To be frustrated we’ve come all this way for his daughter just to cancel

[Ghrale]

I have been with my partner for 5 years, we have a very good relationship. He is Russian, he has 2 children, a son and a daughter who are 24 and 26. His daughter lives in Lisbon with her boyfriend, his son lives in Moscow, we live in London.

We don’t see his children very much, he goes to see his son about once a year but I don’t feel comfortable visiting Russia so haven’t gone with him (first it was Covid now it’s the war and travel difficulties). He hasn’t seen his daughter since 2022, when she visited London and spent exactly one hour with him.

Now I don’t know if it’s cultural or if they just aren’t close but he seems to be unworried about it and I’m not going to push, he messages them both often.

Any way this year we planed our family holiday around his daughter, so are spending this week in Lisbon, we told her the dates 9 months ago, she said she would be around and could meet for dinner. We were meant to be seeing her tonight but she’s cancelled, saying something has come up, we have asked to reschedule for tomorrow or Sunday as we come home on Monday but she has said she can’t as she is flying to Rome to see friends tomorrow afternoon.

Realistically we wouldn’t have come to Lisbon if it weren’t for his daughter, lovely city but we tend ti prefer more rural holidays. He still sends her money every month and he seems genuinely hurt that she isn’t making any effort to see him.

She seems to avoid us and we don’t know why, like last year she went home to Moscow for a week but when my partner said he would go too she lied and said she had changed her mind but then her brother told him afterwords that she had come home.

My partner claims he doesn’t know why she is doing this and that they were close and they still message often.

AIBU to be really frustrated about this? I wouldn’t mind if she had just told us she didn’t want to see us but we have come all this way, gave her plenty of notice and now she cancels?

You were silly to book a holiday around someone who doesn't care whether she sees you or not.

And there will be a reason neither of his children want to spend time with him.

I'd be worrying a lot more about what kind of man you're with rather than blaming his daughter.

Did you ask or tell her about your trip? My dad has a tendency towards the latter and it just creates frustration all round as inevitably the dates he's chosen to fly over aren't the best dates for me or my sister, between work and her kids. He ends up getting less quality time with us if we are all knackered.

My daughter did something very similar a couple of times, not abroad but UK. It turned out she didn't want to meet my partner (not her dad).

Why is he still sending her money except for Birthdays and Xmas. She's an adult and if she can afford to buzz off to Rome to see a friend she doesn't need his money.

It was never a firm yes, was it? she was just going pop down to see you for dinner. She has also flaked before, when you have tried to meet up during a holiday.

She just doesn't have a close relationship with her dad,

It says more about him than your SD.

After 5 years together, I'd expect you to know a lot more about what is going on. Either it turns out he was a bad absent father or surely you would question what is going on?

Or maybe you don't care that he was a shit father. Which is totally fine too, you're older, his parenting skills don't matter much (although it's an indication of how caring he is / will be generally....shit fathers are usually not great partners either).

Guilt money ?
because he doesn’t have real relationships with his kids and now his daughter had a better offer, and thought she can’t be arsed with this bloke !!
don’t blame her !! I’d take the money too if I were her !!

Or maybe she's just not a great daughter.

Russian culture is so very different from British culture that I would hesitate before taking the advice of anyone on this thread except those who have said that they have some familiarity with Russian culture.

Funny that he has a bad daughter AND a bad son.

She probably feels it's the least he can do if he was not.a good father, maybe thinks it's her right, who knows? I'm not saying that is good but it is understandable.

Op I don't think you can do anything about this and it would be best if you stay out of it. However do encourage your husband to try and see his daughter and discuss the situation with her. He needs to know what her problem is though he may have a good idea.

Can’t advise as we don’t know what went down between them, but all I can say is if you’re not too keen on Lisbon you can always rent a car and drive out, there’s tons of other beautiful areas to see outside the city.

Plus it’s summer so there’s about 8363892 medieval fairs and summer festivals going on. Make the most of it!

I think the advice to stay out of it is probably best. It's not your problem so don't try to fix it. Her behaviour towards you clearly signals her attitude so I wouldn't bother with her again. Leave DP's family to DP and concentrate on your own DC.

It’s very rude of her to say she’s going to meet and then doesn’t but there’s obviously a reason.

She obviously doesn’t like him or you (maybe your kids).

How many times has he tried meeting her without you or your kids?

If she avoids meeting him, even when you aren’t there, then it’s obviously him she has a problem with.

It could be that he wasn’t that involved when they were young and she feels no need to put her life on pause for him, perhaps she even does it intentionally.

As you’ve been together 5 years, it would make sense for you to have more of a relationship with both of them.
So I would try and start messaging them (just things like happy birthday etc to begin with) and once you’re closer you can ask more about their childhood.

Probably a mistake taking your kids. People always seem to think kids should accept a “blended family” and embrace it but as adults why should they? Their dad’s choice, not their’s. Stay well out of it, I would

Of course it is when she’s paid for half the holiday built around seeing this daughter where she lives.

She’s rude and a flake.

All of this “there must be a reason” - well, why didn’t that reason make an appearance when the arrangements were being made?

Assuming he wasn't a good father (and we don't know this), it could be pay back as another poster mentioned, or it could be that she wanted to meet up/thinks she ought to/etc. but when it comes down to it, bottles and backs out.

She is obviously avoiding him. The messaging they do sounds very superficial if she sends selfies but he has no idea what her partner does, etc., thinks she needs money but she's out every night and flitting off to Rome.

But it's also possible it's her. It might be that she has mental health issues, or her partner is controlling or something else. Doesn't sound like your DP is interested in finding out, though.

From your perspective though, there is no value in being a part of your DP's attempts to meet his DD until he's developed an actual relationship with her. For one, it's a lot of bother for you, expensive in terms of time and opportunity. And secondly, since he clearly doesn't really know her, you being there, involved in any way, is likely to impede rather than help any possibility of him actually connecting with her.

I think you need to wash your hands of it. Let your DP live in his bubble where he doesn't think there's anything wrong with his relationships with his kids, but don't be drawn into organizing your calendar (or anything else) around them. Support him if he wants to do something but don't be involved with it. Tell him he should absolutely go off and see them if he wants but you're doing X.

I would be a little bit wary about a partner who seems so oblivious, though. He may just be hiding things because he's embarrassed, but someone who is really that clueless is unlikely to be good partnership material for the long haul.

That was her choice. As for the relationship with father and his daughter, it’s none of her business.

Well if he doesn’t know why his daughter isn’t bothered about seeing him then you won’t. Lisbon has lots going for it so maybe just enjoy the trip. Perhaps he should stop with the financial support. If she can gad about here, there and everywhere she obviously doesn’t need it.

“He hasn’t seen his daughter since 2022,”

OP, this stood out. The war with Ukraine started in 2022. Every Russian family I know had some sort of falling out because of this war.
I’m Russian, last time I spoke with my own parents was in 2022 as they are pro-Putin etc.

Hm I hadn’t considered this. My partner doesn’t like to talk politics very much and I don’t press but I don’t believe he is pro-putin from what I’ve heard.

I suppose his daughter could be but I’d be surprised since she is young and living abroad.

Interesting point though.

Of course it is. Her AIBU is about being frustrated that they made the plans, paid for them and now she bails.

She’s rude and a flake.

After the lengths she went to to avoid seeing him in Russia, it’s not that surprising she’s bailed on seeing him now. At least it is a lovely city so not like you went somewhere obscure so I’d try to make the most of it and not get involved in anything further to do with meeting her. He must know more about why it’s like this but it’s between them and no one’s place to say whose fault it is or that he should stop sending money. Kids are rarely ‘shitty kids’ without reason and these things are complicated and one thing we do know is that OP is not going to resolve and rift between them. You’ve tried to do this nice thing. It didn’t work out, you won’t do it again and he knows where her head’s at and can reflect on that. Enjoy the rest of your break and don’t plan any more around her.

I’m amazed you are dating someone Russian and you’ve not really talked about the war with Ukraine!! I’d very much need to know his stance one way or another in order to be in a relationship with him!
But anyway, it does seem rude for you to have gone all that way and her not be available, I’d be thinking they can’t be that close after all? Or there’s much more to this and she has her reasons for not seeing him. However, Lisbon is one of my favourite cities so enjoy that instead!