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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Dd being used as income stream?

118 replies

Plainjanespaghetti · 26/07/2025 22:08

Prepared to be told IABU but struggling to see this in a positive light...

Dd has recently graduated. Hopes to remain in city that she studied in. She is working in same job that she did while studying, while applying for other jobs. We have/will help her out for a bit if money is tight.

Dd living with BF and has been for the last year. He will be in this area for at least 18 months as has employment commitments.

They rent a 2 bed

BF parents, who already own 5 houses which they let, are now planning to buy (outright) a 4 bed in the uni city. They expect their son and Dd to move into it, as well as assist with the upkeep etc, as BF parents live a good 3 hrs travel time away

BF parents want them both to pay the same rent as they are now. House in parents name.

Dd doesn't want to move into proposed house as doesn't think they can afford the additional cost of a bigger property & doesn't like the area. It also doesn't have all the same amenities as current house.

Apparently the house buy was presented as great honor.

I'm struggling with this as feel that Dd being used as a source of their income. They expect their son to move in and by default Dd.

Currently unknown if they plan to fill the other rooms or what sort of contract they'd want. Dd considers she's lived with enough 'randoms' to not fancy doing this again.

Proposed house is also outside of typical student area by about 12 miles..

AIBU?

OP posts:
rwalker · 26/07/2025 22:50

There established LL if DD doesn’t rent it then they’ll rent it to someone else there not using your daughter as a cash cow

it’s there money so why wouldn’t it be in there name

she doesn’t have to move

herbalteabag · 26/07/2025 22:53

It's not a 'nice thing' at all. There is no benefit to this and it sounds like t's 12 miles away from where she wants to be, which is hardly insignificant. It also sounds like the boyfriend doesn't stand up for himself against his parents.
She should just live where she wants to, with or without her boyfriend.

fromthechandelier · 26/07/2025 22:54

This exact thing happened to a dear friend of mine 20 years ago. She made the mistake to move in. After a few years her BF's parents sold the house with no agreement from her or the BF, they were expected to just move out and move on. Because they'd paid market rates they hadn't been able to save anything for a deposit of their own, and went into privately renting elsewhere. I was furious for her.

By that time she'd married the BF and he was very much under the thumb of his parents. I lost touch with them after I moved away so I don't know what happened since but I know they're still married.

Your DD needs to run a mile from this if she wants any autonomy over her future.

TheGentleButFirmMadonna · 26/07/2025 22:57

If it was , I would offer him marriage and moving then only afterwards.

Teenytwo · 26/07/2025 22:59

If they rent it to individuals would it count as a hmo and come with fees and regulations…. If their son lives there would the individuals become lodgers and therefore less fees and less regulations?

and no protection for DD if they were to break up suddenly.

TheodoraCrumpet · 26/07/2025 23:00

Won't the council tax on a property of that size be pretty hefty? Who's liable for that?

Smartiepants79 · 26/07/2025 23:06

Although neither you nor DD are being unreasonable about how this has been presented she does run the risk of being made homeless and having to find somewhere else to rent, possibly on her own. Unless the boyfriend prepared to do anything about it she could get stuck with either a choice to move with him or move elsewhere without him.!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/07/2025 23:14

they haven't had the courtesy to give the pair of them full information about this rental..
will the parents be the landlords?
Will the couple each have their name on the lease agreement.
Will there even be a lease agreement.
Its a four bed house... are they expected to find and manage lodgers.
If so is there a rental discount for this work.
When the parents say responsible for up keep of the property what does that mean.. pay for the annual gas inspection, or pay for repairs?

Until all of those issues are settled, I wouldn't accept that. And ultimately, they have not been given a choice. They are the ones expected to live there and from the sounds of it for a higher rent than they currently pay in an area that is further away.

The BF may benefit eventually, but there's no guarantee.. Unlikely that your DD will unless they get married.. And if the rent is higher it impedes their chances of saving for their own property. I think they could end up being cheap letting agents for the parents.

SheridansPortSalut · 26/07/2025 23:15

I wouldn't assume that they are using her for anything. They might have good intentions. However, it's not a good move for her. If she moves in, feeling under pressure and not liking the area, the relationship won't last.

Original poster
Plainjanespaghetti · 26/07/2025 23:17

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, people have raised points I hadn't considered; food for thought.

The council tax would definitely be more costly and one of dd's concerns.

I'm pretty sure she won't go along with bf parents plans, she doesn't have anything to gain.

Funny really, I'd assumed that once DC hit a certain age, the actions of other parents would no longer be of any concern to me....

OP posts:
PinkCampervan · 26/07/2025 23:17

Plainjanespaghetti · 26/07/2025 22:10

Yes she has explained how she feels. I think he understands, but feels indebted to his family who are doing a 'nice thing'.

Then she has no future with him anyway, because he's showing her he'll always put his parents wishes above hers, the person he's supposed to be a partner to. He's just living with her for convenience, not because he considers her a partner. Otherwise he'd not even contemplate going along with this.

This also hasn't come out of nowhere, his parents will have form for being controlling so she'd best remind herself if she stays with him this is the dynamic she'll be shackling herself to.

DD should say no, even if it means they split up (and she absolutely should break up with him if he's moving out of the home they share together just to appease his parents!). The parents are obviously showy types. They haven't considered the possibility a person might want to live in a smaller property through choice. They're also manipulative hence presenting it as a fait accompli, with no consideration for what their son might want.

Mainly she should say no because she doesn't want to, but also because she'd be paying the same for something of lesser value to her. From DDs perspective, the area isn't as convenient, the utilities and council tax will cost more, there'll be a bigger space to clean and a garden to maintain, they're likely to need to buy more or bigger furniture and not forgetting they will have to do/pay for repairs themselves ("helping out with upkeep" is totally going to translate into "no repairs from landlord" with CFs like this). Of course she doesn't want to live with randoms. One of the perks of being in a relationship is you've someone to split bills with and don't have to live in an actual flat share any more because between you you can at least rent a studio flat.

CareerChange24 · 26/07/2025 23:20

It’s probably quite devious of them as they could let him off/ give him it back/ save it and give him his share back at a later date. But take money off of daughter. I’ve known this happen!

Redburnett · 26/07/2025 23:23

This is the BFs chance to decide who he prioritises in life: his parents or his partner. Let's hope he makes the 'right' decision.

AlexisP90 · 26/07/2025 23:25

Noo I wouldn't like that either. What happens if she splits from her boyfriend? Will there be a proper tenacy agreement? Because it sounds like there wont be and Im sure the parents would kick her out if something went wrong.

It's also not a great honour. They are practically asking her to rent their home and pay rent and bills! That's not an honour - its called being a landlord!

It's too messy, sounds like she isn't even keen and i think she should steer well clear of it.

Hi XXX
Thanks for the offer. I however like the home we live in now and we are settled so will pass.
Have a good day.

BF has to suck it up with his parents.

ellyeth · 26/07/2025 23:25

It's an awkward situation isn't it. Her boyfriend doesn't want to upset his parents, and perhaps he is quite happy with what they have offered.

However, if your daughter doesn't like the house or its location - it's also more expensive, plus there is uncertainty as to whether there will be other tenants (which might not be a good thing), then I think she should stick to her guns.

His parents appear to be wealthy. They don't appear to be doing the young people any favours, money wise. In fact they sound a bit mean. What difference does it make to his parents if your daughter and their son decide to live elsewhere? They can rent it to someone else.

If her boyfriend is unwilling to tell his parents this and tries to persuade your daughter to accept this arrangement, it demonstrates a lack of independence from his parents - and that is concerning.

Pyjamatimenow · 26/07/2025 23:29

If she was smart she’d tell him he can move on there and get a housemate. Too young to be living with a man anyway.

surelynot16 · 26/07/2025 23:31

If anything it sounds as though your DD would be losing out. Extra travel costs, more energy used in a 4 bed house than the 2 bed house she’s already in, if they split up for any reason she’ll be the one to have to leave, no idea who she’d be sharing with, having to wake earlier for commute to work/uni; not even a difference in rent and than there is the actual cost of moving and the upheaval.
I can’t think of one single advantage to her moving 🤷🏻‍♀️

Givenupshopping · 26/07/2025 23:33

Do you actually get a chance to talk to the BF, OP? Is this something he would discuss with you? I know that really it's none of your business, but if you could just have a chat with him about it, it may be useful to know how he actually feels about it, and if he's used to being manipulated by parents, possibly someone else's parent pointing out any pitfalls, may make him think differently about taking it on. Perhaps you could ask him the various questions that PP's have put to you, and then depending on his answers, possibly present him with your own thoughts as a parent, and more experienced person, saying something like, "actually Steve, although your parents probably intend this to be a nice thing, it could end up proving to be a millstone around your neck, for example are you actually ready to pay Council Tax on a much larger property than you live in now?"

Needspaceforlego · 26/07/2025 23:46

Unless they are ready to settle and get married have kids there is no advantage to having a 4 bedroom house.

As well as more money to maintain, heat and council tax.
There is also more rooms to keep clean, probably 3 toilets, probably a garden to maintain to plus the additional travel costs.

And its just twigged no reason to say the ILs can't visit, 2 spare rooms and I'll bet its on the side of the city nearest them.
From ILs POV renting to strangers 3hrs away is a PITA they'll be relying on an estate agent to manage the leaky taps etc etc.

Lockdownsceptic · 26/07/2025 23:46

No one is taking the proverbial and no one is being unreasonable. This is a perfectly sound idea from the parents’ pov and they would probably feel bad if they didn’t offer this house to their own son who lives so close. That doesn’t mean that your daughter has to agree if she doesn’t want to. She needs to talk to her bf and possibly the parents too. She is an adult. She can make her own decisions.

Topsyturvy78 · 26/07/2025 23:51

They sound a bit controlling.

Itstwelveoclocksomewhere · 26/07/2025 23:53

Needspaceforlego · 26/07/2025 23:46

Unless they are ready to settle and get married have kids there is no advantage to having a 4 bedroom house.

As well as more money to maintain, heat and council tax.
There is also more rooms to keep clean, probably 3 toilets, probably a garden to maintain to plus the additional travel costs.

And its just twigged no reason to say the ILs can't visit, 2 spare rooms and I'll bet its on the side of the city nearest them.
From ILs POV renting to strangers 3hrs away is a PITA they'll be relying on an estate agent to manage the leaky taps etc etc.

I agree with this.

I can't see any advantage to a young person living in the commuter belt. It will completely change their lifestyle. Most of us move to the commuter belt when we need additional rooms and maybe some outside space and we can't afford a closer and nicer location. . It isn't our first choice.

DalstonsRhubarb · 26/07/2025 23:53

Just say no. Some families are like this- everything is a money-making opportunity. If she has a future with this boy, best to set the ground rules now. If she doesn’t, even more reason to say no.

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/07/2025 23:58

Plainjanespaghetti · 26/07/2025 22:10

Yes she has explained how she feels. I think he understands, but feels indebted to his family who are doing a 'nice thing'.

She needs to say firmly you don’t get to use me to feel you’re repaying your parents. I can’t afford the bills, I dont want to move to the area, I refuse to live with strangers, and I can’t even rely on my parents as currently they sometimes help with money, no way can I ask them for support to pay your parents 5th house off. I won’t be moving, and you need to tell your parents it’s not nice, it’s an unfair ask.

(I’d say to her she can totally say the bit about you, her parents)

Bengenderson · 27/07/2025 00:10

Why is it being presented as a ‘nice thing’ the parents are doing?? If they are going to be charging them market rent on top of helping with the upkeep etc then it really isn’t any sort of favour or kind deed :/

They sound a bit deluded in that respect and is a red flag imo.