Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to apologise to her dad?

83 replies

notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 15:48

Dd put some washing in the machine earlier, tried to then open the door after we specifically said don't try because it won't open which of course it wouldn't as it it had already started - she used quite a bit of force - and it has now broken the machine. DH has spent all afternoon trying to fix it - l have told dd she needs to just say to her dad sorry if l broke the machine - but she is absolutely refusing and sitting crying because she won't acknowledge she had any part in this.

AIBU to expect a 13 year old to know when she needs to accept she has done wrong?

DH is annoyed because she didn't listen when we told her not to touch the machine but is really trying to fix it and hasn't had a go at her or anything like that - l just feel like she should acknowledge it.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 26/07/2025 18:17

Yes, she should apologise.

When I was that age I remember being asked to apologise and it really, really making me angry for some reason. I knew I'd done wrong and it made me really embarrassed to have to admit. If I had time to calm down, I would happily go and say sorry.

verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 19:57

Ketzele · 26/07/2025 17:02

Yes, she should apologise. But think about the timing. My own teenage dd is very disregulated, and it's pointless asking her to apologise in the heat of the moment. She does always apologise once shes calmer, and I'd rather wait for that than force the words. I do sometimes say, "Ill be expecting an apology" but no more than that. I also wait for calm before I discuss consequences.

Yes exactly this, a genuine apology two days later is better than lip service straight away.

mummybear35 · 27/07/2025 15:05

13 is plenty old enough to understand when you say NOT to do something that will damage an appliance! She IS in the wrong and I’d take away privileges till she’s acknowledged it and apologises. Tears indicate she’s well aware of what she’s done,

latetothefisting · 27/07/2025 15:29

cestlavielife · 26/07/2025 18:10

She 13
Have you never broke anything op?

Let it go

Of course the OP has probably broken things in her lifetime.
Are you really saying that when you break things belonging to other people, you just walk away and shrug?
OP's not asking her to fall on the floor and beg for forgiveness at her father's feet, just to apologise for something that was completely her fault.

shellster80 · 27/07/2025 15:38

I’d have gone batshit tbh if it was my son (14) and he would most certainly also be paying for the repairs. I wouldn’t force the apology as I too think it’s pointless if they don’t mean it, but they do need to learn accountability for their actions and that there are consequences so I would be hammering it home exactly how much this has inconvenienced the entire family just because they don’t bloody listen. Tbf mine would probably apologise once all had calmed down anyway, which would be much more meaningful as I’d know he really meant it once he’d had time to reflect.
Teens, aren't they infuriating! 🤣

Laura95167 · 27/07/2025 15:42

How is accountability usually treated in the house?

She absolutely should apologise.

But I think jumping to punishment will teach her to hide her fuck ups. I think you need to first sit her down and say, we tell you things for a reason. You didnt listen and as a result have broken something expensive.

You need to tell her why she needs to apologise and what for, and you need to ask her what she thinks her responsibility is in correcting this mistake.. I.e. some of dads chores to make up for the time hes had to spend, a pocket money deduction towards repairs...

Id have a convo with her in theres no shame in needing to apologise and why accountability is important or I think you could fix this issue and still avoid a bigger problem

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/07/2025 15:44

You could take her to a laundrette to help with the backlog until you get the new part fitted? That would be another consequence. Stubbornness is perseverance on a good day so it can be an admirable quality.

RedheadIreland · 27/07/2025 16:02

My dm managed to break the handle on my washing machine, she's amazing and lends a hand but somehow pulled too hard and broke it. We actually managed to open it and use it very well using spoon in the space it broke off from.maybe worth a try 😉

DevonDonnie · 27/07/2025 16:06

Haha my male lodger did this exact thing. Tried to force the door open as he’d forgotten to add something he needed washing. I did warn him not to also. He paid for the plumber and the parts to fix it but he wasn’t happy about it and no apology….

Sassybooklover · 27/07/2025 16:10

Yes, your daughter needs to apologise to her Dad. Actions have consequences. She was told not to try and open the door, which she ignored, forced the door and has broken it. She's 13, not a little child, and therefore has to learn to take responsibility for her actions. Of course she was involved, and her fault, the fact she's unwilling to accept she had any part in the incident is ridiculous!! Let her bawl her eyes out...leave her to calm down but then you need a conversation with her. Explain why it's her fault and why she needs to apologise to her Dad. If she still won't then, you need to punish her, not necessarily for what she did, but for the lack of responsibility towards her own actions.

Createausername1970 · 27/07/2025 16:12

Not listening is far more annoying than the actual broken washing machine in my book. My DS didn't listen at that age and is not much better 10 years older.

However, he has learnt from his mistakes so doesn't repeat the same things - just takes no notice of new things when we say "that won't work"

This happened yesterday, so hopefully DD has had time to reflect. I don't think the removal of the phone was vindictive. As you say, what suitable consequences can you impose? Sure she could take the washing to the launderette - but I have no clue where our local one is anymore.

asmallcelebrationontheinternet · 27/07/2025 16:18

verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 16:04

The money - fine.

Removing the phone - vindictive.

Often young people don't apologise because they panic then deny or get defensive to avoid feeling bad.

Give it time to calm down, give her space to reflect.

A lot of people demand performative apologies, but a genuine sorry two days later is worth more.

Show quote history

This with bells on.

You seem more focussed on controlling her than engaging with her.

JillMW · 27/07/2025 17:12

I am sure I am wrong as her dad seems to know what he is doing. But just in case, did she break a piece off the machine or did the machine just stop and refuse to let the washing out? I have done that on mine, I have to wait until the locking device finishes then set it to drain and spin and then wait for the normal unlock bell signalling door released. If she has broken a piece off the door, that has happened in our house, we super glued it back on, it worked for a few years until thd repair broke and we had to get a new door, it was relatively cheap, arrived next day and easy to fit

BernardButlersBra · 27/07/2025 17:44

She needs to accept responsibility, no one made her do it, she did it and despite being told not to. If her dad has spent time trying to unpick her mess then she should apologize -lm assuming he had other plans for the weekend. I think pay towards the part so she feels the actual consequence and phone being taken for the defiance / lying about it not being her.

BernardButlersBra · 27/07/2025 17:45

PS she should apologize for the not listening, the breaking of it and not taking responsibility. But forcing out a none apology doesn't feel worth it

JemimaTiggywinkles · 27/07/2025 18:38

This seems really harsh. At 13 she’s not going to know it’ll break - did you actually explain it to her? She’s too old for a “because I said so” when given an instruction. It is developmentally normal (and good tbh) that teenagers don’t just take their parents’ word for it every time.

She obviously felt bad, so hopefully she’ll apologise for the inconvenience she’s caused her dad but I definitely wouldn’t take her phone to force the issue. And there’s no way I’d require a 13yo to pay unless the damage was deliberate.

JRM17 · 27/07/2025 18:47

Id be mortified if I had to MAKE my 8yr old to apologise for this, he woukd know he had to apologise and he woukd know he was losing his ipad for a week for not listening.

kidshavefeelingstoo · 27/07/2025 19:15

notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 15:48

Dd put some washing in the machine earlier, tried to then open the door after we specifically said don't try because it won't open which of course it wouldn't as it it had already started - she used quite a bit of force - and it has now broken the machine. DH has spent all afternoon trying to fix it - l have told dd she needs to just say to her dad sorry if l broke the machine - but she is absolutely refusing and sitting crying because she won't acknowledge she had any part in this.

AIBU to expect a 13 year old to know when she needs to accept she has done wrong?

DH is annoyed because she didn't listen when we told her not to touch the machine but is really trying to fix it and hasn't had a go at her or anything like that - l just feel like she should acknowledge it.

Did you thank her for trying to help by putting the washing machine on in the first place? She’s obviously tried to do something good and it’s gone wrong! Happens to us all and I’m sure she didn’t break the machine on purpose! You know she already feels bad about it and she knows she’s made a mistake because she’s crying about it - why do you want her to feel worse?? Dad is the adult and can regulate his emotions- it’s just annoying for him - she’s a teenager which is a time when everything is blown into more than what it is I’m sure she feels more upset than him and if you want her to try to help around the house in future you need to acknowledge she was trying to help and be supportive not criticise when she makes a mistake

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/07/2025 19:33

Only on MN could someone completely ignore their parents , break something as a result and then the parent be told they should be thanking them for trying to help.

Zwellers · 27/07/2025 19:48

JemimaTiggywinkles.
Seriously. Of course it was deliberate. She deliberately tried to open the washing machine after been told not too.

Zwellers · 27/07/2025 19:49

kidshavefeelingstoo. That's pathetic.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 27/07/2025 19:51

kidshavefeelingstoo · 27/07/2025 19:15

Did you thank her for trying to help by putting the washing machine on in the first place? She’s obviously tried to do something good and it’s gone wrong! Happens to us all and I’m sure she didn’t break the machine on purpose! You know she already feels bad about it and she knows she’s made a mistake because she’s crying about it - why do you want her to feel worse?? Dad is the adult and can regulate his emotions- it’s just annoying for him - she’s a teenager which is a time when everything is blown into more than what it is I’m sure she feels more upset than him and if you want her to try to help around the house in future you need to acknowledge she was trying to help and be supportive not criticise when she makes a mistake

Show quote history

Need the laughing emoji! FFS! 🤦‍♀️

Cherrytree86 · 27/07/2025 20:26

latetothefisting · 27/07/2025 15:29

Of course the OP has probably broken things in her lifetime.
Are you really saying that when you break things belonging to other people, you just walk away and shrug?
OP's not asking her to fall on the floor and beg for forgiveness at her father's feet, just to apologise for something that was completely her fault.

Show quote history

@cestlavielife

yeah, can’t you just give her a cuddle and make her a hot chocolate, OP? @notanothersummercold

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/07/2025 20:54

I actually can't believe how many are saying the daughter shouldn't apologise or have repercussions for her actions. She was specifically told to not touch the machine and persisted, broke it and now her dad's spending all day fixing it, it probably won't get fixed and everyone is stuck until god knows when with no clean clothes. She needs to learn consequences and sitting crying and refusing to apologise to anyone is so childish. Actually even a younger child would apologise for not listening and breaking it. No wonder there's so many teens and kids turning out like poor adults who can't cope with life when they get older, parents constantly letting them off with everything and fixing life for them so they have little to no understanding of general consequences and repercussions

MyCoralHedgehog · 27/07/2025 21:48

She obviously didn’t do it in purpose! Just get it fixed, seems like she has already learned her lesson. She’s probably scared of being told off and thought she knew better by trying to open it