DH is upset that Daughter want to take her wife's name in same same marriage.

[Netcurtainnelly]

DD is planning on getting married to her wife later on the year.
DD has said she plans to take her wife's surname.

DH is upset that she hasn't kept her own name or gone double barrelled.

He hasn't said anything though just to me.

What do other people do who have same sex weddings re names.
Is DH being unreasonable for being upset and not understanding why daughters chosen to take her wife's name?

If it's any help our DD is fem and her partner is not, does this have anything to do with it?
What would you think?
What do other people do?
I don't really know anyone in this situation.
Yes we do get on with dd wife to be before anyone asks.

Thanks all. Hubby won't say anything.
Dd wife proposed to her got down on one knee.

OP, did you take your husbands name? Was he okay with that?

Wow

In my personal opinion, it would reduce the chance of family name being continued in future generations. That means a lot to me

He’s being ridiculous. Totally up to individuals what they do in this situation. I took my DH’s name when we married because I wanted the family name to share with my children. He would have been happy to change to mine, but we both agreed that his surname was more interesting (mine was very common, along the lines of “smith”)

I don’t know any gay couples who haven’t kept their own names or double barrelled after marriage… so I would say that is unusual.
Wouldn’t advise anyone to take another’s name, ever. But each to their own.
Have you Lou yes out what a ball ache it’ll be changing her docs!?

Your DH is being unreasonable for trying to put any pressure on DD. It doesn’t matter what other straight or same sex couples do, all that matter is what your DD wants to do.

I don’t think your dh is wrong to feel like he does. He’s allowed his feelings. And it’s good that he hasn’t voiced his upset to your dd. Some people will understand why he feels that way and others will feel he’s unreasonable, and feelings aren’t always rational or explainable or reasonable, so I don’t think he’s awful for having emotions about his dd not having the family name anymore. But I also don’t think your dd is wrong to do what she feels is best for her. So I haven’t voted because I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here (unless your dh decides to kick up a huge fuss about it).

When my sister and her wife got married, my SIL took our family name. My sister is fem, my SIL is not. But in my SIL’s case I think it was very much influenced by the fact that she associated her surname with a toxic, abusive family so she was keen to shed that final link with them, which is obviously a different situation than your DD’s (I presume). At the end of the day, a name is ultimately just a name, and it’s your dd’s choice but your dh is allowed to be sad about it for his own reasons.

This really!

So if your daughter wanted to take her husband’s name you’d be upset?

The thing is there’s no guarantee your family name will carry on in years to come anyway. Women still take their husband’s name most of the time. (If google is to be believed 90% of married straight women in the uk take their husband’s name).

I'm in a lesbian relationship and I think that people who say 'it's exactly the same as if she were married a man' are being a bit disingenuous or maybe just oblivious. Being a lesbian is not exactly the same as being straight except that you happen to like women instead of men. Some aspects of it make life more difficult in a society where hetersexuality is the norm. But one thing that I've always seen as an advantage (apart from getting to have sex with women) is that there is less of a social script to follow, and you don't have to engage with as many social norms as you go through life (e.g. 'shall I get married or not?', 'should I take my husband's name or not?'). For straight women, if you choose not to, you're still deliberately rejecting the standard option - you don't get to pretend there isn't a standard option. For gay women, the question doesn't have to arise at all because there's not already a traditional way of doing it.

So I don't think OP's DH is necessarily being homophobic, even if he wouldn't have thought twice about it if his DD had been straight. She's made a choice which feels like a rejection, since (a) it didn't need to be made at all, and (b) the couple has essentially chosen between his name and the fiancee's dad's name. There could be all sorts of benign reasons for that but there could also be quite hurtful ones, which he might suspect.

OP you’re not answering the pertinent question of whether you changed your name to that of your DH. If you did he’s a thundering hypocrite at best - unless he urged you not to. I suspect your blanking of this question speaks volumes.
Also the people on here wanging on about the awfulness of feminists making them feel bad for taking husband’s name - we are just trying to point out that it’s a sexist convention that most men wouldn’t do for them and it’s OK to think about or even question that. If you wanna change your name go ahead but be aware there’s a choice and the sky won’t fall in if you don’t.

Anyone entering any kind of marriage - same or opposite sex - can take whatever name they want. As can we all at any time, tbh.

You DH doesn’t get a say in this. Why is he so bothered, no one is changing his name?

He’s especially unreasonable to go through you - it’s not up to you to be the middle person!

Did you take your DH's name? And would he object to her taking his name if she were marrying a man?

If the answers are "yes" for the first and / or "no" to the second, ask DH why he thinks you're the audience for blatant sexism, and close the subject.

I’m confused. Would he be ok if she took her husbands name if she was straight? Both of my sets of friends in same sex marriages just chose the surname they preferred and went with that.

I really hope the OP's husband didn't marry his own mother...

The three same sex couples that I know have all both double barrelled to incorporate both surnames. It’s just individual preference though and whatever the couple wants. Would he be the same if she was marrying a man and took his surname do you think? Because that would be pretty standard and it’s the same thing essentially

Her choices as a grown adult are her own. I'd tell him that he can feel whichever way but he should keep that to himself. That way you acknowledge how he feels without upsetting her. It's unfortunate people assume the worst when it could just be that he's feeing a little sad that his precious dd no longer carries his name. I'd just remind him that their bond transcends a name and to be happy for her.

I changed my name to a double barrelled name when I married dh. I regret it and have to spell it everytime I have an appointment.

My two friends took one of their names so that they could pass on a family name. One side of the marriage has young children boys and girls and one side hasn’t, so they chose the name of the side that doesn’t have young children to keep the family name going.

Has DH expressed why he’s so upset by it?

Assuming your daughter has your husbands name? Was he upset that she doesn’t have your name when she was born? Was he upset when you took his name (assuming you did here)?

If he wasn’t upset at these two things (assuming they happened) he should shut up and butt out.

Our neighbours lesbian neighbours combined their surnames on their marriage to create a new one:m, ie, Cookham & Langdon became Langham

It hasn’t happened yet anyway, there’s time for your DD to have a proper think about if/why she would change her name. She may change her mind, having got caught up in the romance of the proposal.

I know 2 x straight couples who did this. Made an entirely new name.

I wish it was outdated, everyone I know who gets married take the mans name still, and children automatically get his name when they’re unmarried too.

Why do men have such strong opinions on what women do with their own names?

It is completely unreasonable. It is your DDs name and her choice to call herself Consuela Banana Hammock if she wants.