The Audacity of in-laws

[Hotdays]

I have struggled alot with my in-laws, cant believe their sense of entitlement at times, cannot believe their childishness, cannot believe the way they go out of their way to deliberately ignore me as the mother of their grandchildren, the audacity of them at times is quite unbelievable. The thing I struggle to comprehend though, is, before I married DH and had his children, we got on well, his mother is a nice person, so AIBU to think that something somewhere in the relationship changes when a DIL becomes a DIL/mother? Do DIL become more sensitive where usually things would just wash over them? Or do MIL’s become more ruthless/rude/ wanting to maintain their place as top woman? Just thought it would be an interesting topic, also if you have rude in-laws, I feel you! 😅

As someone who had a very tricky relationship with their MIL,I can relate to this. To be honest,I knew from the moment I met her that she was going to be awkward. I got the impression that she didn't want to believe that the relationship between me and her son was serious. And when I became pregnant,she said oh don't get too excited you might have a miscarriage. Charming. She never really warmed to me in the 15 years that her son and I were together. When me and my husband got divorced,she cut me (and my daughter) off completely. I've since heard that she thought I was 'too posh' for her son. Believe me,I am anything but!

Mine thinks we get in but I can’t stand them. I act like I do as I don’t want to make any of them feel uncomfortable but they actually make my skin crawl how the baby their son and want every detail of our lives

The fact that she has cut contact with you, and her own grand daughter speaks volumes on the kind of person she is x

You can't generalise like that.

In our family the only person who has morphed into a monster following marriage and motherhood is a daughter in law.

Read ‘She’ by Robert A Johnson if you really want to understand - it’s fascinating.

asking peoples thoughts and experiences is not generalising, its asking peoples thoughts and experiences, thank you for sharing yours x

Quite often, I think people use the tedious stereotype of MILs being awful to justify their efforts to detach their dps from their family of origin and only be interested in their “own little family” As if men shoul no longer have parents or siblings once they are in a relationship.

I found it much easier before kids, to be honest. I think I have much less energy/time to work around/worry about other people’s needs now and I also can’t understand some of their views on parenting now I am a parent myself. I think some grandparents also struggle with their new role in the family. They think about you all the time whilst you’re fighting to keep your children/marriage/career alive. They don’t get why you’re less available.

I’ve known them a very long time and would still say we have a good relationship but I find time with them much more stressful/tiring now and, especially when I feel like I have to manage the emotions of my children and grown adults in the same way.

Thats an interesting viewpoint and one im not that familiar with, although I have seen some DIL’s like that, especially if they have their own strong family unit they would rather spend time with, however my experience is that DIL’s are usually the ones to keep the family dynamics going, remembering the birthdays, arranging the visits, organising the parties/dinners, buying the flowers/gifts, hosting the Christmas’s etc, only to be met with put downs, judgement’s, insults etc.

My MIL does this this where she announces her expectations and then acts enormously offended when we don’t do as she expects.

“Of course they’ll be getting married in the local church” She didn’t, we never suggested we would be.

”They’ll certainly be having a big housewarming party for the family” when we moved into our forever home - she didn’t, we didn’t and hadn’t ever said we would.

“They’d love to host you and have you to stay” to distant family we had no relationship with and didn’t like - nope.

“Of course they’d be happy to collect you from the airport” - to family friends we barely know, 7hr round trip - nope.

See above and repeat annually. We’ve told her to stop offering us up, she gets upset. She wants to show off and look good, and gets shitty with us when we don’t do as instructed.

Oh god, I feel for you. My MIL gave up her whole god damn career and took early retirement when I announced my pregnancy (without discussing anything with us) because of her expectations to watch our baby (we had not discussed childcare arrangements AT ALL) at this point and was miffed when she found out that actually , my father and a childcare setting would also be included in the picture :) She went back part time and told everyone that I would not allow her to have the baby!

Of course, over on the other side are the DILs who believe that the world should revolve around them when they have a baby, and that their children are the second coming and MIL should want to worship at their shrine at all times. Disinterested or overly busy MILs should be shot.

I love my DILs and we all get on, I should add. This is just an observation that I've noted from the behaviour of others.

I got along well with my MIL, as she was a really warm and accepting person who enthusiastically welcomed me into the family from day 1. When DH and I had our children, the relationship blossomed even more. She was the perfect grandma, and loved us all without condition. I loved her dearly, as did all her grandchildren, and I miss her very much.

My own mum's response to me giving her the news of my first pregnancy was "oh". That level of interest continued for the next 35 years, until her death.

My MIL made me the mother and grandmother that I am today, and I'm enormously grateful to her.

Why do you give kisses to complete strangers?

Why not? Its not a physical kiss, its an “x” typed from a phone 😅 In all seriousness its just habit, you really dont need to question it :)

"I got along well with my MIL, as she was a really warm and accepting person who enthusiastically welcomed me into the family from day 1. When DH and I had our children, the relationship blossomed even more. She was the perfect grandma, and loved us all without condition. I loved her dearly, as did all her grandchildren, and I miss her very much.
^^
My MIL made me the mother and grandmother that I am today, and I'm enormously grateful to her."

This is lovely to read ❤️ I'm genuinely so glad you had someone like her in your life.

I am incredibly grateful to my in laws..

They have taught me so much and if ever I am a MIL, I will try my damnedest to NOT be anything like them in the hope of not making anyone feel the way they have made me feel.

They were pretty shit parents so not surprising they were shit PILs too.

Exactly

This
Also it always seems to be the paternal in laws who are perceived to be the problem??????
Paternal in laws are always on vulnerable ground

My MIL and I get on really well. I am the person she talks to when she wants to sound something out before talking to her actual DC. However, her other DIL would not have a decent word to say about her.

I do think, though, that if the relationship is not easy before you have kids, it's not going to improve it much.

Agreed, its what everyone wishes for!

I feel the same as you, I hope I will be hyper hyper aware of how I treat my future DIL as I will never want to make her feel what I have felt at the hands of my in-laws.

Look, your PILs are a completely chance relationship, like people you work with — they’re only in your life because of who you married. I am utterly different to my MIL, but despite the fact she has no time at all for me, and barely knows the first thing about me despite knowing me for over 30 years, I remain quite fond of her. She had a difficult, impoverished upbringing as the eldest of a huge family, has had a small life, and couldn’t afford any imagination or subtlety. I need to be the ones who is imaginative and understanding. She isn’t capable of either. But she’s my lovely DH’s mother.

My relationship with my PiL, especially MiL, became better. And better still when we had kids.

We don’t really gel. I doubt we’d spend time together if I knew her in some other capacity. But we both want things to go well for DH’s sake (and then for DCs’ sake) and so we’re good and kind to each other.

However, there had been a bust up between MiL and my BiL and his wife. Does not know the details but they were outraged at something she said after birth of a DC. Estranged for a few years. Before our kids were born my DH visited his mum without me, I wasn’t even aware he went, and had words about what he expected. This may have helped set us up for success, or it may have been unnecessary. I wasn’t aware of it at the time.

yes indeed, mothers and sons

On Gransnet, estranged paternal grandparents, the song is always the same..

Its great that your MIL has never done anything to hurt you, or has not gone out of her way to be deliberately cruel and disrespectful to her daughter in law :) i too am able to reflect on my MIL, her own unique situations and why she is the way she is, but unfortunately her actions have meant that I can simply not be fond of her anymore, respect her as my husbands mother yes (which is more than she can do for me as her sons wife and mother to her grandchildren) but not fond, far too much hurt over the years and wise lessons learned. You sound as if you are different to your MIL in character, rather than the fact she has done things to deliberately hurt you, they are very different things.

Strange isnt it.