To tell my sister I don’t like her new boyfriend

[summerdreams19]

My sister has been dating her new boyfriend for around 10 months now. Initially, I thought he was fine, but I really can’t stand him anymore, and it’s affecting our relationship.

There have been a few incidents, but I’ll share a couple of examples of his behaviour.

For my sister's birthday in June, he wanted to organise a surprise dinner for her with some friends and family. He invited me, providing the time and date, which I accepted. A few days before the dinner, I ran into one of my sister's friends who was also invited, and she mentioned that the dinner had been moved to the next day. She didn’t know I was invited when she told me, and I didn’t mention it to her. My sister's boyfriend never told me about the change in plans, so I assumed I was uninvited. My sister didn’t bring it up, so I don’t think she was aware I was invited either and I chose not to tell her because I didn’t want to ruin her birthday. It’s possible he forgot, but how did he not notice I wasn’t there during or after the meal and why not mention it afterwards?!

Recently, my parents had a BBQ, and this was the second time he met our family. After a few drinks, he became very quiet and distant and wouldn’t speak with anyone (another family member tried to talk to him, but he only responded with one word answers). Eventually, he walked out without saying goodbye to anyone or thanking my parents for the invite. I understand that sometimes people make mistakes when they’ve had a drink, but it’s still early days and he should have been on his best behaviour imo.

My sister has also spent time with his family, and I can’t imagine what they would think if she acted that way.

Usually, I would keep my opinions to myself, but my sister, my nieces, and I spend a lot of time together, and I’ve been avoiding them because he’s always around (either at the house or joining us), and I just can’t bite my tongue or be fake with him. She keeps asking to meet up but I just make excuses.

AIBU

YABU

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time OP. I wouldn’t say anything yet, you don’t want to push your sister away.

I’m sorry to hear you went through this too, but please don’t suggest that my grief is the cause of my feelings towards this man. My emotions stem from his behaviour, not from my partner.

Can you identify the 'haters' @Pessismistic?
I've only heard that term used by teenage neices and can't see any of that.
Unless you're so close minded you see someone nor having an identical view to you as a 'hater'?

Well, I think he sounds like a tedious twat. But pp are right, you can’t say that to your sister at this point, and you have kind of suggested in th OP that you might come out with it to his face. Could you a) suggest something that you know he won’t want to do or b) do something that you can also invite a friend to, for support and so you can bite your tongue if necessary and cross check with the friend afterwards about impressions?

No, that was in reply to your comment suggesting that I’m a toxic person just because I'm single. Maybe you should consider your words before you say them.

You emotions might, but your behaviour, sulking rather than talking to them about the birthday, avoiding seeing your sister, is not reasonable or normal.

He sounds like a weirdo, for sure.

I'm going to take a break from this discussion now. Unfortunately, some people have deemed it acceptable to make jokes about my partner and resort to personal insults to make their point. I can't engage with that. It's quite low. While I understand that people have varying opinions, I simply cannot accept personal insults.

Thank you to all who took the time to share their thoughts.

I get what you're saying about the BBQ. He had a strop over your sister criticising his social performance and was rude to your parents. That sounds emotionally immature, although some people are extremely shy and really shouldn't be pushed.

I don't understand the birthday one though, I'd have assumed he'd forgotten to tell me the date change and just messaged him straight away. I think that situation has become a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

Just stay in touch with your sister, do things both individually and with him, see how things go. Could be a guy, might just be an awkward one, hard to tell from what you've said.

One word replies.. huffing and flouncing, he sounds an absolute man child.
The birthday meal thing - that’s more tricky, it does sound sneakily deliberate to me, given the flouncing, but I would probably have sent him a message saying “I’ve heard the date has changed, is that the case ? You must have forgotten to let me know” type of thing, as I wouldn’t have wanted to miss my sister’s event.
It’s odd that neither he nor your sister have mentioned you not being there. You could also have sent a text “I’m at the restaurant, there isn’t a booking and nobody else is here” ..
At the moment you just have to wait and see what else happens, but in my experience people who make no effort with their girl/boy friend’s family are usually the kind of people who bit by bit make it difficult for their partner to see their family and use moods as a way of controlling their partners.
Perhaps don’t say anything yet to your sister yet, but watch him and note his behaviour around your family.

With regards to the party I would have contacted him when I found that out to check. Doesn't sound like he did it on purpose and he could have just be mortified when he realised.

Similarly he might have realised he had too much to drink and panicked a bit not wanting to make a show of himself.

Honestly there's a good number of occasions when I've been drinking where I wish I'd just quietly left!

He's a knob.

If I was your sister I would have dumped him for the behaviour at your parent's house.

I get where you’re coming from. They aren’t glaring red flags, but maybe amber ones. I think you’re perhaps being a bit overprotective of your sister (and I don’t think that’s a bad thing), but I don’t think saying something now OR backing away from your sister at this point is a good idea. Keep close and non judgmental so she has you to confide in if she needs to. He might yet prove himself as a positive addition to the family, or not. But if you go on guns blazing now over these minor things, you’ll risk isolating your sister and making her more vulnerable to anything untoward x

I think the family event behaviour is a red flag, if not for being abusive it’s certainly the type of red flag stuff that appears on the youtube red and green flag man’s videos!

Most of those men are ‘just’ shit boyfriends/partners/husbands. most of us hope for better for our loved ones.

His behaviour wasn’t ‘being quiet’, it was being a drain at best. If he behaves like that in front of people what might he be like in private?

This exactly you. I’m replying to the op not you. She’s been slated because she has an opinion and my opinion is similar to hers. Why do you need to ask me? If your read all the posts some are being horrible to her so I’m saying ignore them. My opinion.

So, it's fine for me to have the opinion that you and OP are the haters here then? Because you've both been far more rude and unkind than any other posters on here.

@ConfusedSloth

We haven’t been rude to anyone. In fact, some people have made personal insults towards me.

Whatever point you wanted to make, you’ve made it. I think it’s best we agree to disagree on this occasion.

I don’t think so because I’m only replying to the op. Your taking it personal I probably didn’t even read your comment I read the ones the op replied to and some were nasty.

I disagree. I think you've been extremely rude. You've also then lied to try to make yourself a victim.

"it seems you're determined to place the blame on me" (This isn't true)
"Did you not read my original post?" (Yes, they did)
"Upset about what exactly?"
"Is it our fault that he can't handle his drink?"
"Why are you twisting my words? That's not what I said." (It was exactly what you said)
"Are you being deliberately obtuse? I can’t really tell."
"I thought I made that clear in my earlier posts."
"Why are you exhibiting such aggression? Please calm down." (They weren't at all aggressive)
"It is quite strange that I was there and witnessed the events, yet I am considered incorrect, while you were not present and yet you are deemed correct and aware of what happened." (This was in response to a discussion of something you explicitly said)
"I won't be replying to you any further"
"Sadly, many women justify men's unacceptable behavior, and this discussion illustrates that."
"Maybe you should consider your words before you say them."
"Unfortunately, some people have deemed it acceptable to make jokes about my partner and resort to personal insults to make their point." (This was actually a lie)"

No one has even come close to be as rude to you as you've been to them. You've refused to accept that YABU on this, latched onto the one person who agrees with you and accused everyone else of a whole host of completely untrue things. On top of that, you've refused to explain the holes in your story and then got angry when people don't accept your clearly untrue version.

@ConfusedSloth

I haven't been dishonest about anything. Unfortunately, some individuals have made hurtful remarks, including labeling me as toxic and joking about my single status, as well as suggesting that I'm projecting my grief onto my sister's boyfriend, which is simply untrue. I truly regret that you feel this way or that you felt compelled to scrutinise all my comments individually. I've attempted to clarify the situation to you numerous times, but it seems you don't believe me and are determined to defend your position. At this moment, I'm not quite sure what you expect me to say. I sincerely apologise if I've upset you in any way.

I hope we can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Even with all the OP's drip-feeds, nothing the boyfriend does seems abnormal, let alone offensive.

He forgot to tell OP about the birthday date change. Forgetting happens! Organising your partner's social circle rather than yours is stressful and balls get dropped. I'm sure 100% of people who've tried to organise a "surprise party" for their partner have accidentally left someone out. Luckily the OP found out about the date change anyway. Unluckily she decided to huff and not go anyway - talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.

As for the BBQ, I have borne witness to countless incidences of that unforgivable sin of "being a bit quiet at a social gathering" - indeed I have been the one being unusually quiet. There are countless reasons why this might happen and they have mostly been covered. It's OK to feel a bit awkward and interrogated. It's OK to feel down for a separate reason. It's OK if you're under the weather. It's OK if you get a bit drunker than you thought, and if that's the case then quietly absenting yourself is the ideal thing to do rather than carry on!

Usually if I notice someone being a bit quiet at a party I send them a quick message afterwards to check they're doing OK generally. Obviously this isn't the OP's style.

Respectfully, I don't believe your apology and I don't expect one from you. That's just not what the discussion is about. No one wants to upset anyone here but you asked a question and have refused to accept the answer.

I also think it's very unfair to say you've been polite and then get offended when I "scruntinise" your comments by providing a dozen examples of you being rude.

You haven't once answered my question. I have asked again and again and again why he was upset before your sister said anything to him. You haven't answered. You said he wasn't upset but, if he weren't upset, why would your sister tell him to "cheer up"? You've not clarified it at all. Clearly he was upset beforehand, and you don't know why. You're determined to see him in the worst possible light.

It's also not fair to present someone asking if you're single as joking about your partner dying from cancer. No one knew your partner had passed away or the circumstances and no one joked about that at all. That's you twisting what was said. It was questioned (not delicately, for sure) if this behaviour could be because you're single - and, to be honest, there's probably truth in that. No one made any joke at all when you said about your partner. You then got a very kind and understanding comment from someone who you'd previously been rude to saying they'd gone through the same and saying that they think it could explain why you're not acting reasonably - you responded to that kindness with another rude attack on them. When they're in the same situation that you're expecting everyone to immediately be extremely pleasant to you because you're in.

It's clear you've not behaved well on this thread and it's also clear you've not behaved well with respect to your sister's boyfriend. Turning around and making everyone else the problem and storming off when you don't hear what you want to hear is probably half the problem (if not more than half).

I was diagnosed with bowel cancer almost six years ago so I do feel a connection to your sorrow and pain - but that doesn't change anything else about your post. I maintain that YABU in your judgement of this man and seem desperate for him to be an awful person when everything you've said could be easily explained. Your behaviour is harder to explain.

My god @ConfusedSloth how much more of your time are you willing to dedicate to this?! You’re like a dog with a bloody bone; creating your own hypothetical perspectives, writing scripts, analysing posts, accusing, scrutinising timelines etc.

None of it matters. She wants to know whether or not to tell her sister that she hates her boyfriend. You’ve spectacularly missed the point.

p.s you are the definition of ‘hard work’.

Thank you @heroinechic I didn’t realise every comment I made would be picked apart and I’m exhausted with it.