Don't want to go out to dinner with this family member.

[Poodlelove]

They have 2 teenagers who have always sat at the table on their phones.
The mum orders for them as they can't keep their eyes off their phones.
They don't eat all of their main meal but both parents then ask them if they want dessert , and they always mumble " yes".
Then the mother asks them what they want and they don't look at the menu , she reads the menu to them.
They get asked if they want another drink so they quickly drink up their current drink and order another.
To me going out for a meal is a treat but to them it's a weekly thing.I cannot justify spending so much money on a meal , we decide if we are going to have a starter or a dessert , I know it sounds like we are tight but really we don't earn enough to budget for this unless it is for a special occasion.
This family are coming to visit again soon and have invited other people too.Everone is apparently looking forward to it , where as I am working all day ( minimum wage) and dreading it.
Am I being unreasonable?

They're family, they know you're not a high earner.

Just say sorry, you'd love to come but you can't afford to.

Why would she say that she'd love to come? She wouldn't.

Just organise upfront for separate bills so you are not contributing towards the teens? Problem solved.

Pick somewhere you order from the table with your phone. Then you just order your own.

I don’t get this. Concentrate on yourself and your own meal. What they order or don’t order is no skin of your nose. Plus I can’t get worked up by teens on their phones.

If the whole thing bothers you that much then politely decline.

This actually wouldn’t bother me, at least I could converse with the adults. I’d probably privately think it’s a shame they are so addicted to their phones and judge it a bit but then I’d get on with my meal and enjoy the company.

Just message saying, sorry I can't make it. I'm not sure why you're mad that they don't see meals as a treat like you do?! They obviously have more money. It's fine to refuse due to finances.

If you don't feel like going out there's nothing at all wrong with just saying "Sorry, I don't feel like going out" and to make it long term, just add "these days".

There's no need to lie (or to add "because your teenagers are rude zombies who put me off my food, which I can't really afford anyway").

I'm assuming that they just split the bill equally between everyone (apart from the teens), so OP will end up subsidising this family, having ordered much less herself due to finances.

What exactly is the issue? You can't afford it? You don't like that they can? You don't like the teens on their phone? You don't like how they parent?

If you can be clear on the issue then we can help.

I can’t figure out what your problem is here. If you can’t afford to eat out then decline the invite. I don’t understand what their teens have to do with you going to a meal with their parents and why you spent the majority of the post judging how and what they order. What does it matter to you? Are you paying for it? Can you articulate the actual problem?

That mother is doing them no favours. I’m a bit subversive so I would go to the meal and be the irritating aunty and keep asking them questions and interrupting their phone use. I’d definitely take the piss a bit “oh come on Sue, they can read the menu themselves, they’re not surgically attached to those phones… are they?”

Why would she say that she'd love to come? She wouldn't.

To keep the peace? This is family, not a friend who you can just stop being friends with.

She could just say, I don't want to. But she's come on here to get advice because she's not comfortable being blunt...

I honestly don’t see the problem here. If you want to go out with them then go, and if you don’t then don’t.

I am not sure what the issue is. You sound a little jealous that they eat out regularly and the teens are allowed to pick and choose what they eat.
As others have said unless you are paying for them, this really isn't your issue. I am guessing the teens are at an age where they don't really want to be dragged along for a family meal and find it boring, hence being allowed their phones.
I am guessing you don't see these family members much hence them wanting to arrange to meet up, but if you aren't fussed about seeing them then just say you can't make it and be grateful other family or friends are attending this time so shouldn't be an issue if you don't go.

You haven't clarified who pays. If you aren't paying for the teenagers and they aren't disturbing you by being quiet on the phones, I'd stop thinking about it. If you aren't looking forward to the meal or can't afford it, maybe you should say you don't want to go?

She doesn't need to be rude. Or even blunt.
Just not lie!
"I can't come because it's just too expensive for me at the moment, sorry"
"I don't really feel comfortable with the teens on their phones all the time, it would be nice if it was a more sociable evening, could we meet up without them?"
Or some such.

Me too. I hate it!

I think I'd generate a last minute tummy bug/bad back/migraine if I was really that unkeen to go.

OR - hear me out - say "No, I think I'll skip it this time."

As much as I would love to do this so often, I think it could come across as a bit rude to say the least.

EG annoying cousin: “Hey, fancy catching up over dinner?”
Me: “No thank you.”

😆

What's the reason though?
Mostly you'd just put up with minor issues, go along and enjoy the meal. No problem. However, if someone really doesn't want to do something, there's obviously a problem.

my experience is that if they are going to take offence they will however you phrase it. If you are never going to want to go then "no thanks" is perfectly polite

Don’t go, it sounds like it’s expensive for you and you don’t enjoy it, it certainly doesn’t bring you closer to the friends! I wouldn’t enjoy it either because it’s bad parenting and entitled kids ( not for taking a meal out for granted, but for expecting so much of the parents! None of mine are teens and if they expected me to read the desserts to them I’d say clearly you don’t want dessert that much, ok let’s order for the ones who do. Except my 3yo, who can’t read, I think it’s reasonable I help her choose.)

what will you do next time?