DH is upset that Daughter want to take her wife's name in same same marriage.

[Netcurtainnelly]

DD is planning on getting married to her wife later on the year.
DD has said she plans to take her wife's surname.

DH is upset that she hasn't kept her own name or gone double barrelled.

He hasn't said anything though just to me.

What do other people do who have same sex weddings re names.
Is DH being unreasonable for being upset and not understanding why daughters chosen to take her wife's name?

If it's any help our DD is fem and her partner is not, does this have anything to do with it?
What would you think?
What do other people do?
I don't really know anyone in this situation.
Yes we do get on with dd wife to be before anyone asks.

My girlfriend and I have discussed both taking my surname if we were to marry, as it's rather unique and we both enjoy how it pairs with our first names.

Tell him to wind his neck in.

It’s good that he hasn’t said anything to your Dd.

IME same sex couples do exactly as they choose, free as they are from the sexist old default that a woman changed her name (though of course also free to do as they please - but social expectation exert pressure)

So your DH would do well to have a look at his own patriarchal sensitivities. His name is his name, his DD’s is her name to do with as she wishes. Not a label that she carries in order to establish his dynasty.

His Dd is his Dd whatever name she has, any grandchildren will be your grandchildren whatever name they have.

Did you change your name to his?

Maybe talk to him about whether he felt you were rejecting your parents, or how your parents might have felt?

People choose one name for all sorts of reasons, maybe no one else in her wife’s family have her name, maybe hers is easier to spell, maybe her wife’s name sounds ridiculous with your surname (e.g your are Green, she is Pam and doesn’t want to be called P Green. ), maybe their names sound terrible if hyphenated.

He’ll get used to it.

I had friends who mixed their surnames, and created a brand new one.

Now I’m thinking about it, all the same sex couples I know have kept their names with their DC having two surnames or double barreled. But where we are very few women take their husband’s name; the custom is two surnames (Ashley Monroe marrying Bert Williams becomes Ashley Monroe Williams - her passport will have Ashley as first name, “Monroe Williams” in surname; kids will follow her).

I think it’s quite charming for a same sex couple to follow an old fashioned tradition of taking their partner’s name!

Did you take his name when you got married?

You say your husband is fine with same sex marriage, and it’s “just” the name change that he has a problem with. I wonder, if your daughter were marrying a man, would your husband be supportive of her taking her new husband’s surname?

… if the answer to this question is “no” but I’m afraid to tell you that your husband is a homophobic pig.

If by some miracle your husband is genuinely a feminist who believes that women should be respected as individuals and therefore should never take their partner’s name upon marriage… then good for him but it’s still none of his business so he needs to keep his opinion to himself.

IME there is no ‘loathing and contempt’ of any individual women who chooses to change their name.

The objection is to the patriarchy that underpins this tradition and the sexism that still exists in expecting women to give their name while men frequently refuse to consider it.

Hmm, he might just be an old fashioned sexist: fine for his Dd to take a man’s name but he’s not happy to see another woman’s name take the place of his

So why mention it then?
DD is straight but says if she ever married she won't change her name

Did you take your husband's ? Did his mum take his dad's name ?
If that is what your daughter want to do then surely you should respect that .

I guess they want to share the same surname and like the sound of the partner's name better. Or his DD doesn't mind and the partner does. Some people even make up a totally new name eg Green + Brown = Grown or Breen. I might be a little sad if it was a very unusual name.

I get this but OP's husband is allowed to be upset.
I would too

Why would you be upset @Praying4Peace ?

LOL, yes there is! The vitriol (on here) aimed at women who change their surnames to their husband's on marriage is fierce at best. Some women HATE it that most women do this, like they're 'letting the side down.' 🙄

They cry 'oooh what about the non-existent sisterhood yada yada?!'

The self proclaimed radical feminists, are all for women having choices in life and doing what they want, when it suits them. (The rad-fems!)

When women do things that the Rad-fems disagree with, they get shade thrown over them. Most women WANT to change their surname to their husband's on marriage, and some women don't like that.

Shame.

He's being daft. I assume if she'd married a bloke he wouldn't have been upset if she'd become Mrs MarriedName.

Not sure why it makes any difference to him.

He hasn't said anything though just to me.

so how do you know?

I am one of the people who pops up on all those threads, from the feminist POV.

And while I agree there is exasperation that women who do- yes, choose - to change their names are often also incapable of panning out and acknowledging that beyond individual free choice there is a wider context that is patriarchal and sexist, I honestly do not see individual women attacked.

I also see women asked to explain how they see it.

And a lot of women becoming very defensive.

Because he said something to the OP.

Just to her. Not to his Dd.

Like many others, I am dying to know if you took your husbands name, and if he was happy for that to happen.
Because if that’s the case, then he’s a massive hypocrite.

Your daughter and her wife can do absolutely whatever they want with their names and it is nothing to do with your husband.

Did you take your husband's surname, OP?

In that case, tell him to 🤐it

and don’t dignify it with any further thought

But I guess you wouldn't be upset if the spouse was a man and she took her husbands name? Or is the upset because your child wouldn't have their dad's family name anymore?

You need to clarify OP. If she was straight and marrying a man, would your DH be upset at her taking her husband's name?

They can choose a completely different name if they wish. Maybe could somehow amalgamate if they don't want to upset.
But at the end of the day the decision is your daughter and wife to be and if she wants her name, DH will need to get over it.