The Audacity of in-laws

[Hotdays]

I have struggled alot with my in-laws, cant believe their sense of entitlement at times, cannot believe their childishness, cannot believe the way they go out of their way to deliberately ignore me as the mother of their grandchildren, the audacity of them at times is quite unbelievable. The thing I struggle to comprehend though, is, before I married DH and had his children, we got on well, his mother is a nice person, so AIBU to think that something somewhere in the relationship changes when a DIL becomes a DIL/mother? Do DIL become more sensitive where usually things would just wash over them? Or do MIL’s become more ruthless/rude/ wanting to maintain their place as top woman? Just thought it would be an interesting topic, also if you have rude in-laws, I feel you! 😅

Well my mil was an arsehole before I married her son so... 🤷🏻‍♀️
If anything she's perhaps mildly improved but i'm coming off a decidedly low base.

There is a tension in the mil / dil relationship in general i think... my mil wants everything centred around her and isnt one of life's givers. She wantsa lot of energy directed at her.
i have 2 children under 3 mine and my dhs energy is directed at

• our kids
• keeping our jobs
• getting some sleep

I get on brilliantly with my DILs. Only one has a baby, our DGS, who we absolutely adore. I don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for, just like my own MIL did with me. My DIL is the most wonderful mother, and I tell her so.

My own mother in law taught me what a mother should be, because my mother is toxic. MIL compliments me on my children, often, although they’re grown men. She is own of my favourite people in the world and I love her dearly.

Loved my in-laws and they loved me.
Sadly they are now both passed. Still miss them.

I think that if there isn’t a close MIL/DIL relationship to begin with, having babies can definitely challenge the relationship. Eventually kids can have their own relationship with GPs but in the early weeks/months DILs come as part of this package.

I know my MIL was frustrated when I would go upstairs to bf or wanting to take the baby back if they cried. She eventually starting asking for time alone with the baby as she felt she wasn’t bonding properly while I was there. She once walked out of our house with my firstborn and didn’t tell anyone or take her phone, because she was so frustrated at having to share him. (She did come back 20mins later!)

My kids are teens now and looking back on it all I do think her expectations were too high but equally I didn’t always handle it well. I will say though that it was only intense for a few years and once the kids got a bit older we have been able to go back to our distant but polite relationship again.

I wish they'd bring back the laughing emoji

That is so lovely to hear :) my childrens are wonderful little beings, clever smart and hard working, but its never acknowledged, her own daughters children on the other hand are always praised by her, compared to my children and I am always made to feel like I am not doing good enough. But then I stop to see my children, and listen to everyone elses compliments and think “nah, Im doing a damn good job” 😂

You can post one - 😂

It's a power struggle. In a world where women still often don't have power at work and in decision making, the domestic sphere is worth fighting over.

Probably a combination of things isn't it? Increased stress and a change in dynamic but also I know I became suddenly a lot less tolerant of BS behaviour from family members almost overnight after having DD.
With my in laws, I've had a couple of major rows with them when we previously got on. Essentially because MIL became hyper critical.of me while defending her darling son over totally indefensible behaviour, and praising his Disney parenting to the skies.

Please respond to her with “….because it couldn’t possibly be me, could it?!”

My MiL was an absolute first class cow. As she was to my husband throughout his life. We met in our early 30s and had our first child at 35 - old enough to want to make a stab at parenting ourselves. Because we wouldn’t abide by her view that babies needed to be managed (only feed/touch every four hours) she made the next seven years left of her life absolute hell. It’d take to long to tell the whole story, and to be honest I try not to dwell on it, but I’ve learnt that life is too short to not recognise everyone as capable but too always help IF asked.

Well, your MIL probably thinks it’s pretty audacious of you to bitch and moan about her on a public forum for the whole world to see. It’s certainly not exemplifying “kindness”, the very thing you seem to think she is lacking.

Don't forget that one day you will probably be a MIL.

Adding a daughter/son in law to a family is intrinsically challenging. Your average family is full of sometimes challenging people with behaviours their blood relations have often come to ignore. A new in law is thrown right into the unglossed heart of the family, in a way that say a family friend would not be. People don't put the shine on their true selves in front of family. The new in law then experiences all the undesirable behaviour but without the years of family bonds and ties to set it against. So a single phrase from your new husband's brother has the rest of the family rolling their eyes, but you are horrified because you don't know him so well.
If your own mother says something offensive, you'll probably challenge her on it and hash it out. You're less likely to do this with your MIL, so resentment festers.

Then add in the changing relationships with blood family. Your new husband's nuclear family is now you, and he may see his blood family a bit less, as you'll also both spend time visiting your blood family. Chuck a baby in and this is magnified dramatically.

Regarding grandchildren, MILs are likely to be more difficult than FILs I reckon, purely because they are statistically more invested in family and probably see it as a greater part of their identity than FILs. Generally speaking.

So with all that in mind I'm more surprised when people say they adore their MIL. I think that both they and their MIL must be unusually nice people!

Having children alters the whole dynamic of everything in general. It alters your marriage for a start. I also think people are far more enmeshed with their parents and in-laws post marriage now than they were years ago, which doesn't help. I got married and had my child in the 70's. Parents and in-laws were people you visited maybe once a month. They rarely had any money to help out, so there was no complication in that respect, and they simply didn't do childcare. They might babysit once in a blue moon if you were lucky. Everyone seems to live in each other's pockets these days.

I'm not married to my DP, but over 7 years of relationship and for the most part I think his DM and I have grown fonder... Or maybe understand each other a little more, I'm not sure.

I can say, that I have a SIL through my sibling & she changed hugely once there was a baby on the way. I think (having analysed the situation so much over the years) that she finally felt secure enough to lay her boundaries. But unfortunately it was coupled with a lot of snide hostility and picking at mine and other people's characters from both of them.

My DP has a large family & I think everyone gets on, though I've not bothered with a couple of the siblings/ their spouses, due to major clashes in politics, or the snubbing of a SIL.

Families suck.

Tbh i dont really care, she has done far far worse to me :) you cant continually treat people poorly and expect goodness in return, although it did work like that for a while for her :) she drained me of every inch of kindness and tolerance I had left, so if moaning about mistreatment is the worse I have done, so be it. Yes hopefully I will be a MIL myself, and I look forward to treating my daughter in law well, with respect, and with her and my sons wishes in mind, ive been lucky to have a MIL who has shown me what NOT to do, also lucky to have the memory of my wonderful mother who was a wonderful woman, hope you have a nice day x

Thank you ! Agree with alot of what you are saying :)

It happened to me and I was nc for 5 years, she deeply regretted it, apologised etc. Typing on a phone so cannot share all stupid, weird, crazy things she did without me provoking her , saying a word etc

Mine are toxic Assholes.

My relationship changed with MIL after we got married, but the significant change happened when her daughter (my SIL) got engaged. They all got really competitive towards me. It really hurt actually

My one loves her men on her little finger, and they respond to it. It's been a battle. She's now 80, has cancer and he has got terminal one. I keep neutral and obviously they're too old now and busy reading themselves for care, death etc....so the shit ended

Ira 5 years since. Mil died not a day passes where I dont think about her and miss her.

Its 10 years since my mum died. I rarely think about her and do not recall when I last felt I missed her. My sister still misses her a lot.

Its not always about being inlaws its about personalities. Mil and I allowed our relationship to grow and over the years I grew to love her dearly (fil died with 7 years of my meeting dh -he was a good man and great as a grandad) mil was not critical or someone who would put you down she was juat present and with you when you wantes.

My mother often overstepped was very critical and I realised as I became a mother myself that I was the scapegoat ao I put distance in our relationship.

I get on well with mine and they get on well with me.🤷‍♀️

It’s both I think, when you have kids your fuse shortens, due to tiredness and stress. Mils I would say try to help but forget as the mum you need a bit of space and that it’s not their child. I had ups and downs with ils but as we aged (I’m 45, youngest 10), we’re now back to a good relationship. You don’t want to hear this but I totally do agree that we become our mils, we’ve so much in common it’s shocking!!!😅

You are very lucky :)