To not invite dsiblings to wedding

[Magana]

There are 5 of us.

Around Christmas time I had a fallen out with two of my siblings. Mainly because they never make effort with my kids and then the final straw was finding out they did a Christmas dinner and excluded only me and my family.

I recently gave birth to third DC. Since the birth neither dsiblings have bothered to see DC let alone drop a text to just ask if we were both okay after the C-section. DC is now 5 months and still no effort has been made to visit. They have literally never seen DC/photo.

My wedding is coming up next year and I've delayed handing out invites because I've been warned by other dsiblings and dmum that if I don't include them I will be starting a fire (even though I know they won't come as they already told dmum).

Aibu to not even invite them because of the lack of care they've shown towards me and my new dc? Why should I have to entertain them by sending out an invite even though they have already announced they aren't going to accept? I feel like a lot of our family dynamic is always put on me to keep the peace, at the expense of my feelings. Other dsibling has warned me if I don't invite them I will regret it ect. I'm more so inclined to, rather than invite them, use the invite on more of dp's family that have actually been present in our lives and shown care. My only worry is that majority of my wedding will be made up of dp's family and not my own, which may be a bit questionable to his family.

I'd like to know what others would do in my shoes?

I don’t think a wedding is the time to
make peace.

It’s not until next year. You have another Christmas to get through first! If you happen to reconcile before the wedding, I’m sure you can rejig things to include them. There will be people who accept now, who can’t come next year due to very valid reasons.

The people you invite to your wedding should be people you and your partner both love and who make you happier for having in your lives. If that’s not your siblings… leave them off. If things change… you’ll fit them in.

For now, though, I don’t see why you should invite them.

Feels like they want an invite so they can knock it back and maintain the power. Don't give them the satisfaction of being able to keep you waiting on their response. Bet they wouldn't RSVP anyway.

Dont invite them, stand your ground.

Nope!!! I’d definitely not waste an invitation on them. Why should you be the bigger person? If they weren’t related it wouldn’t even be a question.

I didn’t invite my “dad” or aunties on that side to my wedding. Just my gran (his mum” and one cousin. Didn’t invite my “dads” kids either.

It your wedding, a happy day. Why would you invite people who will cause upset

The siblings and the rest of your family are enjoying the drama of all this, watching every back and forth episode unfold. I predict this will be a focus for all of them and it will run and run... "Well I will attend if .... "Unless she does xyz I won't attend." with your DM or whoever constantly leaning on you to run after them, giving in to their demands "Why can't my DC be a page boy/Bridesmaid?" (even if you've organised adult brides maids.}" "Why can't I come to the hen. Why can't I bring a friend to the Hen as I won't know anyone there?" Why haven't I been invited to the rehearsal dinner? Why won't you pay for me to have my hair and make up done... you're paying for the bridesmaids?
Don't be pressed into agreeing to things, just say "I give you an answer ATM. I'll talk to DH to be"

As other's have said tell the parentals etc.. that invitations go out six weeks before the event.. and say no more. Do not engage in anything but the very vaguest of wedding discussions with any of them. The correct answer is "We are still looking into that, or Its too far ahead to think about it. The venue? It will probably be less than an hour's drive. Not confirmed yet."
And don't discuss the siblings... there's a shit stirrer in amongst this lot who is enjoying every minute and wants to run back and forth between the two sides.
Been there. Done that. I was almost ready to elope with some of the demands and drama that went on.

After all, how much fuss did the rest of them make with the siblings about ignoring the birth of your youngest, standing up your DC and excluding you at Christmas? The Excluders want the attention to be on them. They want you pressurised into running after them, begging them to change their minds. I guarantee if you did.. they would find some reason to flip flop and keep you on tenterhooks right up to the day. "I'm not coming unless I can bring my own inlaws/the girl I've been dating for two weeks/ lodger"

As pp said.. just keep repeating the phrase invitations go out six weeks before hand and I'm not thinking about it now. I'm not sure if its better to just say.. well they've blocked me so I'm not inviting them.. or decide nearer the time to send them the card six weeks before (and retain the higher ground) and tell anyone who asks it's entirely up to them what they do, and don't expect them to show. (unless you are worried they will make a scene in which case just don't invite - only you know what the risk level is)

With people like this, even if you placate them, they still won't be happy. So do what suits you. It's your life.

Ultimately, its your day, and you want supportive people who love you there, but would probably settle for relatives who just behave themselves on the day. If they don't qualify or want to qualify - that is entirely their loss. I bet you didn't behave like this at their weddings/special occasions. Your life is moving on, you have your new DH, and your own three DCs to focus on and already have an extended family. The few people who don't want to be in that group don't matter.

If you’re paying just invite those you want there.

The tattle thread about Mumsnet will be laughing their heads off and rightly so about the dsiblings, it's like a parody 😁

Are you inviting everyone to your wedding by WhatsApp? Can you not invite them by post? I would so as to have the higher moral ground (and to piss them off lol).

Maybe so, but I laugh at all those on mumsnet using such archaic references that everyone has to be dearxxx 🤢

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff they literally did exactly that! How did you know? Both siblings have set conditions saying they will only accept my invite if it comes with a proper apology or acknowledgement that I upset them .... Which is ridiculous given the fact that it all started with something THEY did

@Magana Similar relatives I think.

They are going to spin this out.. It is great attention for them at family gatherings.
Your rels sound like people who actually enjoy the drama of a good feud.
I don't really know what to suggest in how to deal with people like this since they are not reasonable normal people.
If it wasn't one thing you did it will be another.
They already tried to start a feud by ignoring the birth of your 3rd child. They really wanted you to notice, so they could illustrate that they were displeased with you.
If another relative dies they will start a feud with someone regarding the funeral.

I bet the rest of the family are saying things to you like "Oh I'm keeping out of it" (whilst avidly listening to the latest installment), these might be people you'd expect to stand up for you, as you haven't done anything wrong.. but they are still on good terms with the Feuders because they don't want The Feuders to turn on them.

Sounds like Feuders (having made a big statement by blocking you) have already enlisted one of your relatives to carry messages/pressurise you so they can keep tabs via the messenger on how well their treatment is working. Don't confide in the messenger, they may seem sympathetic but any comment you make will go straight back to the Feuders and it will roll on.

I don't really know what to suggest in how to deal with people like this since they are not reasonable normal people.

You say you feel sad for your DD because she likes her cousins - and they rely on that, family obligations, but they don't even think like that themselves.. they just want to demonstrate that they have power within the family. They don't think about how much stress or upset it causes or the fact that you would just like your family to come and enjoy your wedding and be happy for you. Which really is a bare minimum.

I think you have to say to yourself do I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with this crap. ? Would I allow a friend or a colleague to treat me like this?

Sounds like you have a good excuse to send them a wedding invitation but don't apologise and then (hopefully) they won't come.

Or you could invite them as a olive branch

Time to break out the poor poetry

I'm sorry you feel that way!
Your not invited to my special day!
You shouldn't have behaved that way!
Sucks to be you I say!

Etc etc

Put it this way, if you don't invite them there will be no hope for a relationship ih the future

It’s your wedding and you should have whoever you want there. But you need to consider the consequences-

Parents and other siblings are likely to get involved and may take a side.
it will create stress and negativity around your wedding
it will probably write off any chance of a future relationship with them

if it was me I would token invite to keep peace and if I hadn’t had a response by RSVP date write them off.

Well if you invite and they don’t respond they might still turn up.
I tried to persuade a stroppy family member to come to DS’s wedding -they had a face like a slapped arse the whole day wished I hadn’t bothered. And it was just another issue to deal with leading up.

If two siblings aren’t talking to you then this post needs context as to what happened. I have fallen out with one sibling before but if all of them weren’t speaking to me I would be doing some reflection as to why

Nope. Say firmly to your parents and other siblings don’t you dare blame me instead of the sibling who’s blocked me. I’m the only one who ever tried in that relationship and I’m done. They’d have to unblock me AND take my dc on a nice day out before the invited go out to get one. And don’t even think of telling people there are two sides blah blah blah I will simply say I haven’t invited anyone who’s blocked me as a contact, for very obvious reasons, and everyone who’s not you will go of course, that’s fair.

You say that like it’s a bad thing…

Invite the siblings you like and don’t invite the ones you don’t like. Also why put ‘d’ before siblings? It’s only DD, DH etc to make shorter acronyms.

I wouldn't invite them. Save the cost of a couple of stamps at least. If by chance you are reconciled, you can invite them later.

No if they haven’t been active in your families life, why would you invite them? We certainly won’t be inviting DH siblings in our DS’ weddings when the time comes, 100% comfortable with that decision.

Totally this.
That said, I wouldn't invite anyone who I had any sort of ongoing conflict with - weddings can be stressful and emotional without inviting folk who you're already bickering with.

just try and initiate some form of meet up
life is too short op
reach out to them

Whilst you're totally in the right, I would invite them.
Your wedding is your special day and trust me, the fallout will ruin it for you. Don't let your wedding be the thing you use to make a point, because all of the run up and post wedding will be about them, it will taint your day. Invite them and you can forget them, concentrate on your and your DP and cut them out later. If they're saying they won't come then it's win win anyway....invite them, give them a short deadline to say yes (as in not rsvp by....say acceptances by....) so if they just ignore it they can't later claim you didn't wait for their response. Then you've got the moral high ground. If they come, just say pleasantries then move on to speak to others