To tell my sister I don’t like her new boyfriend

[summerdreams19]

My sister has been dating her new boyfriend for around 10 months now. Initially, I thought he was fine, but I really can’t stand him anymore, and it’s affecting our relationship.

There have been a few incidents, but I’ll share a couple of examples of his behaviour.

For my sister's birthday in June, he wanted to organise a surprise dinner for her with some friends and family. He invited me, providing the time and date, which I accepted. A few days before the dinner, I ran into one of my sister's friends who was also invited, and she mentioned that the dinner had been moved to the next day. She didn’t know I was invited when she told me, and I didn’t mention it to her. My sister's boyfriend never told me about the change in plans, so I assumed I was uninvited. My sister didn’t bring it up, so I don’t think she was aware I was invited either and I chose not to tell her because I didn’t want to ruin her birthday. It’s possible he forgot, but how did he not notice I wasn’t there during or after the meal and why not mention it afterwards?!

Recently, my parents had a BBQ, and this was the second time he met our family. After a few drinks, he became very quiet and distant and wouldn’t speak with anyone (another family member tried to talk to him, but he only responded with one word answers). Eventually, he walked out without saying goodbye to anyone or thanking my parents for the invite. I understand that sometimes people make mistakes when they’ve had a drink, but it’s still early days and he should have been on his best behaviour imo.

My sister has also spent time with his family, and I can’t imagine what they would think if she acted that way.

Usually, I would keep my opinions to myself, but my sister, my nieces, and I spend a lot of time together, and I’ve been avoiding them because he’s always around (either at the house or joining us), and I just can’t bite my tongue or be fake with him. She keeps asking to meet up but I just make excuses.

AIBU

You don’t like him. That is allowed! No need to elaborate on reasons. Your sister does like him so unless you know he has committed a crime I would keep quiet. If she is happy with him for the next 50 years you have to put up with it. If they break up you will be there for her.
if you tell her you risk her never speaking to you or your parents (if they say the same to her) ever again. Adults have to make their own decisions in relationships. It is hard for you I understand.

Jesus OP, you're intent on hating this guy for what could have been a very innocent mistake ( dinner).

You sound quite mean.

Because ‘twisting words’ is a Mumsnet pastime for some posters, OP. I’m also aware that in your original post you said you would give two examples. There are obviously more.
Your gut reaction is probably right. He sounds an absolute bellend.
There is NO excuse to leave a party without saying goodbye or thank you. So childish. And some of the posts offering excuses for that behaviour are laughable.
I once had a relationship with a complete twat. Later my family told me how much they didn’t like him. Sadly, if they’d told me at the time I doubt I would have listened.
it’s a difficult one. Good luck.

Could it be that he doesn't realise that he never told u about the change of date for the party and now he thinks u didn't show or weren't able to make the new date.

The first one could be a misunderstanding. I don’t know why you didn’t just raise it at the time? It seems to me like it’s something which has festered. It sounds like thoughtlessness rather than deliberately uninviting you. It is interesting that your mind travels to the worst. If you had texted them at the time, it would likely have been smoothed over easily enough. Instead it became a thing and you’ve manoeuvred yourself into a martyr type role for not telling your sister.

Not being engaged and being monosyllabic at an early event with lots of family members of your partner? Not everyone is the life and soul and some people get shy.

I would keep your opinions to yourself at this stage as nothing here necessarily screams red flag, just that he has some flaws and perhaps isn’t the most organised or social.

I don’t know why so many posters have given you such a hard time, I would be suspicious of him too from what you said in your original post. He should be bending over backwards to get on with his girlfriend’s family at this stage, and from the two situations you mentioned he clearly wasn’t on his best behaviour. I would bide my time and see whether other questionable behaviour occurs.

I think you’ve nailed the problem. You expect him to make the effort. How about making an effort to welcome him into the family?

This has been a rather confrontational thread. Should you say you don’t like him? Absolutely not because if he is a normal guy who values your sister but made some mistakes (unlikely) then you saying this will either make your sister doubt him or start to avoid you. If he is trying to alienate her and her children don’t play into his hands. I would go with the previous posters approach of killing him with kindness and get all of your family onboard with this too.
Do mention the mix up with the birthday to your sister but be sure to assume ‘upon reflection’ that it was an oversight on his part. This is to ensure he hasn’t said you didn’t want to go.
See if you can see your sister and the kids alone sometimes- to give boyfriend a chance to see his friends. If he doesn’t have any then this might highlight the fact to her.
Offer to take just the children out and see if they bring anything up.
Yes there’s a worry for your sister, but also what about the children? He is absolutely enmeshed in their lives after 10 months which usually gets the mother flamed. At the very, very least its not a great example for them to witness his extreme lack of manners with their mothers family.
This guy is 39 years old, not an awkward teenager. I think red flags abounding but keep your sister close.

Why don’t you give him the benefit of the doubt and meet up once again for your sister’s sake.

Some of the examples you’ve given are a little annoying but nothing too extreme.

Who our family choose to partner with aren’t always to our tastes but I do think unless something is really bad you make an effort even if it’s not returned 100%.

I totally understand you. There have been times that a (future) BIL chose to go upstairs to the guestroom at my parents house and take a nap, avoiding every conversation. We all kept quiet for the sake of our dear sister. The man grew out of it, but it took a lót of time, patience and love. Wishing you all the best in this difficult family situation 😘

The dinner date change may or may not have been an innocent, if flaky, error. Holding your breath and waiting to see what happened instead of ringing him to confirm the date, at least, once you heard rumours of a change, wasn't very constructive on your part. Not following up after the event and no-show could demonstrate embarrassment, or it could even be he thought he had told you the right date and believes you were making some kind of point. Did you ask your sister about it?

The BBQ behaviour was certainly lacking in social graces, if not necessarily inexcusably rude; but what's more striking is that this is only the second time in 10 months that he's met your family?

You really do need to talk to your sister about this. Only don't lead with "I don't like your boyfriend." Find out why he's so uncomfortable around you and the rest of her family, and try to remember what you originally liked about him.

It sounds like he has social anxiety and chose to remove himself from a situation rather than cause further problems.

The birthday dinner sounds like an accident and he's embarrassed about it.

I know a good few people like this, you just learn to manage your expectations. It does not make them bad people.

Your sister can obviously see past that, and if she's trying to arrange time with just the three of you she clearly recognises his social limitations.

You are the one who needs to make the effort here. I expect he is probably finding this just, if not more, challenging than you are.

Do not ruin the relationship with your sister. Surely she is worth a couple of "uncomfortable" hours with her socially awkward boyfriend?

He obviously thinks SHE is worth a couple of uncomfortable hours with her sister!

If this is all rubbish and it turns out he's just an awful person, your sister will be able to trust you to have her back. Don't burn that bridge.

Some people are introverts or are mildly neurodiverse and find social occasions with new people (especially if getting to know them is the focus) really nerve-wracking. Small talk often doesn’t come naturally to them, so they may resort to one word answers if feeling on edge (could also explain the drinking - Dutch courage!). Doing their best and then being criticised by their other half for apparently ‘failing’ at a situation that already felt overwhelming could be enough to make them want to make their excuses and leave. This type of social awkwardness doesn’t mean that someone is being intentionally rude or - as some suggest - controlling (although it might). It would be a deal breaker for some, especially if social confidence is a high priority, but others would be prepared to accept it if their partner was otherwise kind, like-minded and loyal. I would give the guy the benefit of the doubt until you know him better - not everyone is at their best at social gatherings but that doesn’t always make it a sinister trait or a ‘red flag’ - the world is built around valuing extrovert traits, so introverts can come across as rude or aloof initially but they often have hidden depths and strengths that are more of a slow burn. He could also be from a family that don’t socialise in the same way and will take time to learn the social skills that your family understandably prioritise - not everyone is the finished product and relationships can help people develop new habits or skills. Maybe arrange to spend some time with your sister and him in a more relaxed setting and see how it goes - good luck!

He’s probably wondering why you missed the surprise dinner and you’re wondering why you weren’t apprised of the change. Communicate people. In the meantime, don’t ruin your sister’s happy over not much.

Sorry but where I come from New partner invited to family gathering where he/she doesn't know everyone well means the family put themselves out to talk and include, not the new partner having to make effort at first few meetups. Secondly you no matter how you put it sound the annoyed one because your sister is now in a relationship and you don't like that you don't spend so much time together anymore. The meal thing could have been many innocent reasons aswell, you chose not to message about new date when you found out and tbh not even sure why you didn't go that also was your choice invite or not I wouldn't miss any of my siblings birthday meals. You clearly don't sound welcoming, are already talking about the guy behind his back with your parents which if he is like me will absolutely feel it instinctively. You need to make effort a lot more before becoming judgemental over a guy you barely actually know!

YABU, and unnecessarily combative with posters.

Sounds like he has worked out you don’t like him, as what you have said aren’t reasons to dislike him.
You seem to be doing your best to make your sister unhappy.

Yeah my sister was like you, she found issues in the fact my partner didn't behave the way she wanted, she has form for expecting everyone to behave how she seemed fit.

Needless to say I've not spoken to her in a year, after she was rude and caused arguments over it. Partner was quiet and quite awkward in new settings and generally quite reserved. So I would really think is it worth causing a big thing over.

I really like this idea. I wonder too if perhaps you have a ‘feeling’ about him and really that you are using the events to justify that feeling? Sometimes we just don’t like people or feel like something is off. Other times we are judging them unfairly. I’d say try and spend some more time with him and ask yourself important questions. Is he kind and thoughtful to your sister? Is he reliable? Does she still spend time with her friends? Does he have many friends or is he a less social person?

it could be that the feeling is some kind of intuition but equally it could be that you’ve misjudged him so deciding hey, I’m going to spend more time around him and be open minded seems like a fair solution. Definitely don’t say anything to your sister at this stage - you’d risk ruining your relationship with her.

the world is built around valuing extrovert traits

I have to say I totally disagree with this view being casually thrown around.
The world is set up in a way which allows introverts to prosper just as much as any one else.

Extroverted people (especially on MumsNet) are regularly let know they are too loud, talk too much, ask too many questions, are Empty Vessels, have Opened Their Mouths confirming to one and all that they are a fool, and all the rest.

Look at what you have done in that post:
A list of excuses and justifications for him to make the occasion less pleasant for other people.
An expectation that OP will (a) give him the benefit of the doubt and (b) look for more occasions to spend time with him so she can jump through his hoops.
She can do that for the sake of her sister- but having encountered too many people that are pissed off if you talk to them and complain about being excluded if you don’t that I would be very wary of this guy indeed. Especially if OP was getting feedback that he didn’t enjoy it.

I don't think this is really about the rights and wrongs of your disliking him. The fact is you don't like him. But should you tell your sister? No! Of course not, what would this achieve? Just be polite to him and keep up your relationship with her as normal.

I do not agree with you here lovely. There is research supporting the fact that the world is more geared towards extroverts. You can look it up. I think its improving in some contexts but not all. It could simply be this chap is an introvert and OP prefers extroverts.

This does read a little like you’re playing a game so that you can deliberately not like him. He obviously should have mentioned that he’d changed the date of the meal but maybe he’s not an organiser and just forgot to tell people. The fact that you didn’t mention to your sister’s friend that you invited seems really strange. And once you found out the date had changed, why not contact him and check rather than going out of your way to miss your sister’s birthday?

I’d suggest start again fresh and try to be more open minded.