married couple (no matter what sex they are) and no one else

Lmnop22 · 27/07/2025 13:30

Perhaps they want a “family name” for if they have children so the child shares a name with both parents?

Stay out of it - if she’s happy with changing her name that’s all that matters!

BigDayForTheWomen · 27/07/2025 13:31

Is DH having trouble getting his head round his DD having a same sex marriage? Has DD been asked why the couple are opting to take DD's partner's surname? It could lead to a helpful if discussed in an open, interested way. There are several possible reasons, including preferring the sound of the future wife's name, disliking double barrelled name, DD wanting her marriage to have a fresh start with a new name.

Nsvdi · 27/07/2025 13:33

If they plan on having kids, they may want a family name - or they may want a family name anywya.

double barrelling isn’t for everyone. Personally it would piss me off being overly cumbersome. I prefer basic and simple names for both first and surnames. They might be the same.

she might just have liked her fiancés name better. In any case, it doesn’t matter. People change names on marriage all the time. He needs to ket it go.

DoAWheelie · 27/07/2025 13:33

Frankly. It's nothing to do with your DH. Your DD is the one who has to live with the name and should pick what she wants.

My late OH was planning to take my name when we married just because he didn't like his and thought mine worked better with his first name.

Anyone can pick any name they want for any reason they want. They are the ones who need to live with it so they get the choice.

ShesTheAlbatross · 27/07/2025 13:33

Did you change your name on marriage? And if so, did that bother your DH?

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 27/07/2025 13:33

Hoardasurass · 27/07/2025 13:28

Would he feel the same if she was marring a man and taking his name?
If not he needs to ask himself why

I'd like him to answer that, too.
Why is he upset at your daughter's choice that has nothing to do with him?

Original poster
Netcurtainnelly · 27/07/2025 13:33

BigDayForTheWomen · 27/07/2025 13:31

Is DH having trouble getting his head round his DD having a same sex marriage? Has DD been asked why the couple are opting to take DD's partner's surname? It could lead to a helpful if discussed in an open, interested way. There are several possible reasons, including preferring the sound of the future wife's name, disliking double barrelled name, DD wanting her marriage to have a fresh start with a new name.

No, not the same sex, just the name change.

OP posts:
Zov · 27/07/2025 13:34

Well, she would very likely have taken her partner's name if she'd married a man! Despite the loathing and contempt (on Mumsnet!) for women who take their husband's surname on marriage, 85% of women still do it!

He is being daft!

neverbeenskiing · 27/07/2025 13:36

He needs to not take it personally, it's not about him. He also needs to ask himself (and answer honestly) if he would be equally upset if she were marrying a man and decided to take his name.

IcedPurple · 27/07/2025 13:37

Did your mother take his name when she married him?

If yes, then his problem is clearly the idea of a woman taking a woman's name, not the (historically deeply sexist) tradition itself.

Dheops · 27/07/2025 13:43

I think this is just one of these things he needs to grumble about to himself and not say anything. It's hard letting go but this is your daughter's decision.

There is no standard answer, I'm sure your daughter has weighed up the options and she needs to make the decision for herself, not her dad.

Elektra1 · 27/07/2025 14:02

Most gay people don’t change names, but some do. I did, because my wife was weirdly set on it. We planned to have a child and as my family name is already continued as I have a brother (who has a son), and she only has sisters, she wanted the family name to be her name. Our child obviously also has that surname. My wife had an affair and left me when our child was 4. I’ve kept the name, as it’s nice having the same name as my child, I can’t be bothered to go through the rigmarole of changing passport and everything again, and I kept my maiden name for professional use anyway.

However, double-barrelling would also achieve the result of any children of the marriage having the same name as both parents.

Idkher · 27/07/2025 14:03

I took my wife’s name, nothing to do with how either of us present (‘masc/fem’). We did it because 1) she is a professional athlete so uses her surname often and 2) it sounded better than the other way round lol

BunnyLake · 27/07/2025 14:06

Tell him to get over himself. Would he be like this if she married a man and only took his name.

Cantcalloutanythinghere · 27/07/2025 14:08

Did you take his surname or was he vocal that you keep yours or double barrell?

girljulian · 27/07/2025 14:09

I suppose the question is, would he have been upset if she’d married a man and taken his name? Did you take your DH’s name? Was your dad upset about it?

I don’t know any same sex couples who’ve changed their names though, I think the norm is not to.

butterfly1234 · 27/07/2025 14:09

Well, it's obviously the daughter's choice and your husband is being a bit weird. Would he be equally upset if she took a husband's surname? Just out of curiosity though, why is the daughter choosing to take her wife's name?

JoshLymanSwagger · 27/07/2025 14:10

Maybe she prefers the surname over her existing one? That's why I changed mine when I married my OH.

Whatsthestoryo · 27/07/2025 14:12

I took my wife's name because:

  • I didn't want to be someone with a double barrelled name
  • My name sounded better taking hers whereas her taking mine sounded 'off'
  • We wanted a family name
It's likely to be something simple like that but maybe let sleeping dogs lie - just in case.
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