Don't want to go out to dinner with this family member.

[Poodlelove]

They have 2 teenagers who have always sat at the table on their phones.
The mum orders for them as they can't keep their eyes off their phones.
They don't eat all of their main meal but both parents then ask them if they want dessert , and they always mumble " yes".
Then the mother asks them what they want and they don't look at the menu , she reads the menu to them.
They get asked if they want another drink so they quickly drink up their current drink and order another.
To me going out for a meal is a treat but to them it's a weekly thing.I cannot justify spending so much money on a meal , we decide if we are going to have a starter or a dessert , I know it sounds like we are tight but really we don't earn enough to budget for this unless it is for a special occasion.
This family are coming to visit again soon and have invited other people too.Everone is apparently looking forward to it , where as I am working all day ( minimum wage) and dreading it.
Am I being unreasonable?

How long ago was it that they last visited?
Do they stay with you?
If you don’t want to go out to eat why not suggest either ordering a takeaway or cooking something instead?

do you share the bill?
can you just suggest you pay for yourself and dont pay any attention to the teens

If you don't think you'll enjoy going out for a meal with them, don't go. You can tell them why or make an excuse, finances are tight this month for example. Up to you!

Are they staying with you ? If not maybe invite them..for coffee and just miss dinner be busy. They sound like one of my family members whos teenagers are like this, i find the whole ordering and no communication odd.

If it were me and I didn’t want to attend, I would come down with a last minute tummy bug.

You appreciate and value going out, and spend your money very carefully so you don't waste the expensive food, finish your plate etc. The thing you don't seem to like is that they (their teens) don't see it that way.

You're cross because you think they should consider going out as you do, as a treat. But they don't- they've got more money than you presumably and they can go out whenever, they won't make a big deal of it or take particular care over it.

I can see why it's a shame for you to be reminded of this, and how it must grate on you. But this is a you problem, they're perfectly entitled to enjoy their meal however they want, order two drinks, leave part of their first course then get dessert. I think it is unfair you judging them and tutting.

'Sorry I/we can't make it this time'
'No, sorry, we can't make that date either'

Repeat as required.

Teenagers on phones doesn't bother me as it means I don't have to chat to other people's kids.

But if I don't want to go somewhere I don't. Simple.

This is what I thought! I wouldn’t let my own do it but sounds like they don’t actually disrupt the experience for others.

But if you don’t fancy it or can’t afford it, then definitely decline.

‘Great, let’s get separate bills now that the group is growing’

Are you paying for it all? Because your comments about the teens ordering extra drinks, desserts when they haven’t finished etc only really make sense if you’re paying. That being the case I’d suggest that you haven’t really got the cash to treat everybody and perhaps invite them to yours for a BBQ or something? Or just ask if you can split the bill?

If you’re not paying and it’s purely that the teens irritate you…they probably hate the family gathering too but don’t have a choice about going. Have your tried talking to them about something that interests them?
or…sit at the other end of the table and ignore.

Just say sorry, you can’t make it.

Just don’t go.

And a separate restaurant 🤣🤣

Just politely decline.

This. People on here always suggest lying, why? Just be honest. It's not relaxing or enjoyable for you, so just say "no thank you".

I felt inspired this week and went for a “sorry I’m not going to be able to make that work” rather than lying and it was…fine!!

Exactly! Plus, it's actually quite liberating!

Well done, I think the lying is people pleasing isn't it ? We don"t want others to.be upset or "cause a fuss" saying no i won't manage is liberating.

Yes, you're right, it's people pleasing, but it never solves the problem, does it?
"I've got an upset stomach"
"We'll do it next week when you're better"....

Better to say no than lie and still get roped into something you don't want to go to at a later date.

I can understand your feelings. If u are on a tight budget eating out should be a pleasure. To think you could spend a week's food money on it and yet not enjoy the experience is galling. Im.in the camp of eating out is a treat not a weekly occurrence. We can' t make it this time is what I'd say. Phones at tables is one of my pet hates.

It is just goes round and round doesn't it? I volunteered for years and on the training part of the course was a module on assertiveness it was great and really taught me how to say no or that doesn't work for me, i passed it on to my.Dds who were teenagers at the time and they are also able to say no.

i would t sit at a table with two ignorant teenagers. Neither would anyone in my family.

Phones are put away and only used if an emergency call is received.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour and the parents should give them the option not to come so they can enjoy the family meal and the teenagers can sit at home being brainless dimwits.

I think that's a very valuable lesson, particularly for girls, who are socialised to be people pleasers. Learning to be assertive for your own benefit, without being rude, is an essential skill!