To not invite dsiblings to wedding

[Magana]

There are 5 of us.

Around Christmas time I had a fallen out with two of my siblings. Mainly because they never make effort with my kids and then the final straw was finding out they did a Christmas dinner and excluded only me and my family.

I recently gave birth to third DC. Since the birth neither dsiblings have bothered to see DC let alone drop a text to just ask if we were both okay after the C-section. DC is now 5 months and still no effort has been made to visit. They have literally never seen DC/photo.

My wedding is coming up next year and I've delayed handing out invites because I've been warned by other dsiblings and dmum that if I don't include them I will be starting a fire (even though I know they won't come as they already told dmum).

Aibu to not even invite them because of the lack of care they've shown towards me and my new dc? Why should I have to entertain them by sending out an invite even though they have already announced they aren't going to accept? I feel like a lot of our family dynamic is always put on me to keep the peace, at the expense of my feelings. Other dsibling has warned me if I don't invite them I will regret it ect. I'm more so inclined to, rather than invite them, use the invite on more of dp's family that have actually been present in our lives and shown care. My only worry is that majority of my wedding will be made up of dp's family and not my own, which may be a bit questionable to his family.

I'd like to know what others would do in my shoes?

Exactly.

@Magana @DuckbilledSplatterPuff is spot on.

You can never win. I agree grey rock saying invites go out 6 weeks before.

I expect this sums it up
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

The more you acquiesce to keep everyone happy the worse they behave because they get away with it.

So you send the invite by post, with RSVP by (date) and no apology. You haven't cut them off. They haven't told you to your face what they expect, so treat what you've heard as shit stirring.

If they don't reply to your invitation, don't chase them and if they turn up, there is no place for them at the reception. It's all on them to behave civilly, if they don't, you have nothing to reproach yourself for (or be reproached by anyone else). Keep behaving like an adult, regardless of the provocation ❤️

I feel like everyone who is saying to invite them, reach out, be the bigger person ect are forgetting they've already said they won't accept my invite!

So what is the point here? Put myself out there just to be shutdown? I am always the one to put an olive branch out there and try and reconcile. Quite frankly I've had enough of being the peace maker. They are showing no interest in making amends. They have not apologised or taken any accountability for what they had done to hurt my feelings. I don't see why I need to keep throwing my feelings on the sidelines for others

The point of sending the invite is to be the bigger person (or appear to be). Hopefully, they'll decline / ignore it / not respond by the RSVP date and that's that... you did your bit and DM and the other siblings request has been done, you invited them. If you've nothing to apologise for then you don't apologise. On the other hand, if you don't give a damn what your DM or other siblings may or may not do, stick to your guns and don't invite the two giving you trouble. The thing other pp are saying is that not inviting those two may result in your relationships with other family being sacrificed. DM may side with them. It's not fair, it's shit but that's the way some families are. Me personally, I would say to hell with it and not invite and anyone siding with them is not worth my energy but that's me.

We got engaged years ago still no5 married due to our families and no one will attend…we need two witnesses. We will are planning something alone now. All my siblings decided to stop speaking to me and I text one parent every2 months ago speak to other twice a week….none of this is my choice or because of me.

but in your case if some family do want to come and it’s just two siblings thry will try to ruin it so the rest of the family don’t attend I expect. That’s how things pan out. So based upon that I would invite them, you know they won’t come already so that’s fine, so that that way they cant say they haven’t been invited and stop other family, like parents, from attending. Does that make sense? If not send them an evening only invite but that will probably mean they use that against you.

sorry they haven’t see your baby. These things are heartbreaking. I’m in my 50s I finally bought my own home in my mid 40s with my dp after always having to rent . My mums never even seen our home as she won’t visit because of my siblings. I get upset daily x

We invited the sibling that we (and everyone else) didn’t speak to to be better people that them, also as an olive branch to repair the relationship if they wanted to - we got a polite email saying thank you for the invite but no, wished us well. This approach means it can never be thrown back at us

Then it sounds like you have made your decision.

To be honest, I think all this “Be the bigger person, take the moral high ground” business is overrated. What does it actually get you? To quote Niles from Frasier, “Funny how ‘The best revenge is living well’ doesn’t form any of the great opera plots”.

I would drop them a text for their postcode for invite. The fact that you are blocked means they won’t reply but you have said evidence for others lol. I know this is hard as I didn’t invite my mom and siblings to my son’s dedication. I’m believe in just having people there that value you and you them. Your wedding day is for you and your husband to be don’t let anyone spoil it xx

We didn't invite my DH's Dad or sister to our wedding in May. Had a huge falling out several years ago, around her behaviour towards me and our DD . No way was she or FIL welcome. We had the best day. Its your day , invite who you really want to be there. Any fallout is easily ignored as they are not part of your life anyway .

Your siblings sound almost identical to mine. Mine have also have made no effort with my children. As my parents paid for half of my wedding, I didn't have much choice but to invite mine and I really wish I hadn't. One sibling showed up, made no effort with me or extended family and it was a complete embarrassment. My biggest regret of the day is them being there and I'd have a far better time them not being there.

So in answer to your question, I wouldn't bother inviting them.

Don't bother inviting them OP.

Enjoy your special day. They've already shown you who they are imo.

You can't pick your family but you can definitely pick your friends 💯

I’d invite them- that way they can never throw it in your face that u didn’t ask them. Leave the invites with your mum or post them.

Invite them to the evening do only. Ok, to be serious, if you know they won’t come, invite them. If they actually reply yes, then you’ll be in a difficult situation (assuming you don’t actually want them there). Just sit them at the back of the room where you can’t see them.

Oh, and inviting them means set a trap to them regarding the wedding list. If they don’t buy a present, go NC. That way you will save a lot of time in the future worrying about how to deal with them.

Wow they sound really rude!
I would personally not bother. Even if you did send them one, sounds like they wouldn’t respond and/or pretend you never sent it.

So smart. 👏👏👏

There’s no way I’d be handing these people any sort of power over my wedding day in order to “be the bigger person”. Not the chance to reject me and my family again, not the opportunity to cast a shadow over my day if they say yes, not the chance to issue any sort of demands in exchange for attendance.
I’d be quite happy to just not deal with any of their shit and remain an average sized person. It’s a no from me 👎

You can choose your friends but not your family. They sound awful. Don’t invite them and get on with you life happy that they won’t be there and that the next time you need to interact will be at a funeral. It’s perfectly ok to divorce members of your family and life is too short to waste time thinking about people that aren’t spending anytime thinking about you.
Have a lovely day and I’m sure your partner’s family won’t even notice missing family members they don’t know.

OP if you want to fight fire with fire, tell your DM and other siblings that they’re right, it just wouldn’t feel right to get married with some of your family there but not all. So unless siblings unblock you and indicate they’d accept an invitation to the wedding then, with a heavy heart, you think it’ll be simpler to just have DH’s family and your friends there to avoid splitting your family.

See if that flips your family from pressuring you to be the one who apologises, extends an olive branch, etc etc over to nagging your other siblings to “be the bigger person”.

It does run the risk that your whole family will turn on you.

Invite them and have a table plan. Label the table plan with 'had to invite or they will start a fire' as their table name. Print and attach a screenshot of their message. Put a paper fire display as a centre piece for their table.

Then play Firestarter for your first dance

Or just don’t invite them.

I don't think they deserve a place at your wedding if they are not present in your life ... just get on with life without them you are anyway xx

I think you’re coming over as overly important like you’re a royal family member they have to kowto to. I suspect this attitude is possibly the reason they don’t visit but it is hurtful they didn’t ask after you even via text messages.

You don’t say how far away they live but if you’re not close (geographically or emotionally), no I wouldn’t expect them to travel to visit you and the baby. It seems like you’re being a bit petty in potentially not inviting them to an event they’d quite like to attend?

Unless you expect their attendance to ruin your wedding in some way, I’d just suck it up and invite them as if you don’t, all the family drama will overshadow the ceremony anyway.

edit: I’ve just seen your subsequent posts that they blocked you. If they don’t want anything to do with you, I don’t understand why not inviting them would cause a problem? I find it very confusing. If they’ve blocked you sounds like there’s a whole lot of backstory here (apologies if I’ve missed posts in between).

Only invite people you actually like and want at your wedding. I’m sorry you have such horrible siblings and hopefully you’re marrying into a saner family!

It seems like you’re being a bit petty in potentially not inviting them to an event they’d quite like to attend?

Then why have they already said they won’t go even if invited?