To be frustrated we’ve come all this way for his daughter just to cancel

[Ghrale]

I have been with my partner for 5 years, we have a very good relationship. He is Russian, he has 2 children, a son and a daughter who are 24 and 26. His daughter lives in Lisbon with her boyfriend, his son lives in Moscow, we live in London.

We don’t see his children very much, he goes to see his son about once a year but I don’t feel comfortable visiting Russia so haven’t gone with him (first it was Covid now it’s the war and travel difficulties). He hasn’t seen his daughter since 2022, when she visited London and spent exactly one hour with him.

Now I don’t know if it’s cultural or if they just aren’t close but he seems to be unworried about it and I’m not going to push, he messages them both often.

Any way this year we planed our family holiday around his daughter, so are spending this week in Lisbon, we told her the dates 9 months ago, she said she would be around and could meet for dinner. We were meant to be seeing her tonight but she’s cancelled, saying something has come up, we have asked to reschedule for tomorrow or Sunday as we come home on Monday but she has said she can’t as she is flying to Rome to see friends tomorrow afternoon.

Realistically we wouldn’t have come to Lisbon if it weren’t for his daughter, lovely city but we tend ti prefer more rural holidays. He still sends her money every month and he seems genuinely hurt that she isn’t making any effort to see him.

She seems to avoid us and we don’t know why, like last year she went home to Moscow for a week but when my partner said he would go too she lied and said she had changed her mind but then her brother told him afterwords that she had come home.

My partner claims he doesn’t know why she is doing this and that they were close and they still message often.

AIBU to be really frustrated about this? I wouldn’t mind if she had just told us she didn’t want to see us but we have come all this way, gave her plenty of notice and now she cancels?

Well maybe he should stop?

Not saying he’s not in the wrong but seems bonkers to me.

Guilt or just generous.

Because if her partner paid for it all, it’s a case of “oh well we didn’t see his daughter but at least I’m not out of pocket and I got a nice trip out of it.”

This is one of those things you probably need to gently back away from.

You can listen and support him emotionally, but leave him to see them in his own time. For whatever reason their relationship is barely existent, so don't waste your precious time planning leave around them. At least not until he's sufficiently sorted it out.

I obviously can’t tell her side of things but from the limited information I feel I had a similar relationship with my father. I did things like this for two reasons:

1. I had a difficult childhood because of him and so although on the surface our relationship looked ok I carried a lot of hurt. I could either reject him outright or try and keep things bumping a long in a non committed surface level way. The latter option was much less hurtful for both of us so I did that mostly. It sounds like she’s doing the same.

2. I was torn between wanting to avoid him and wanting a better relationship with him. So I’d agree to the odd meet up but then chicken out when it actually came to it. She might have done this too.

Perhaps it was unreasonable to expect this arrangement to work out. Clearly DD is actively avoiding seeing her father., and has been for years She didn't ask him to come to Lisbon, she only agreed to spend a couple of hours with you all during your holiday, and then decided on the day that she couldn't face it.
We can't know what is the background to this avoidance, but I'd stop making any arrangements that include DD and think about how you feel to have a partner who is almost certainly keeping a big secret from you.

It must be very frustrating, but please don't fall into the trap of feeling like you have to fix this. You don't, and you shouldn't try.

It does sound like your partner is being treated badly, but if so, he needs to be the one to realize this and put a stop to it. Trying to speed that process up will backfire on you. It's sensible to refuse to make your holiday plans around her, but the rest is out of your control.

If this isn't just a case of a young woman being incredibly spoilt and ungrateful, then any attempt to fix the situation could end very badly. I hope that she is just bratty rather than traumatized, but you never know.

Hell would freeze over before I didn’t see one of my children for 3 years. I’d have my doubts over how good a parent he has been.
And really sorry if it sounds harsh but she’s now not interested in a relationship with him, and even less interested in his partner.

Yes it's disappointing to be let down at the last minute, especially as you had only really travelled there to spend time with her. I can only assume that there are some underlying issues that you're not aware of. I wouldn't make arrangements around her any more and leave your partner to manage his relationship with her from now on. You don't have to make an effort as she's clearly not going to make any effort with you.

She's still interested in having a relationship with his money though.

Still happy to take his money though.

Nothing in the OP suggests anything like that.

Yet she is happy to take money from him! The money needs to stop, it's being sent to someone who treats him like in inconvenient stranger.
The OP says she doesn't know how he was as a father when they were younger yet the superbrains of MN know he was a bad father!

Well given that she travelled with him to somewhere she wasn’t keen on going and it ended up a bust, of course it’s her business.

I love how so many posters are jumping to the conclusion that he’s been a bad father with absolutely no evidence to support it. Typical MN misandry.

Hence me asking the question…..to get an answer as it wasn’t mentioned in the OP.

I mean the evidence is that he doesn’t see his children.

And that the daughter doesn’t want to see him.

You don’t reach that stage if you’ve been an excellent father.

There's not enough info to understand what's going on. You'll know best if your partner knows more and isn't telling you. Does he seem upset and/or very surprised about his daughter's not meeting him on this holiday, not seeing him when in London, and whatever occurred with the Russia trip? He could ask her over text, email, phone, etc - not ideal, but possible. Maybe he's unhappy about the situation but doesn't want to confront her for fear of pushing her further away, for fear of hearing something hurtful from her that he's not ready to face, or just because he's conflict-avoidant. In the end, whether he pushes her for an explanation or change has to be his choice.

I'd hesitate to place too much blame on the daughter; it sounds like he might have presented it to her as "we'll be in Lisbon on x dates and would love to see you" rather than "we'd like to come and see you in Lisbon; when would be the best time?" If he still persisted in going and didn't offer to change the dates even after she said she was only free for one dinner, then it's reasonable that she thinks you all WANTED to visit Lisbon and would have gone even if she weren't there. Personally, I might sit out any future trips centered around his children for now, if you (and your children, if they come with you) aren't otherwise wanting to visit the location.

Hi, I’m not Russian but Eastern European and have a lot of Russian friends.

It’s fairly normal for parents to still be sending a daughter money in mid-20s, but not normal to have that little contact, or for her to be actively avoiding it - if anything, I’d say there is much more emphasis on the family unit and father/daughter relationship in EE families than in British ones. So really don’t think that is a cultural quirk, something is probably wrong, but not enough info to figure out what that could be.

Did her father ring her and say he wanted to visit, ask when suited her, and plan round her availability (like you would with another adult who you were visiting)?

Or did he text her to say what dates he was coming to Lisbon, without checking her availability and just assume that she would be available?

I lived abroad for a long time and we had a couple of awkward family holidays when my parents did the second one but expected to have me available, but I was busy working in a seasonal role with no flexibility. It took them a while to get the fact that they needed to do option one, like they would with a friend.

Kindly, this has nothing to do with you. It is between the two of them. If my parents were divorced and I hadn't lived with my father for years, I couldn't be less interested in meeting his partner, in fact I would downright refuse to do so. You need to back far away from this situation.

@Ghrale she obviously doesnt need his money if she can afford flights to see her friend in another country! is she just using him for his money perhaps??

Maybe it's the fact that he's holidaying with you and your kids.I would want no part of your 'family holiday' either if I was her. Lisbon is a short flight in the same time-zone and can cost about £30 off season. He could have visited her any weekend since 2022. I've been to Lisbon twice this year and have long weekend booked in Jan because my best friend lives there. It's hardly the moon.

Where is their mother? Have I missed this? In Russia? They are Russian - not quite like other people.

I also think that it’s not your circus OP and I would stay out of it.
They are certainly not close and it looks for me like she is hiding something about her life - could be anything and being Russian might be neither here nor there. Personal meeting would probably make it obvious. She is certainly doing a minimal effort not to rock the boat and continue receiving money but no more.
I wonder what exactly she is doing there. And I would expect her father to know her job and place of work and roughly what she’s doing. And if it’s not that way - the answer lays there.