To be frustrated we’ve come all this way for his daughter just to cancel

[Ghrale]

I have been with my partner for 5 years, we have a very good relationship. He is Russian, he has 2 children, a son and a daughter who are 24 and 26. His daughter lives in Lisbon with her boyfriend, his son lives in Moscow, we live in London.

We don’t see his children very much, he goes to see his son about once a year but I don’t feel comfortable visiting Russia so haven’t gone with him (first it was Covid now it’s the war and travel difficulties). He hasn’t seen his daughter since 2022, when she visited London and spent exactly one hour with him.

Now I don’t know if it’s cultural or if they just aren’t close but he seems to be unworried about it and I’m not going to push, he messages them both often.

Any way this year we planed our family holiday around his daughter, so are spending this week in Lisbon, we told her the dates 9 months ago, she said she would be around and could meet for dinner. We were meant to be seeing her tonight but she’s cancelled, saying something has come up, we have asked to reschedule for tomorrow or Sunday as we come home on Monday but she has said she can’t as she is flying to Rome to see friends tomorrow afternoon.

Realistically we wouldn’t have come to Lisbon if it weren’t for his daughter, lovely city but we tend ti prefer more rural holidays. He still sends her money every month and he seems genuinely hurt that she isn’t making any effort to see him.

She seems to avoid us and we don’t know why, like last year she went home to Moscow for a week but when my partner said he would go too she lied and said she had changed her mind but then her brother told him afterwords that she had come home.

My partner claims he doesn’t know why she is doing this and that they were close and they still message often.

AIBU to be really frustrated about this? I wouldn’t mind if she had just told us she didn’t want to see us but we have come all this way, gave her plenty of notice and now she cancels?

IMO I think it’s best if OP keeps out of it. There may be something in his past which he may not be permitted by the Russian state reveal and if he does then he puts them and himself at risk.

His daughter may know and does not want to be seen with him because that puts her at risk.

Neither her and her father can talk about this but project a facade of a relationship to avoid any revelation.

OP has been with him for five years and he hasn’t will not or cannot reveal this secret which may have something to do with daughters mother.

Perhaps he insisted on the visit not picking up on cues that she wasn’t enthusiastic?

Divorce damages children. Exs tend to poison children and she sounds like a poisoned child, considering he's going out of his way sending money to a 24 year old... 😵‍💫 she's no feelings for him but is too cowardly, or hasn't even thought about it enough, to communicate her negativity to her father in a civilised manner. Whatever it is, it's very kind of you to feel for him. If he's wise he'll eventually realise you can't force a relationship that doesn't exist, or ever did. It's harsh but most people live in realities that don't exist rater than repare the reality they got themselves into. Good luck to you both though.

It's clearly completely unacceptable of her. She had an opportunity in the last 9 months to say "I rather not" and didn't. She obviously doesn't think the same way of him than he thinks of her, for whatever reason and however hurtful that may be.

I’d be more concerned with his views on the Russia/ Ukraine war tbh and his son currently living in Moscow? Oligarch?

I think he'll just have to have an honest conversation with her and try to repair whatever hurts she reveals.

They certainly don’t sound close. Do you have any evidence at all that they are close? That they message all the time? Or that she messages?

Well, she’s happy taking his money ?

This is the kind of thing my sibling used to do to our father. He had done nothing wrong: my sibling was just a vile individual who got off on power plays like this while still happily taking his money.

I think it’s her that doesn’t want a relationship, he’s making all the effort and she’s doing nothing but making excuses not to spend time with him and he’s still giving her money every month. If he wants to spend time with her then stop the money, I think she’ll be breaking his door down in no time.

Given that he last saw her in 2022 when she came to the UK, doesn’t sound like he is that bothered about seeing her so she probably has the same attitude towards him. Sounds like he has been a crap parent tbh.

There is unresolved trauma between them. Might be Childhood Emotional Neglect. Look it up. And if he’s not acknowledged any problems there may have been in the family she’s unlikely to move on and seeing him might bring unpleasant memories and be triggering. Or she finds it hard that he moved on with you and it’s the ‘step mum’ thing even though you’re clearly not a step mum in that sense. It’s down to him though but clearly this has impacted you. It’s clear you shouldn’t arrange anything around her. Keep it simple let him go to see her or visa versa. He needs to acknowledge a bridge needs building first. Or she’ll continue to show, what I’d describe as, contempt. We all make mistakes as parents. None of us is perfect, but you can do repair work. But it needs to start with him taking responsibility. Children do not behave like this for no reason.

Agree; it's possible she's a bit of a selfish princess.

Then don't take money off him? She's 26 years old, not a child. I would never take money off someone I essentially wanted to cut off.

You have been with a Russian man for 5 years, through the start of the war and don't know his thoughts on Putin?

You also do not know why his relationship with his own children is so distant.

You really don't know some quite important things about him after 5 years. Is he paying them money out of perceived cultural duty or to ease his conscience because he was otherwise never there for them - they'll take the money as they feel he owes them but are also not really interested in his too little too late contact if it inconveniences them.

He knows why his relationship with them is like it is, he just doesn't want to admit it to you. I see the same with my brother, he tries to have contact with my adult niece (who I am close to) by showering her with money/gifts, but he will never heal the thousands of tiny emotional wounds he inflicted by never being a father presence when she needed him as a child and growing up. She takes the gifts as she feels awkward saying no, but they will never change the emotional distance and her deep rooted feelings towards him.

You keep saying “ we offered” arrangements should have been between him and his daughter. Tbh I don’t imagine many young women would want to meet an absent father’s girlfriend and her family.

I agree with the comments regarding a back story and she's obviously punishing him, however she's still happy to take his money, so perhaps she's not that principled. Obviously keeping the phone messaging going so the money keeps coming but not prepared to meetup in person.

Something very odd with this story.
My first thought was that perhaps he doesn’t really have children and it’s all some kind of a love scam.

I can imagine doing something like this.

I have quite bad social anxiety. I'm fine in my every day life, I work in an office, I have kids and a partner but any plans out of the ordinary get me in a spin. I can make plans in the future, think I'm fine about it but as the reality comes closer and closer it's like a black cloud and then I'll find a reason to bail and the relief is incredible. It's not malicious. In a weird way having plans to meet people is comforting, makes me feel normal and functioning as I hate not being able to deal with social situations that are out of my comfort zone.

May be his daughter is happy with just texting and keeping in touch with her dad that way. And as you believe, in the grand scheme of thing he seems fine with knowing she's happy even if he's not part of her life.

I'm not say if it wasn't wrong for her to make the plans and cancel but it might not have been done maliciously.

It does sound as though there are some very big black holes in your relationship with her dad though, talkig about fundamental things like politics and the war in Ukraine. Also around his relationship with his chikdren/their mother.

You keep using ‘we’ about you and your DP, but this is about him and his DC. You don’t know his DC. Would park what’s happened on the Lisbon meet up and stay out of it, other than a reasonable amount of time listening to DP.

It would have been better to plan a holiday to suit you and your DC.

The decision for you was whether you wanted to date a man with a low contact relationship with his young adult DC, without information on the past and current situation other than his version. Many wouldn’t.

Most likely explanation seems that he wasn’t and still isn’t a great father.

“He hasn’t seen his daughter since 2022, when she visited London and spent exactly one hour with him”

These kind of parents make my blood literally boil. That’s a very long time to go without seeing your child, even a grown up child. And she had to make the effort to see him. He’s clearly and absolutely shit Dad. No wonder she doesn’t want to see him. Then, he decides to ‘build his holiday’ around her. He probably wanted the red carpet rolled out for himself as well. I know these type of parents, my Dad was one. I am sure he is all ‘woe is me’ about her not wanting to see him as well.

It’s so he can tell everyone, and himself, that he is a caring father. It’s low effort and makes him look good

Sounds like he hasn’t been a great father to his kids and now it’s pay back and you are blaming the wrong person and unfortunately you can’t see that!

@Ghrale
You are certainly not unreasonable to be frustrated with the situation where you have travelled to a destination you would not have otherwise have travelled to, to be cancelled at the last minute by the person you were going to visit. Perhaps it wasn’t wise to have gone there as a family in the first place? I don’t know. But you aren’t going to find the reason for the daughter’s apathy towards her dad on MN, everyone will post from their own bias. I guess it’s up to your partner to follow up with his DD, and maybe arrange any future meet ups just between him and his daughter rather than you and your DC being put in a similar situation again.

Russia has been at war since 2022, though, so that does complicate things somewhat...!

Edited to add: depending on his age, he might get called up to fight 😕