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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister I don’t like her new boyfriend

173 replies

summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 12:53

My sister has been dating her new boyfriend for around 10 months now. Initially, I thought he was fine, but I really can’t stand him anymore, and it’s affecting our relationship.

There have been a few incidents, but I’ll share a couple of examples of his behaviour.

For my sister's birthday in June, he wanted to organise a surprise dinner for her with some friends and family. He invited me, providing the time and date, which I accepted. A few days before the dinner, I ran into one of my sister's friends who was also invited, and she mentioned that the dinner had been moved to the next day. She didn’t know I was invited when she told me, and I didn’t mention it to her. My sister's boyfriend never told me about the change in plans, so I assumed I was uninvited. My sister didn’t bring it up, so I don’t think she was aware I was invited either and I chose not to tell her because I didn’t want to ruin her birthday. It’s possible he forgot, but how did he not notice I wasn’t there during or after the meal and why not mention it afterwards?!

Recently, my parents had a BBQ, and this was the second time he met our family. After a few drinks, he became very quiet and distant and wouldn’t speak with anyone (another family member tried to talk to him, but he only responded with one word answers). Eventually, he walked out without saying goodbye to anyone or thanking my parents for the invite. I understand that sometimes people make mistakes when they’ve had a drink, but it’s still early days and he should have been on his best behaviour imo.

My sister has also spent time with his family, and I can’t imagine what they would think if she acted that way.

Usually, I would keep my opinions to myself, but my sister, my nieces, and I spend a lot of time together, and I’ve been avoiding them because he’s always around (either at the house or joining us), and I just can’t bite my tongue or be fake with him. She keeps asking to meet up but I just make excuses.

AIBU

OP posts:
CherryYellowCouch · 25/07/2025 13:27

It is absolutely beyond me why you didn’t:

  1. Mention you were invited
  2. Immediately text your sister’s boyfriend about the change.

Genuinely can’t fathom why you wouldn’t?

Also quiet at BBQ could be because he was ill/had a fight with your sister/someone in you family (you?) was rude to him. It’s odd but I would have just quietly asked your sister if he was ok.

To be honest you behaviour is just as odd as his.

Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:27

ConfusedSloth · 25/07/2025 13:26

Him: Oh, where's Summerdreams? Oh shit! Did I forget to tell her the change of date?
Cousin: Nah, she knew. I spoke to her about it and she definitely knew it was today.
Him: Oh strange. I wonder why she isn't here...
Cousin/Sister: Don't worry, she's just playing games. She definitely knew about the change of date. Just ignore her - she's always difficult.

Probably what happened.

Show quote history

Yes, and probably the reason he didn't want to hang around at the family gathering.

Or not. How would OP know without talking to either of them like a grown up,?

ConfusedSloth · 25/07/2025 13:28

CherryYellowCouch · 25/07/2025 13:27

It is absolutely beyond me why you didn’t:

  1. Mention you were invited
  2. Immediately text your sister’s boyfriend about the change.

Genuinely can’t fathom why you wouldn’t?

Also quiet at BBQ could be because he was ill/had a fight with your sister/someone in you family (you?) was rude to him. It’s odd but I would have just quietly asked your sister if he was ok.

To be honest you behaviour is just as odd as his.

Because she wants there to be a problem. Everything you've said is a completely normal way to behave and the OP is full of examples of OP intentionally creating a mountain out of a molehill.

Original poster
summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:31

@Pessismistic

This is how I feel. I believe that when you're in a new relationship, you should put in the effort to connect with that person's family and make a positive impression. He is the one joining our family, and I think it's the least he can do instead of leaving in a huff because he can't handle his drink. He’s 39. He’s not a child. My parents were also quite unhappy about the situation and thought he was rude for walking out without speaking to anyone.

OP posts:
Catshaveiteasy · 25/07/2025 13:32

No, he might end up being her partner for a long time and what's said can't be unsaid.

I found one of my BILs annoying initially. He could be blunt, dismissive and seemingly rude. But over the years I worked out he is on the Autistic spectrum to an extent (now says so himself) and I can now see that he is a caring and kind man who hasn't always been able to say the socially acceptable thing. And actually he has mellowed and changed as he's got older.

Original poster
summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:33

ConfusedSloth · 25/07/2025 13:24

  1. You have no idea if those things happened. All you know is that he was suddenly not chatty and then left. You have absolutely no idea why and have decided, for no reason, that it's because he's an awful rude person rather than the far more likely case that there was a reason why. Just because he didn't disclose the reason to you (why would he?!) doesn't mean there wasn't a valid reason.
  2. You have no idea if the friend told him that you knew. Again, you have no idea. You're choosing to be so certain when you have no idea. She spoke to him to get invited, she spoke to him to get the date change, she spoke to him to attend - she probably spoke to him at other points. You have no idea what else they spoke about. The fact is, you did know about the date change and there's a plausible way for him to know that you knew - so you don't get to be the victim of anything for him not telling you directly. You still knew!

Like I said, you seem absolutely determined not to like him. You sound like very hard work.

Show quote history

Yes, I do know, actually, as my sister mentioned that he had too much to drink and left in a huff. However, it seems you're determined to place the blame on me, which is absolutely fine.

OP posts:
Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:34

summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:31

@Pessismistic

This is how I feel. I believe that when you're in a new relationship, you should put in the effort to connect with that person's family and make a positive impression. He is the one joining our family, and I think it's the least he can do instead of leaving in a huff because he can't handle his drink. He’s 39. He’s not a child. My parents were also quite unhappy about the situation and thought he was rude for walking out without speaking to anyone.

Now, I'd see that as absolutely the other way around. if you've got guest who's new to you all, it's the family who need to go out of their way to make him welcome IMO.

Basic manners on both sides of course, but it's not his place to impress you. Walking into your family gathering sounds like my worst nightmare.

beAsensible1 · 25/07/2025 13:35

summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:33

Yes, I do know, actually, as my sister mentioned that he had too much to drink and left in a huff. However, it seems you're determined to place the blame on me, which is absolutely fine.

Show quote history

You’ve just added that extra bit now.

middleagedandinarage · 25/07/2025 13:35

If those are the reasons you dislike him and are avoiding your sister because of this then honestly YABU and a little childish I would say. I get it's a bit strange and rude but not really enough to dislike someone and distance yourself from your sister,

ConfusedSloth · 25/07/2025 13:35

beAsensible1 · 25/07/2025 13:35

You’ve just added that extra bit now.

Show quote history

People tend to drip feed things when they aren't getting the responses they want... I tend to take those drips with a pinch of salt.

Catshaveiteasy · 25/07/2025 13:36

summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:31

@Pessismistic

This is how I feel. I believe that when you're in a new relationship, you should put in the effort to connect with that person's family and make a positive impression. He is the one joining our family, and I think it's the least he can do instead of leaving in a huff because he can't handle his drink. He’s 39. He’s not a child. My parents were also quite unhappy about the situation and thought he was rude for walking out without speaking to anyone.

It's a two way process, the onus isn't on one side only.

Ooohlalalalas · 25/07/2025 13:38

Like the previous poster said, they knew that you knew that the dinner had changed because you didn't turn up to the original booking!

"Oh no sis isn't here, did you tell her the new date" - "ah my bad, no I forgot" - "that's strange, why didn't she call me yesterday then to ask why no one else was at the restaurant"

Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:38

summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:33

Yes, I do know, actually, as my sister mentioned that he had too much to drink and left in a huff. However, it seems you're determined to place the blame on me, which is absolutely fine.

Show quote history

That would have been useful info in OP 🤣

What was the huff about?

I'm going to guess it's not unheard of for you to get in a huff, so why is it so terrible that he did. If he knew he'd had too much to drink and wasn't on his best form, didn't he do the right thing? What did DSis think of his behaviour?

My DP really hates confrontation and will always remove himself from a situation rather than have a "fight". That's not entirely helpful or healthy but it doesn't make him a terrible person.

Regardless, it's not a out "fault" it's about talking to each other rather than sulking, which is what you're doing.

Original poster
summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:39

Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:34

Now, I'd see that as absolutely the other way around. if you've got guest who's new to you all, it's the family who need to go out of their way to make him welcome IMO.

Basic manners on both sides of course, but it's not his place to impress you. Walking into your family gathering sounds like my worst nightmare.

Show quote history

Did you not read my original post? That’s exactly what we did. Our family invited him over for a BBQ to enjoy some time together. My parents prepared food for him and bought him drinks. We all spoke to him, asked him questions, and tried to learn more about him. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem interested and only replied with one word answers before leaving in a huff. No one was rude to him.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 25/07/2025 13:41

When you invite a new person to a massive family gathering YOU make the effort with them as you recognise that it’s daunting and awkward. You say hello. Take them in the rounds to meet everyone. Check in a few times, pull them into group convos make sure they don’t need anything.

im not saying this guy is perfect but it’s all very paggagg and blowing things out of proportion. And if he was drunk expecting him to do the rounds and say good bye to everyone is still OTT. Your sister has given his excuses and I assume apologised in his behalf.

Let it go and don’t push your sister away so that if he does something really bad she will take you seriously and dismiss because you’ve already use all your complaints up in low level nonsense

winter8090 · 25/07/2025 13:42

Flowers73752 · 25/07/2025 13:01

I think it's odd that you didn't just message him about the birthday dinner to ask if the date had changed, and instead assumed you had been uninvited...

I agree with this.

I think you should keep your opinion to yourself and be there to support her if he turns out to be bad.

beAsensible1 · 25/07/2025 13:43

Ooohlalalalas · 25/07/2025 13:38

Like the previous poster said, they knew that you knew that the dinner had changed because you didn't turn up to the original booking!

"Oh no sis isn't here, did you tell her the new date" - "ah my bad, no I forgot" - "that's strange, why didn't she call me yesterday then to ask why no one else was at the restaurant"

EXACTLY.

you either missed her birthday and didn’t check in or knew her birthday had changed and didn’t turn up. Either way you look like the weird one.

Original poster
summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:43

Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:38

That would have been useful info in OP 🤣

What was the huff about?

I'm going to guess it's not unheard of for you to get in a huff, so why is it so terrible that he did. If he knew he'd had too much to drink and wasn't on his best form, didn't he do the right thing? What did DSis think of his behaviour?

My DP really hates confrontation and will always remove himself from a situation rather than have a "fight". That's not entirely helpful or healthy but it doesn't make him a terrible person.

Regardless, it's not a out "fault" it's about talking to each other rather than sulking, which is what you're doing.

Show quote history

He was upset because another family member was trying to talk to him, but he was only giving one word replies, which created an awkward atmosphere. My sister asked him privately to cheer up and put in some effort, but he went in a mood and stormed off.

OP posts:
Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:45

So you sulked about the birthday thing and haven't talked to anyone about what really happened there.

You know he was upset about something at the family gathering (isn't it odd that your DSis told you that, but not why?), but it's not OK for him to leave?

Good grief, if I was Dsis and I liked this man, I'd be wanting to keep you well away.

Original poster
summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:46

beAsensible1 · 25/07/2025 13:41

When you invite a new person to a massive family gathering YOU make the effort with them as you recognise that it’s daunting and awkward. You say hello. Take them in the rounds to meet everyone. Check in a few times, pull them into group convos make sure they don’t need anything.

im not saying this guy is perfect but it’s all very paggagg and blowing things out of proportion. And if he was drunk expecting him to do the rounds and say good bye to everyone is still OTT. Your sister has given his excuses and I assume apologised in his behalf.

Let it go and don’t push your sister away so that if he does something really bad she will take you seriously and dismiss because you’ve already use all your complaints up in low level nonsense

That’s exactly what we did, we invited him into our family and made an effort. He wasn’t interested.

No, he hasn’t apologised. Neither has my sister on his behalf (not that I think she should have to) but I do think my parents deserve an apology more than anything.

OP posts:
Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:47

summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:43

He was upset because another family member was trying to talk to him, but he was only giving one word replies, which created an awkward atmosphere. My sister asked him privately to cheer up and put in some effort, but he went in a mood and stormed off.

Show quote history

But you didn't mention any of that in OP🤣

ConfusedSloth · 25/07/2025 13:49

Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:47

But you didn't mention any of that in OP🤣

Show quote history

It's still not even full context. Why would he be annoyed because someone was speaking to him at a social event? There's obviously more to it.

Original poster
summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:49

Lambswools · 25/07/2025 13:45

So you sulked about the birthday thing and haven't talked to anyone about what really happened there.

You know he was upset about something at the family gathering (isn't it odd that your DSis told you that, but not why?), but it's not OK for him to leave?

Good grief, if I was Dsis and I liked this man, I'd be wanting to keep you well away.

Upset about what exactly? His own behaviour and the fact that my sister called him out on it?

Is it our fault that he can't handle his drink?

OP posts:
LondonLady1980 · 25/07/2025 13:50

You sound overly invested, over dramatic and you are overreacting.

Nothing you have said would make me dislike someone.

It sounds like you are actively choosing not to like him and are looking for ways to justify it.

The whole thing is really strange.

Are you a Bridgerton Fan? You’re coming across a bit like Kate Sharma in Series 2……are you harbouring feelings for him?

Your behaviour around the changed date of the party was really bizarre. I have absolutely no idea why you didn’t clarify things rather than purposefully not go just so you could paint him as a Bad Guy.

ConfusedSloth · 25/07/2025 13:50

summerdreams19 · 25/07/2025 13:49

Upset about what exactly? His own behaviour and the fact that my sister called him out on it?

Is it our fault that he can't handle his drink?

Show quote history

You said he was upset. You said that. You don't know why he was upset but have decided he's an unreasonable dickhead for being upset. That's the point.

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