To ask dd to apologise to her dad?

[notanothersummercold]

Dd put some washing in the machine earlier, tried to then open the door after we specifically said don't try because it won't open which of course it wouldn't as it it had already started - she used quite a bit of force - and it has now broken the machine. DH has spent all afternoon trying to fix it - l have told dd she needs to just say to her dad sorry if l broke the machine - but she is absolutely refusing and sitting crying because she won't acknowledge she had any part in this.

AIBU to expect a 13 year old to know when she needs to accept she has done wrong?

DH is annoyed because she didn't listen when we told her not to touch the machine but is really trying to fix it and hasn't had a go at her or anything like that - l just feel like she should acknowledge it.

Absolutely she should apologise

What are you going to do if she doesn't?

Yes she absolutely should apologise!

you told her not to, she did it anyway, is going to cost you money to get it fixed, and her dad has spent time trying to fix it!

accidents happen but you still apologise for them.

Yes, she should take responsibility. Of course she should. If he can’t fix it and it has to be fixed professionally she should pay for it out of pocket/birthday money or by going without a club/luxury.

She should apologise to both of you and explain why she did it. Why is she refusing to apologise and what’s this about: sitting crying because she won't acknowledge she had any part in this?

Thanks everyone- thought l was going to get a flaming!!

So if she doesn't, l am going to withhold pocket money to pay for the part needed. And she will lose her phone for the rest of the weekend which is nothing to do with what has happened but will give her time to reflect

Her main concern was about her clothes that were stuck in the machine!! I know teenagers are selfish but seriously!!!

She should leave the “if” bit out of her apology. “Sorry I broke the machine” (not “Sorry if I broke the machine”).
And yes she should at least help pay for getting it fixed.

Did anyone see her try to open it? I’m just wondering as you say she’s refusing to acknowledge she had any part it in. Is she saying she didn’t do it; or she did do it, but that it didn’t cause the machine to break?

The fact she’s sitting crying makes me think she feels guilty about it. Forcing an apology isn’t a genuine apology and so is meaningless anyway. I’d give her a bit of space and see if she apologises later.

Of course she should apologise and contribute to the cost of repair. She needs to understand the relationship between her actions and negative things happening. You are doing all the right things, OP.

Yes. She did break it, there’s no if. And it wasn’t a mistake or an accident, you told her not to, she did it anyway! She should have offered to pay for it and a half arsed apology, even if you get one, shouldn’t stop her having to.

Yes, she absolutely does need to apologise.

Yes she needs to apologise but I would give her time. Currently she is wound up and possibly embarrassed by doing this. I would give her space and time to process this as she isn't ready to say sorry but if she hasn't apologised by this evening then I would start implementing the consequences.

We heard her then she came upstairs and said the door won't open - and we both said well no we told you not to try - didn't relise itnwas broken until later so full confession from the horse's mouth!

The money - fine.

Removing the phone - vindictive.

Often young people don't apologise because they panic then deny or get defensive to avoid feeling bad.

Give it time to calm down, give her space to reflect.

A lot of people demand performative apologies, but a genuine sorry two days later is worth more.

She broke a washing machine after specifically being told not to do something and then sat around crying and didn’t apologise while her dad fixed it. It’s not “vindictive” it’s a punishment.

Thank you.

I don't think it's vindictive either - usually the punishment needs to fit the crime but l can hardly confiscate a (broken) washing machine - ooh l could make her do all the washing by hand

Punishments teach nothing of value.

Consequences (paying the cost) teach something of value.

You have to decide for yourself how you parent.

Consequences are known to be more effective - which is the cost of the part.

If you want to punish, that's up to you, but confiscating the phone is not going to achieve anything.

🙄

The consequence relates to the breakage - so hopefully she will be more careful next time and listen to us.

The phone removal relates to the blatant refusal to apologise - will give her time to think about what she did - and maybe reflect on how her dad has had to spent all Saturday afternoon fixing something she broke.

Why was she trying to open the door when the washing machine was going?

What's her behaviour like normally? Have you spoken to her to find out what's going on? I wouldn't just jump to punishment, I'd try to understand how it all came about.

She forgot to put something in.

I wouldn’t actually. And I’m very strict. I would give her a serious bollocking for not listening and for broken machine as a result, I would withhold some of her pocket money but I wouldn’t demand a specific apology to Dad for fixing machine.
It does sounds way too much for me.

It's OK- typical teenager - has a very nice life - good group of friends - acts a bit entitled sometimes and doesn't always realise how lucky she is. But is very stubborn and will argue with everything if she's in that kind of a mood. Nothing untowards going on So don't feel like l need to dig deep xx

And by the way in some machines you can put something in when you forgot it but of course not the whole cycle, just at the beginning so it could be a bit of genuine mistake on her part, not deliberate breaking if it makes sense. I would explain her why it works sometimes but not always.