To ask dd to apologise to her dad?

[notanothersummercold]

Dd put some washing in the machine earlier, tried to then open the door after we specifically said don't try because it won't open which of course it wouldn't as it it had already started - she used quite a bit of force - and it has now broken the machine. DH has spent all afternoon trying to fix it - l have told dd she needs to just say to her dad sorry if l broke the machine - but she is absolutely refusing and sitting crying because she won't acknowledge she had any part in this.

AIBU to expect a 13 year old to know when she needs to accept she has done wrong?

DH is annoyed because she didn't listen when we told her not to touch the machine but is really trying to fix it and hasn't had a go at her or anything like that - l just feel like she should acknowledge it.

Apology or not, I think she should pay for the parts out of her own money.

Adding ‘if’ is not properly acknowledging fault. For example Sorry ‘if’ I upset you is not a real apology when you absolutely did upset someone. She absolutely did break the door.

She wouldn't know that to be fair - but we told her to not even try but she knew best and tried anyway - that's the issue really, the not listening

She should pay either way, but yes taking her phone for refusing to acknowledge fault seems fair. It's also fair to have her wash her own stuff by hand for as long as it takes to repair or replace the washing machine. Tbh, it's useful to know how to hand wash your clothes anyway.

I would ask her to pay part of repair costs but wouldn’t take her phone off her as well

I know what you are talking about. DD did the same with a fridge shelf trying to take it out ☹️
Your DD could have heard that it’s possible so I would ask her why she did it. Also she probably followed this misconception that if you can’t open something try harder. I certainly had this idea for quite a while in my head ( quite a few broken things as a result).
She deserves to be told off but I still maintain that specific apology to her dad is too much. He could just gave up and call someone. It’s the consequence of one thing not two separate ones.

I‘m not sure that 13 year olds have that level of washing machine knowledge and she was told not to do it anyway.

Good level parenting @notanothersummercold, perfect.

So the way to get her phone back is to give a false apology.

That's why it's pointless - you're bribing her to lie.

I see it more as teaching her that sometimes you need to apologise when you have done something wrong.

Yes, she should apologise. But think about the timing. My own teenage dd is very disregulated, and it's pointless asking her to apologise in the heat of the moment. She does always apologise once shes calmer, and I'd rather wait for that than force the words. I do sometimes say, "Ill be expecting an apology" but no more than that. I also wait for calm before I discuss consequences.

Great advice, thank you xx

I’m sure she didn’t break it on purpose, and show me the person on here who hasn’t broken something because you didn’t listen properly.. or chanced your arm.

What is it you want the apology for ? Not listening, trying to open the door, not telling the truth ?

I’m pretty sure she already knows she’s done something wrong, without having to ring a bell and shout “shame”

Maybe have a conversation, when it’s all calmed down. Let’s face it, as she gets older she’ll need to feel comfortable coming to talk to you about all sorts of errors and mistakes.. having healthy conversations now, helps with healthy conversations as an adult.

She’s 13, she’s fully aware of that … if that’s the lesson you are trying to teach, you are way too late.

I'm surprised she managed to do that, I hope she didn't flood the area where the machine is x

Of course we all do but she needs to understand how her actions affect others- dad spent ages trying to fix it and none of can have any clean clothes until the new part is turned up.
Just a little sorry would have gone such a long way.

No she didn't manage to open it, just broke the handle so we couldn't get it open once it had finished

The not listening and doing what she wanted to do without considering the consequences then refusing to admit she shouldn't have done it.

I would require an apology, performative or not. It’s important for teenagers to acknowledge their behaviour had an impact on others even if that acknowledgment only comes because they were told to do it. Otherwise she skips through life thinking other people will run around clearing up her mistakes without even recognising that’s what’s happening.

I agree with you entirely OP. She pays for the broken part as a consequence of if ignoring you and breaking the machine. Her phone is taken because she can't interact properly with others and has shown her social development skills are behind, so needs to learn how to apologise for mistakes before getting it back.

Why shouldn't she apologise to her father who has had to spend his weekend trying to fix it?

I think it’s a good opportunity to explain that adults say ‘no’ or ‘don’t do xxxx’ to some things as we know it will break/do damage/we have experience of xxxx rather than just saying ’no’ because we don’t want you to do
it. My oldest DC really struggled with us making negative decisons at that age.

Absolutely confiscate the phone until you see better behaviour & an apology; any tech or xbox etc are your bargaining tools at this age.

Oh come on

Of course she broke it.

She 13
Have you never broke anything op?

Let it go

She should definitely apologise, so YANBU.

I’m sure she has broken things, I have, but I also had to face the consequences of that. Not just totally ignore it ever happened. This incident has caused stress and time wasted to her dad, it has cost family money to fix it, it has left the family without a machine for the immediate future.
This should be acknowledged and apologised for.
I can’t believe how many excuses are being made for the poor choices the teenager has made. Just own your mistake and help to fix it!
OP your consequences are entirely fair. She needs to address what she has done.