To tell my sister I don’t like her new boyfriend

[summerdreams19]

My sister has been dating her new boyfriend for around 10 months now. Initially, I thought he was fine, but I really can’t stand him anymore, and it’s affecting our relationship.

There have been a few incidents, but I’ll share a couple of examples of his behaviour.

For my sister's birthday in June, he wanted to organise a surprise dinner for her with some friends and family. He invited me, providing the time and date, which I accepted. A few days before the dinner, I ran into one of my sister's friends who was also invited, and she mentioned that the dinner had been moved to the next day. She didn’t know I was invited when she told me, and I didn’t mention it to her. My sister's boyfriend never told me about the change in plans, so I assumed I was uninvited. My sister didn’t bring it up, so I don’t think she was aware I was invited either and I chose not to tell her because I didn’t want to ruin her birthday. It’s possible he forgot, but how did he not notice I wasn’t there during or after the meal and why not mention it afterwards?!

Recently, my parents had a BBQ, and this was the second time he met our family. After a few drinks, he became very quiet and distant and wouldn’t speak with anyone (another family member tried to talk to him, but he only responded with one word answers). Eventually, he walked out without saying goodbye to anyone or thanking my parents for the invite. I understand that sometimes people make mistakes when they’ve had a drink, but it’s still early days and he should have been on his best behaviour imo.

My sister has also spent time with his family, and I can’t imagine what they would think if she acted that way.

Usually, I would keep my opinions to myself, but my sister, my nieces, and I spend a lot of time together, and I’ve been avoiding them because he’s always around (either at the house or joining us), and I just can’t bite my tongue or be fake with him. She keeps asking to meet up but I just make excuses.

AIBU

Your sister has been with this man for 10 months so she obviously really likes/loves him.

The two incidents you mentioned are a bit odd but they are hardly “so awful they should split up” territory.

If my sister loved someone I’d tend to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I certainly wouldn’t be avoiding her.

Why didn't you turn up to dinner on the new day OP?

You write the examples as if these were the only times you met or interacted with him, which can’t be the case? Presumably you have other reasons to dislike him.

Why are you twisting my words? That's not what I said. I said that he was upset because one of my family members was trying to talk to him, and he was being rude with his one word answers. So, my sister privately told him to cheer up and put in a bit more effort, and he went in a mood and walked out.

How do you anticipate that this situation will improve if you are actively avoiding your sister and her partner and hankering after an apology that probably won’t be forthcoming?

I actively dislike my SIL, but I tolerate her and I’m friendly towards her because she’s with my brother and I love him. I also recognise that she’s not my partner, so it’s not really my business.

If you value your relationship with your sister you’ll keep quiet and get over it.

Is it his fault you sulked over the birthday?

Why does any of it need to be someone's fault. He had a bad day in what (for many) would be a stressful situation.

Your sister has got over it and she knows him and the background. Talk to her about it, but don't tell her you don't like him, unless you want to destroy your relationship with her.

What do you expect to happen if you tell her you don't like him. Will she dump him? Will she make arrangements to always see you without him? Will any of that make her happy? What do you want to happen?

He sounds a bit awkward and perhaps lacking in social skills. I know a surprising amount of people who would rather sneak out of an event without going through the social necessities of giving everyone a hug and a kiss goodbye if they can get away with it. Myself included.

its also possible that he simply forgot to mention the change of plan or naively assumed someone else would tell you.

I don’t think any of his actions sound as though they were intentional

I'm not twisting anything.

You said he was upset. PP said he was upset. You got annoyed at PP for saying he was upset. ...but you said he was upset.

You don't actually know why he was upset. You've decided it's because a family member was speaking to him but that makes no sense. Why would that upset him? Why would someone who is voluntarily in a social situation with nothing else going on be upset that someone is speaking to them in a polite, normal manner? That doesn't make sense.

I struggle in social situations. I'd have been doing my best and probably had a few drinks to try and help. If someone who's supposed to care about me had put me in that situation , then criticised my best effort, I'd have probably burst into tears. Walking out must be preferable?

@heroinechic

The reality is that my parents share my feelings, so I'm uncertain if we can simply act as if everything is fine. It has become quite uncomfortable now.

He sounds very childish tbh at 39 I wonder if he’s just interested in the sister and doesn’t really care about her family he was rude. I’m sure your sister would have spoken to him about it. This is poor behaviour so early on in the relationship but I don’t know why people are having a go at the op. She came on here for advice she hasn’t said she wants them to split up so far she doesn’t like him and that’s her right.

Honestly, I sympathise. It’s shit when your sibling chooses a twat, because then that twat gets inserted into your life, possibly forever more (my brother married her!)

But I really think you need to focus on what matters, which is your relationship with your sister and your nieces. Your family needs to accept that they don’t (and shouldn’t) have control over your sister’s romantic partners. If you ostracise him, you’ll ostracise her.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? I can’t really tell.

I never claimed he was upset due to my family member speaking to him. Of course, he wasn't, that wouldn't make any sense at all.

He was upset because my sister asked him to lighten up and put in more effort, as he was being rude to our family member, only replying with one word answers while she was attempting to speak to him.

I thought I made that clear in my earlier posts.

You sound a bit odd. It's on you for not checking when someone told you the dinner date had changed -- presumably he just thought you hadn't turned up? And him leaving the barbecue abruptly sounds like the result of an altercation between him and your sister. Perhaps he found the questions from the family member intrusive if he was giving short replies?

Either way, it certainly doesn't seem like (a) a reason to dislike him or (b) to tell your sister so.

Maybe he's just socially awkward/anxious and couldn't cope with endless questions and chat. It can feel like an interrogation!

Why are you so invested anyway? Your sister has made her choice

Get over yourself. Seriously.

If you start making a mountain out of all this nonsense there’s only 3 people who will lose out and that’s you and your parents.

Keep your mouth closed.

You don’t have to like him but that doesn’t mean you have to turn him into a villain either.

Just keep your opinions to yourself (or keep bitching about him with your parents which I’m sure you enjoy) but put a smile on your face in his and your sister’s presence.

She’s an adult, respect her decision to be with him and do not try and force her into any kind of ultimatum or put her in a situation where she feels she has to choose between him and you/your parents, because you won’t be the one who gets chosen.

If i disliked my sisters new bf I'd be stuck to her like glue and taking any and everything invitation up, like fuck would I leave her to it.
Kill with kindness op, make sure there's an invitation either way once a month, make sure your presence is known, visable, in his face and ramp it up if his behaviour escalates.

You said that exact thing. Twice.

You said: "He was upset because another family member was trying to talk to him" and "I said that he was upset because one of my family members was trying to talk to him".

And, as I've said several times now, you have no idea why that was. You do not know why he was upset and giving one word answers. You've decided that it was for absolutely no reason at all - which is pretty unlikely, isn't it?

I'm not being obtuse because I don't immediately buy your updated version of events (because you weren't the answer you wanted) when it doesn't make any sense.

I'm not obtuse - I think you're wrong. There's a difference. I think you're obtuse to not understand why so many replies think YABU and are a much bigger problem than he is.

Why are you exhibiting such aggression? Please calm down.

Where have I stated that we want them to separate? I haven’t. The truth is we feel uncomfortable in his presence, and we are entitled to that feeling.

You're entitled to any feeling you like. Making out that he's to blame for your feelings is something very different - and you're not entitled to do that.

YABU to tell her you don’t like him… it’s non of your business and she doesn’t need your blessing. If she asks that’s different but if she doesn’t then no you shouldn’t say anything

Yes, I know why he was upset, my sister told me about it. I was present when my family member tried to speak with him. She didn't say anything that could have upset or offended him. He was upset because my sister called him out on his behaviour.

I've tried to clarify the situation, but it seems you're determined to prove me wrong.

Well I assume you want to tell her that you don’t like him, that you don’t feel comfortable in his presence and therefore don’t want to spend time with him?

If that’s not putting her in a position where moving forwards she’ll have to choose between spending time with him and spending time with you then I don’t know what is?

Do you actually think she’s going to smile happily and say “That’s okay Sis, I just won’t bring him to any family events anymore then. Your feelings are more important than the fact I love him and that I want to be with him.”

Do you genuinely believe that you telling her that you don’t like her boyfriend is going to lead to something positive?!

Baffling.

You are, absolutely, entitled to that feeling. That feeling, however, is yours to manage, not your sister's problem.

It is quite strange that I was there and witnessed the events, yet I am considered incorrect, while you were not present and yet you are deemed correct and aware of what happened.