The Audacity of in-laws

[Hotdays]

I have struggled alot with my in-laws, cant believe their sense of entitlement at times, cannot believe their childishness, cannot believe the way they go out of their way to deliberately ignore me as the mother of their grandchildren, the audacity of them at times is quite unbelievable. The thing I struggle to comprehend though, is, before I married DH and had his children, we got on well, his mother is a nice person, so AIBU to think that something somewhere in the relationship changes when a DIL becomes a DIL/mother? Do DIL become more sensitive where usually things would just wash over them? Or do MIL’s become more ruthless/rude/ wanting to maintain their place as top woman? Just thought it would be an interesting topic, also if you have rude in-laws, I feel you! 😅

More info needed.

There is a lot of labelling here, without details OP.

But yes, it can't be nice if you are made to feel that way.

Its about relationships with in laws in general, what are peoples experiences and thoughts x

It's a relationship of tolerance lol 😂 but at times patience wears off, and other than putting up with it for the sake of peace nothing can be done...but if their deliberately ignoring you and being rude then make it known that you won't put up with it, set your boundaries.

Not in my experience. Lots of people get on with their in-laws. You're making a huge generalisation without providing any evidence or examples.

Because this thread is daily fail bait.

Don’t know about your situation OP but an audacity of in-laws is an excellent collective noun!

Always got on great with MIL until our first baby was born. She changed overnight! It really upset me and DH. She undermined everything we did, criticised us, it was awful. This continued until BIL and SIL had their first child. She's back to being nice as pie to me and they're having the treatment we had. Apparently she was the same with older BIL and SIL but I didn't know her then and their children were teens when I met DH. Strange woman. Our relationship has never recovered. I'm civil with her to keep the peace, but can't forgive her for how she treated me those first years that I was a mother.

Mine got a lot better after I had kids as they could see I had great kids and therefore assumed I was a good mother. Before that the relationship wasn’t great at all.

This is exactly my experience, she is back to trying to be kind and respectful, but I feel I’ve seen enough and can never un-see it. Its as if she lost her head for a good few years when my babies came along.

😂 My In laws assume that because my children are good at something, or learn something new, its obviously down to someone else 🙄🙄 “oh where did she learn that from, she must have heard it in nursery “ or “oh how does he know that? Your DSIL must have taught him” 🙄🙄

Oh dear. Yeah it was weird. Mine were pretty awful and I have a lot of nieces and nephews from my husbands side who most of them are pretty unruly. Ours have great manners, endgame with grandparents, never threw tantrums, do well in school etc. I’m not saying this to brag but rather to say the PIL saw our kids as being really great kids especially compatibly and my MIL does credit me with being a good mother. I never would have thought she would have done this and thought she would have done what yours did. I would probably answer with ‘well considering the time and effort I put into my kids I might have a little something to do with that too’.

I think there are some difficult in laws but also plenty of insecure dils wanting to cause arguments.

I can’t relate with my current set of in laws as mine are literally the nicest people but my ex partner’s mother was so unhinged and vile to me I ended up taking out a restraining order when we split. I could write a book on the savage way I was treated. Nothing to do with me becoming the mother to two of her grandchildren she was just a terrible misunderstood bitter person with alcohol and mental health issues. I actually didn’t want to meet my current in laws for a long time as I was scared it was maybe me.

Why do you want general experiences and thoughts?
Is this your lived experience?
Are you asking for advice in your own circumstances?

What you are actually asking for?

Having a baby can be like throwing a hand grenade into a family system, it can cause so much change and disruption, hence why abusive behaviour from men can often start around this time. This book is really amazing and articulates the dynamics so well https://amzn.eu/d/2bHS4ro

“so AIBU to think that something somewhere in the relationship changes when a DIL becomes a DIL/mother? Do DIL become more sensitive where usually things would just wash over them? Or do MIL’s become more ruthless/rude/ wanting to maintain their place as top woman? Just thought it would be an interesting topic”

Its just a conversation :)

Some in laws are great some are not, you can’t get on with everyone.

One of my siblings has married someone that none of the family get on with. We all tried for many years but she is intolerable and has just got worse over time, but I guarantee she tells everyone that her in laws are the problem when the truth is they bent over backwards for her for a very long time but were treated like something she trod in on her shoe.

Sounds awful x

DILS often have a prickly relationship with in laws. Read MN. It isn't just MILS that are disliked but often SILS and Step daughters. There is research that reflects the antagonism some women show to non biologically related family members.Many DILS complain so much on here that it feels MN is full of women haters (older women at that.) It is unhealthy
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/nov/30/women-family?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other
I use the JIlly Cooper quote a lot on these threads.
'All old people are hard work unless they are your old people in which case they are an absolute treasure.'

I think something does change when DIL becomes a mother. What you said about "losing her head" when GC came along is exactly how I described it!! Although both my dm and mil lost their heads.

As a DIL I had freedom, me and DH could go where we wanted at Christmas etc. They didn't care what we were up to really. When I became a mother, I felt I lost that freedom. I was obliged to make visits, she didnt care if it was convenient or even if i was having a nice time.

She needed to know how many days exactly I was with my dm. Then I had to do the same number of days at her house. Became stressful. Probably a time in my life when I needed support and instead I got pressure.

I don’t get on with mine, but ensure I never see her - DH sorts out taking the kids for visits etc. I kept up a friendly though cool relationship until 4 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and she said nothing, did not offer to help, never did a single thing. That was the straw. But she’s a perfectly nice person just incredibly spoilt, boring, uninterested in DH or grandchildren, talks only about the several annual holidays abroad she takes, never interested in anyone else. As I say, containable until after the cancer thing and then I drew a line - you start to realise life really is too short & time precious.

Interesting, thank you x

I think it’s because once a baby is born, the work load of mums become so much more, and the dh life carries on the same.
Resentment builds, dh then becomes and Disney dad infront of his parents and they say ‘wow, he’s so good’ and the resentment builds which is then directed towards the In laws rather than the dh.

I do also think it must be hard to be an inlaw, because you often can’t do the right thing.

Very true. In fairness to my MIL, I lost my own mother before having my children, I was grief stricken and trying to balance a new relationship with this lady who was in essence a stranger to me, but my children’s only grandmother. A woman very different to my own mother, and it felt weird, strange and I did not like it, things I would tolerate from my own mother I would not tolerate from her.