Page 4 | The Audacity of in-laws

Hotdays · 2025-07-27T10:14:34+00:00

I have struggled alot with my in-laws, cant believe their sense of entitlement at times, cannot believe their childishness, cannot believe the way they go out of their way to deliberately ignore me as the mother of their grandchildren, the audacity of them at times is quite unbelievable. The thing I struggle to comprehend though, is, before I married DH and had his children, we got on well, his mother is a nice person, so AIBU to think that something somewhere in the relationship changes when a DIL becomes a DIL/mother? Do DIL become more sensitive where usually things would just wash over them? Or do MIL’s become more ruthless/rude/ wanting to maintain their place as top woman? Just thought it would be an interesting topic, also if you have rude in-laws, I feel you! 😅

BadActingParsley · 29/07/2025 09:46

I hugely admire my in laws. They keep on good terms with DH's ex and the mother of his 3 children, as do we, they are on good terms with me who has been married to their son for 14 years, they are on good terms with their other DIL (who can be quite tricky) and she, to be fair makes a really good effort with them.

It can be hard work at times but to be honest I think everyone acknowledges that but realises that falling outs would be worse.

Original poster

Hotdays · 29/07/2025 10:52

BadActingParsley · 29/07/2025 09:46

I hugely admire my in laws. They keep on good terms with DH's ex and the mother of his 3 children, as do we, they are on good terms with me who has been married to their son for 14 years, they are on good terms with their other DIL (who can be quite tricky) and she, to be fair makes a really good effort with them.

It can be hard work at times but to be honest I think everyone acknowledges that but realises that falling outs would be worse.

Sounds great :) it seems that everyone is willing to make an effort to get along with each other!

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PollockMullet · 29/07/2025 10:54

Hotdays · 29/07/2025 09:39

Its great that your MIL has never done anything to hurt you, or has not gone out of her way to be deliberately cruel and disrespectful to her daughter in law :) i too am able to reflect on my MIL, her own unique situations and why she is the way she is, but unfortunately her actions have meant that I can simply not be fond of her anymore, respect her as my husbands mother yes (which is more than she can do for me as her sons wife and mother to her grandchildren) but not fond, far too much hurt over the years and wise lessons learned. You sound as if you are different to your MIL in character, rather than the fact she has done things to deliberately hurt you, they are very different things.

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Oh, but she has done things. Or that’s definitely how it would be interpreted by people on here.

As one example, when DH turned 40, she put together a big album of photos (approx 200) from throughout his life in a fancy bound book as a present . Given that we’d been together since we were teenagers, I’m obviously in loads of occasion/birthday/family wedding/graduation etc photos — we graduated at the same ceremony. Yet I appear in precisely 2 out of 200 photos, and one of those was a big student ball survivors photo with a hundred other people. We’d had DS less than a year earlier, but the album only has photos of DH holding DS.

That’s just one example of many. But taking offence is a choice. The woman has about as much insight into her own motivations as a toddler.

phoenixrosehere · 29/07/2025 11:04

From the ones I’ve seen most get on but having been the one to hear from both sides, I’ve noticed ime that the issues often stem from differing expectations and not taking into account their adult children and the spouse as a team.

For me personally, I hoped for a warm relationship with my MIL.

My MIL and I have a surface relationship and tbh, I could tell you way more about her than she could about me. She was nice but thinking about it she had rarely ever asked questions about me personally. Interest only came when I became pregnant and even then it was about baby. I put effort in to get to know her, friendly, asked questions, making sure we visited after to bond with grandchildren since we don’t live close yet I think the most she could tell you about me is maybe a handful of things you find out chatting from a stranger, not someone you have known for over a decade. It took ages for DH to notice but by then I had already accepted what kind of relationship she wanted with me and stop putting in the extra effort, kept it to politeness and left DH to it, especially after some things she has said to me that were not on, ridiculous, and unnecessary and noticing that there weren’t any pictures of our kids with the others of family and other grandchildren despite us sending pictures. Had to actually gift frame pictures before that happened and then she started framing them.

I just accept what she is willing to give and only do what I am comfortable with.

Original poster

Hotdays · 29/07/2025 11:41

PollockMullet · 29/07/2025 10:54

Oh, but she has done things. Or that’s definitely how it would be interpreted by people on here.

As one example, when DH turned 40, she put together a big album of photos (approx 200) from throughout his life in a fancy bound book as a present . Given that we’d been together since we were teenagers, I’m obviously in loads of occasion/birthday/family wedding/graduation etc photos — we graduated at the same ceremony. Yet I appear in precisely 2 out of 200 photos, and one of those was a big student ball survivors photo with a hundred other people. We’d had DS less than a year earlier, but the album only has photos of DH holding DS.

That’s just one example of many. But taking offence is a choice. The woman has about as much insight into her own motivations as a toddler.

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Your last sentence made me giggle 😂 That sounds similar to something my MIL has done, it hurt yes but I didn’t take offence, more of the view that she was just thinking of her own little family unit and didn’t see me as part of that.

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Anxioustealady · 29/07/2025 14:01

cakeisallyouneed · 27/07/2025 13:50

I think that if there isn’t a close MIL/DIL relationship to begin with, having babies can definitely challenge the relationship. Eventually kids can have their own relationship with GPs but in the early weeks/months DILs come as part of this package.

I know my MIL was frustrated when I would go upstairs to bf or wanting to take the baby back if they cried. She eventually starting asking for time alone with the baby as she felt she wasn’t bonding properly while I was there. She once walked out of our house with my firstborn and didn’t tell anyone or take her phone, because she was so frustrated at having to share him. (She did come back 20mins later!)

My kids are teens now and looking back on it all I do think her expectations were too high but equally I didn’t always handle it well. I will say though that it was only intense for a few years and once the kids got a bit older we have been able to go back to our distant but polite relationship again.

This is unbelievable. I'm not sure I'd be on polite terms after that.

Original poster

Hotdays · 29/07/2025 14:28

Anxioustealady · 29/07/2025 14:01

This is unbelievable. I'm not sure I'd be on polite terms after that.

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I would certainly not be, but according to some of the posts this thread has had it seems that the dil should be quiet over such instances and not be a problem and give kindness to your MIL rather than “make a fuss, or be dramatic” and choose not to take offence

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thepariscrimefiles · 30/07/2025 16:11

cakeisallyouneed · 27/07/2025 13:50

I think that if there isn’t a close MIL/DIL relationship to begin with, having babies can definitely challenge the relationship. Eventually kids can have their own relationship with GPs but in the early weeks/months DILs come as part of this package.

I know my MIL was frustrated when I would go upstairs to bf or wanting to take the baby back if they cried. She eventually starting asking for time alone with the baby as she felt she wasn’t bonding properly while I was there. She once walked out of our house with my firstborn and didn’t tell anyone or take her phone, because she was so frustrated at having to share him. (She did come back 20mins later!)

My kids are teens now and looking back on it all I do think her expectations were too high but equally I didn’t always handle it well. I will say though that it was only intense for a few years and once the kids got a bit older we have been able to go back to our distant but polite relationship again.

Honestly, if someone disappeared with my baby without asking or telling anyone where she was going and not taking their phone, I'd have called the police. You must have the patience of a saint not to have totally cut her off from any relationship with you and your baby after pulling a stunt like that.

Was she apologetic about what she did?

Boomer55 · 30/07/2025 16:45

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 11:22

Its about relationships with in laws in general, what are peoples experiences and thoughts x

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I get on just fine with my DIL and SIL. They are both lovely, but I’ve had to bite my tongue at times. 😉

It’s about tolerance and accepting that no one is perfect. 🤷‍♀️

LadeOde · 31/07/2025 16:55

I do think that its easier to accept your MILs flaws when your own mother has been ghastly. There's a trend in personal life and on MN where women who have had awful relationships with their own mothers seem to form loving close relationships with their MIL.

Original poster

Hotdays · 02/08/2025 21:34

LadeOde · 31/07/2025 16:55

I do think that its easier to accept your MILs flaws when your own mother has been ghastly. There's a trend in personal life and on MN where women who have had awful relationships with their own mothers seem to form loving close relationships with their MIL.

Is there really? Thats interesting but makes sense! I had the most wonderful, wise, laid back,no fuss mother, which makes my MIL and her behaviours seem very alien/strange/ mind blowing.

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Swiftie1878 · 03/08/2025 09:52

LadeOde · 31/07/2025 16:55

I do think that its easier to accept your MILs flaws when your own mother has been ghastly. There's a trend in personal life and on MN where women who have had awful relationships with their own mothers seem to form loving close relationships with their MIL.

Very interesting! My mother was/is absent. I loved my MIL.

Autumn38 · 04/08/2025 09:54

I don’t think you can generalise. My MIL is lovely to me, my mum is lovely to my SIL.