Don't want to go out to dinner with this family member.

[Poodlelove]

They have 2 teenagers who have always sat at the table on their phones.
The mum orders for them as they can't keep their eyes off their phones.
They don't eat all of their main meal but both parents then ask them if they want dessert , and they always mumble " yes".
Then the mother asks them what they want and they don't look at the menu , she reads the menu to them.
They get asked if they want another drink so they quickly drink up their current drink and order another.
To me going out for a meal is a treat but to them it's a weekly thing.I cannot justify spending so much money on a meal , we decide if we are going to have a starter or a dessert , I know it sounds like we are tight but really we don't earn enough to budget for this unless it is for a special occasion.
This family are coming to visit again soon and have invited other people too.Everone is apparently looking forward to it , where as I am working all day ( minimum wage) and dreading it.
Am I being unreasonable?

The reason is she’s insufferable! 😅

they may not. I actually like my sibs but they have no idea of my income nor I of theirs.

Just say:
I’m going to have to skip this one. I won’t be able to make it, but I hope everyone has a great time! Let’s catch up soon in another way/for coffee/for a walk etc
No excuses, no mention of differing finances, no mention of surly teens, just a sorry can’t make it let’s reschedule.

Oh dear! Tricky to phrase 😂

" I know it sounds like we are tight "

It certainly doesn't

I'm assuming you're not paying for them? They sound annoying and definitely not the type of guests I'd choose the have dinner with. Having said that, I'd probably just go anyway, so long as all it's costing me is a night out? But if they bother you so much then do as pps have already mentioned and come up with an excuse not to go.

It isn't the money and the spending that is the issue it's the complete lack of good manners. I can only assume these teenagers must have learning difficulties if their mother is reading the menu to them.

Make it clear you’ll only pay for what you eat/drink. Or suggest a take away and do the same, or a pot luck buffet.

I detest food and drink waste, and that’s irrelevant of how much it costs or how affordable it is. I certainly wouldn’t be paying for food and drink others thoughtlessly ordered that they really didn’t need.

I've never invited people for a meal then monitored what their teens were or were not eating or ordering. If they're on their phones then fine. Surely you've got adult conversation you'd rather be having than trying to engage unwilling teens in pointless chit chat.

I don't really see how it could negatively affect you in any meaningful way. If they were overly talkative, rude, ordered loads of food and ate messily, wouldn't let you and your friends chat properly, tried to drink alcohol etc that could be annoying too if you let it. So sitting on phones and grunting isn't really an issue for me.

They're not your kids and they just don't want to be there. Not that unusual for teens.

Soon enough they'll probably stop being dragged along to such things and you needn't concern yourself anymore.

Dear family member,
I can’t afford to go out for a meal very often so when I do, I don’t want to have it ruined by rude children like yours. Hope you have fun.
Love,
OP

I'm struggling to understand what your issue is @Poodlelove is it because you can't afford to go for a meal? Is it just the poor (agree poor behaviour and parenting) of the teens) or is it because the cost of the meal is shared and not divided based on who ate/drank what which then costs you more to eat out?

I'm just really struggling to understand how them having a pudding affects you personally unless it's to do with how the bill is then split?

I can’t see anything here I can get my knickers in a twist about. I’m the parent of a 14y old boy and does he sometimes go on his phone if we’re out with family to eat? Yes sometimes because sometimes the adults are chatting about stuff which he has no interest in and cannot join in with. Is he rude and ignores people when spoken to? No. Would I read the menu to him? Absolutely not, but these aren’t your kids so not your issue. Not your circus and all that…..
Unless as others have said you are all splitting the bill? In which case I’d just say sorry but we’re on a budget so will need to just pay for our own. You can still enjoy the rest of the adults company surely? It sounds like you just don’t like the teens very much tbh…..which I get, they can be hard work. But on the other hand they’re quiet so not bothering anyone..

What's the actual issue, teenagers being allowed to be antisocial dicks staring at their phones whilst with family and friends?

So tell them that's the reason. There's absolutely no reason for anyone to be gawping at a phone during any meal.

They can learn to have actual conversations.

Well the adults are being poor company if they're unable to include a 14yo in conversations. Also the 14 yo is allowed to be a bit bored.

What on earth did teenagers do during family meals before they got given a get out free jail card to stare mindlessly at a phone ...?We used to talk to people... Perhaps play silly paper games etc.

But at no point would we be allowed to opt out of the company/chatting/socialising etc

YANBU. Can you just say money is tight right now so you can’t eat out?

And don’t get sucked into hosting either.

I’m not sure what the main issue is. Kids on their phones? I wouldn’t tolerate that, they can join in the conversation. I recently took 40 kids abroad, nobody was allowed on their phone at table, I asked them to put them away and actually speak to one another. Took 100+ kids camping last month and school policy is no phones on that trip. They all survived.

Is it the financial output because you don’t enjoy the meals out? Just say no.

Are they staying with you? They can go without you, you just don’t want to go. It’s quite easy.

Just pay for your own food. Make it clear from the start you will not be involved in bill splitting

Completely ignore the rude behaviour of the teens.

Engage with the other adults at the table but if the parents can't be bothered actually parenting and pulling their kids up and enable their lack of manners, then tune it out.

Please tell me the family of four pay for their own meals and don’t expect you to go halves on the whole bill? If they do shame on them!!! I just wouldn’t go

This. Why are you so bothered about their teenagers behaviour? I can't see that it's really anything to do with you tbh (unless you are paying for their meals of course).

Are you paying for them? Is that the problem?
Otherwise, just leave them to it, it doesn't impact you.

I can’t believe all the people who can’t see the problem. Letting teens behave like that is unbelievably bad parenting and is doing them absolutely no favours. It would drive me mad too.

I can’t see how this affects you unless you’re splitting the bill. Just give the teens the same amount of attention they give you and enjoy catching up with your friends.

It’s more that I don’t see the OPs problem; either go or don’t go, it’s not a complex scenario. Personally I find it difficult to believe that these teens are so immersed in their phones that they’re incapable of reading the menu and require their mother to read it to them.

I just think don't go, if you want to see them on their visit, suggest something else (invite them round, go for a walk, meet for a coffee). They're not forcing you to go, you've (it sounds like) never suggested you dislike these meals, so they're assuming you're having fun and they want to see you, so they invite you.
They're entitled to parent how they want, and their kids are entitled to eat how they want. It's perfectly OK to leave some main and have a pudding, I do that most of the time as i find portions too large but still have a sweet tooth, I don't mind my kids doing that, it's not a heinous crime and i would rather they enjoy what they do eat and learn to listen to their gut when theyre full, rather than force down chips or burgers to ensure they get the "reward" of a pudding.

However, if you don't want to be around that, or disagree, that's absolutely your choice and you are entitled to your opinion - and if you're splitting the bill then I can see why it would be frustrating, especially if you're all in different financial positions. So don't go. It really is sad people seek to hear "you're right those people are awful" rather than just going "that situation isn't for me thanks, I'll decline on this occasion" you don't need a reason or an excuse or validation that you're right, you can do whatever you like (within the law) and you don't want to do this - so don't.