DH is upset that Daughter want to take her wife's name in same same marriage.

[Netcurtainnelly]

DD is planning on getting married to her wife later on the year.
DD has said she plans to take her wife's surname.

DH is upset that she hasn't kept her own name or gone double barrelled.

He hasn't said anything though just to me.

What do other people do who have same sex weddings re names.
Is DH being unreasonable for being upset and not understanding why daughters chosen to take her wife's name?

If it's any help our DD is fem and her partner is not, does this have anything to do with it?
What would you think?
What do other people do?
I don't really know anyone in this situation.
Yes we do get on with dd wife to be before anyone asks.

What would you be upset about specifically?

I'd be upset to see the surname go

Even if it was opposite sex marriage, but I'd take comfort from thinking its traditional, therefore still based on patriarchy but feels less like rejection

Can't be bothered with double barrelled surnames

Could she keep her existing surname as,a new additional middle name?

What did he do with his name when you two got married?

I think it’s nobody’s business but theirs.

None of DHs business. Is this a male ego thing? If not why does he care?

Surely the only important thing here is what makes the couple happy.

He wouldn't bat an eyelid about it if she were marrying a man so he is BU.

Same sex marriage here.
We both changed our surname to one from a few generations back that had fallen out of use, but that went with both our first names.

I'm only friends with three gay couples, one women, two men. In all three one spouse took the other spouse's name. I've never thought about it before now, I don't know how they decided who took which name, or why they didn't hyphenate.

I am sorry for you that you have never had any experience of "sisterhood" among women

We're a same sex couple, civil partnered since 2006 here. We each kept our own surnames and didn't even consider doing otherwise.

I will be disappointed if my child changes her name or marries someone who changes their name. I will feel like I have failed as a parent. I’m trying to impart morals like a strong sense of identity and seeking an egalitarian relationship.

I wouldn’t say anything though. Ultimately I know my child gets to make her own decisions. I try to teach and she gets to live.

My DD is having this dilemma at the moment. She's marrying her girlfriend and originally wanted to take MY surname (which is quite unusual) to double barrel with her wife's and lose her father's surname which she got given at birth. But she's decided to take her future wife's name, mostly because her father is a dick and she just wants to get rid of his surname.
I am sure that's not the case for your DD, OP. But it just goes to show that there are a million reasons for choosing to change/not change surname.

DH is upset that she hasn't kept her own name or gone double barrelled.

I think that it's not the name that he's upset about. Did you change your name when you married him, and did his FIL get upset about that?

Thought not.

Interesting to learn that even marrying a woman is not enough to protect a daughter from the fragile ego of the patriarchy.

Of course you & your husband are being unreasonable. Its her life, her name, not yours.

Did you take his name? Did his mother take his father 's name? If so, what's his problem?

Does your husband have a son or any brothers with sons?
Is his concern that his family name is going to die out?

A girl I went to school with married a woman, and they came up with an entirely new last name. They later divorced and she remarried a different woman, but she still has the last name she and her first wife invented - maybe because her son with her first wife has that surname.

My cousin and his boyfriend got married last year, and the boyfriend-now-husband took my cousin’s last name. He’s a journalist with about a decades’ worth of bylines under his birth name, so my guess is that he felt strongly about having my cousin’s last name, if he was willing to be less obviously linked to his past work.

I'm betting he wouldn't give a shiny shite about this if she was marrying a bloke.

I'm guessing you took his name when you both married?

If a child changing their name when they get married will make you feel you “failed as a parent,” I hope for everyone’s sake that your children never have any serious personal crises. If you were my mother and I knew something as small as a name change would make you feel you failed as a parent, I’d be extremely hesitant to come to you with any serious personal problems.

I didn’t change my name when I got married, and neither did my mother. But people have lots of different personal reasons for what they do with their names, and I don’t think I have a better sense of identity or a more egalitarian marriage because I sruck with my birth name.

I don't think the sex of the couple is that relevant. In all marriages the couple have to decide whether to keep their original names, or have one person change or both people change. It might be that the fact that your DD is lesbian made your DH hope to perpetuate the family name more than he might have if she was heterosexual, but whether or not this was the case and whatever the sexuality and sex of one's offspring, it's not reasonable for any parent to express an opinion on whar their offspring chooses for this question.

That’s a very weird take on failed parenting you have there.

My wife took my name.

Your DH needs to stay out of it and accept it’s not his decision. Same sex married couples I know have either each kept their own names or double barrelled, but it’s really a personal decision and there’s no right or wrong.
I’d be saying exactly the same if your DD was marrying a man, it’s entirely her decision whether to change her name, I know plenty of straight women who have not changed their names after getting married, and I know one couple where the man took the woman’s name and one couple who both double barrelled.

They have made their decision. If your daughter is happy with then your husband should keep his opinions to himself.