To be frustrated we’ve come all this way for his daughter just to cancel

[Ghrale]

I have been with my partner for 5 years, we have a very good relationship. He is Russian, he has 2 children, a son and a daughter who are 24 and 26. His daughter lives in Lisbon with her boyfriend, his son lives in Moscow, we live in London.

We don’t see his children very much, he goes to see his son about once a year but I don’t feel comfortable visiting Russia so haven’t gone with him (first it was Covid now it’s the war and travel difficulties). He hasn’t seen his daughter since 2022, when she visited London and spent exactly one hour with him.

Now I don’t know if it’s cultural or if they just aren’t close but he seems to be unworried about it and I’m not going to push, he messages them both often.

Any way this year we planed our family holiday around his daughter, so are spending this week in Lisbon, we told her the dates 9 months ago, she said she would be around and could meet for dinner. We were meant to be seeing her tonight but she’s cancelled, saying something has come up, we have asked to reschedule for tomorrow or Sunday as we come home on Monday but she has said she can’t as she is flying to Rome to see friends tomorrow afternoon.

Realistically we wouldn’t have come to Lisbon if it weren’t for his daughter, lovely city but we tend ti prefer more rural holidays. He still sends her money every month and he seems genuinely hurt that she isn’t making any effort to see him.

She seems to avoid us and we don’t know why, like last year she went home to Moscow for a week but when my partner said he would go too she lied and said she had changed her mind but then her brother told him afterwords that she had come home.

My partner claims he doesn’t know why she is doing this and that they were close and they still message often.

AIBU to be really frustrated about this? I wouldn’t mind if she had just told us she didn’t want to see us but we have come all this way, gave her plenty of notice and now she cancels?

Perhaps she hoped he would make the decision to come alone.

One of my children follow her on instagram but she doesn’t post an awful lot, and what she does post isn’t very telling of much.

She sends her dad selfies etc. but is also very cryptic about her relationship, doesn’t talk about her boyfriend much, no idea what he does etc.

He gives her money because she "needs" it.
She can afford to go out nearly every night and flit off to Rome for the weekend.
Her social life is so busy that she can hardly fit you in (despite 9months' notice)
I don't know what happened previously but he's being taken for a mug now.

He has to have a conversation with her

Maybe he cancelled on her a lot and this is her revenge, a little bit of pay back. Petty maybe.

Can his Ds shed any light?

As he seems to have a better relationship with his Dad and was honest that she had been to Moscow.

Could there be a political reason (is she a spy? Is he? Are either being watched?) Could she have taken a radical decision that she does not feel her DD would support (are the messages via FaceTime? Could she have transitioned/ adopted full Islamic dress / got a face full of tattoos and piercings), did he object to her sexuality or a choice of partner?

Anyway, obviously YANBU to feel very frustrated by this and if DP has any idea or suspicion as to what may be going on then he owes it to you to be honest.

If not, fair enough, support him and maybe do a bit of digging.

Have you looked at her social media, linked in , work website and SM, her friends SM etc.

I’d keep a fluttering red flag in my peripheral vision.

Sounds like she doesn’t want to be in the same place as him for some reason?

Not all families are close and considering they all live in different countries this is shown.

He probably sends her money as a way of easing his guilt for not being the best father to his children.

Who knows what their childhood was like and there’s probably a lot of underlying and historical feelings and dynamics at play.

How about he was and he's just been unlucky and gor shitty kids.
Unless you know, you can't assume it's his fault.

She is rude and ungrateful. If she doesn’t want to see him/you that’s up to her, but she should have the decency not to mislead you both. I don’t know why he is still supporting her financially. She’s an adult.

its none of your business really

What does she do for a living? Could it be something that she's trying to hide? or could she be living with a boyfriend that she knows her dad would not approve?

It somehow is given that the OP has just spent her holidays in a place she didn't really want to go to, just to see the daughter.

Sounds just like my god-daughter's relationship with her father.

He was career man (aka a workaholic) so bit of a disney dad - when he was there he was very fun/cool/generous/present but utterly useless as a father or for anything practical, emotional, etc. she's mid 20's and lives elsewhere and he can't understand why she doesn't make an effort with him on the odd occasion he's in contact - aside from just not being arsed because she barely knows him, his new wife & children are always there and it's always when he's free so on his terms . His whole family seem to be upset & perplexed as to why she's 'so cruelly shunned him' and talk about what an amazing dad he was, how close they were etc. Honestly, as an outsider it's embarrassing.

My GD is thankfully bright, self-assured and independent enough with lots of other fab male & female roles models not to let it bother her too much but I know as a teenager she was desperate for him to just turn up, take her out for the day just the two of them, spend some quality time together and properly get to know each other but he's call, ask what she was doing and she'd say something like 'meeting my friends in town' so he'd say, oh ok speak to you soon presumably taking that as a rejection.

sounds like she was going for maximum impact.

rude of her, I'd be irritated, but stay out of it - whatever issues she has are with her father.
don't arrange future holidays around her, let partner visit her solo if he wants to see her.

She’s happy to take his money though.

Op that is very shitty behaviour but there must be more to it as most normal people would have been made up that you made the effort to visit. I would just leave it to your partner and let him deal with her.

She obviously doesn't want to see him. He will know why. It's probably the same reason he still sends her money. I appreciate you weren't there, but after 5 years you must have some idea what kind of father he was...
At the very least she's likely upset because he's going on "family holidays" with your teens when he was living in a different than her as a teen.

I think people with crap parents fall into 2 categories; the I do not want anything from you including money or the yes I’ll have money as payback for the shit I went through as a kid. I’m the former but the latter is perfectly acceptable. Also it could be £20 a month we don’t know how much it is.

It all sounds very… Russian!

If he stops paying her money he will more likely start hearing from her more!

That is absolutely unforgivable. In his shoes I'd stop the financial support and the messaging. Fwiw, my daughter is a similar age and lives in Australia. We visited last year, and whilst she didn't blow us off, she didn't seem to bothered to see us either. I actually had a cry on the last night (when we got back to the hotel). There has been no bad blood between and I'm a damned good mother, so I'm lost as to why she had attitude. It's hard. Hope he's ok.

But…. She has no trouble taking the money. Don’t fight your partners battles.

My guess is that she can’t be bothered to put herself out for you and your family.
She could have been thinking that you would go to Moscow with him.
She feels resentment for something and I think you would be better staying right out of his relationship with her - for now at least. Let them continue to message often and see if her dad can build up the relationship with her that way.
She is probably afraid to tell him outright what the problem is in case he cuts her off financially.

Why does this matter?