To tell my sister I don’t like her new boyfriend

[summerdreams19]

My sister has been dating her new boyfriend for around 10 months now. Initially, I thought he was fine, but I really can’t stand him anymore, and it’s affecting our relationship.

There have been a few incidents, but I’ll share a couple of examples of his behaviour.

For my sister's birthday in June, he wanted to organise a surprise dinner for her with some friends and family. He invited me, providing the time and date, which I accepted. A few days before the dinner, I ran into one of my sister's friends who was also invited, and she mentioned that the dinner had been moved to the next day. She didn’t know I was invited when she told me, and I didn’t mention it to her. My sister's boyfriend never told me about the change in plans, so I assumed I was uninvited. My sister didn’t bring it up, so I don’t think she was aware I was invited either and I chose not to tell her because I didn’t want to ruin her birthday. It’s possible he forgot, but how did he not notice I wasn’t there during or after the meal and why not mention it afterwards?!

Recently, my parents had a BBQ, and this was the second time he met our family. After a few drinks, he became very quiet and distant and wouldn’t speak with anyone (another family member tried to talk to him, but he only responded with one word answers). Eventually, he walked out without saying goodbye to anyone or thanking my parents for the invite. I understand that sometimes people make mistakes when they’ve had a drink, but it’s still early days and he should have been on his best behaviour imo.

My sister has also spent time with his family, and I can’t imagine what they would think if she acted that way.

Usually, I would keep my opinions to myself, but my sister, my nieces, and I spend a lot of time together, and I’ve been avoiding them because he’s always around (either at the house or joining us), and I just can’t bite my tongue or be fake with him. She keeps asking to meet up but I just make excuses.

AIBU

The answer to that question is "sure, if she doesn't mind wrecking her relationship with her sister" because there doesn't really seem to be a solid reason that she hates him. The sister isn't going to respond that the scales have fallen from her eyes and she suddenly sees him for what he is... someone who was checks notes a bit quiet at a BBQ

Yes, I agree and have said as much.

You deserve it. You and other posters were accusing OP of being jealous of her sister's relationship because she must be single.

So there’s been two fairly minor incidents that have niggled you, you can certainly judge him internally for that - but they’re not red-flag relationship-breakup material, so to answer your question, no I would not speak to your sister now. The logical thing to do would be to seek out more meetups with him, not less, so that you can either get confirmation of your initial thoughts and more justification for them, or you can be reassured that actually your sister chose him for a reason and he’s an ok chap, albeit maybe not the one you would choose for yourself. Hopefully you would do all this with an open mind, and not have pre-condemned him forever.

If after a period of time spent with him, you confirm he’s not your cup of tea, you can suggest to your sister that you would like to have more girls nights together. Or you can tell her outright. But be prepared for it to affect your relationship with your sister.

The first incident I don't consider an incident as you knew the date had been changed, so basically you purposefully missed your sisters birthday to make a point. He might have forgot to tell you but when you didn't show up on original date and then query and then if he mentioned "oh dammit I must've forgot to tell summerdreams, wonder why she didn't say anything yesterday", and DSis friend said "I saw her the other day and told her the new date." You would have seemed like a right sulker.

The second incident is a red flag but the biggest red flag is that the fact she's been seeing him 10 months and is never without him even though she has kids. How old are the kids?

So he's a bit dopey and messed dinner plans up, and maybe a little socially awkward after a drink? Maybe he felt himself getting tipsy and was trying to keep quiet incase he embarrassed himself? Also, why didn't you just message him when you realised the date had changed?

I'm really struggling to see how things like this are affecting your relationship with your sister.

If my sibling approached me with these complaints I'd tell him to stop being a little weirdo! 😅

Your sister is in a bit of a tough spot here.

Clearly she likes him or she wouldn't be with him, but if she's picking him up on his attitude and lack of effort at a family gathering, she's obviously also aware of his behaviour.

I very much doubt telling her you don't like him will improve matters for her at all.

That said, what also won't help is you backing off and avoiding meet ups when she's asking to see you.

If you really don't feel like you can be around him at the moment, can you ask her if you can see her on her own? Maybe suggest shopping or some sort of 'girls' day?

You might have to suck it up, OP. If she chooses him for a long-term partner, he could be around for decades.

You can think her a fool for putting up with him all you like, but it's not your choice to make.

👍

There’s nothing you can say to your sister here that will make her break up with him and anything you do say will negatively affect your relationship with her. I’d really try to let both instances go and make more effort to get to know him. My best friend and her family sound similar where they are lovely but I find it tiring to be in their company for a long time because you have to be sparky and “on” as they are like that and anything less than what they are used to has been known to cause offence. Of course, he might just be a knob but I think you really need to give him the benefit of the doubt, keep your feelings to yourself and remain neutral in your conversations about him with your other family members because your sister will be hurt and distance herself from you if she finds out you have been gossiping behind her back.

You’re worried that maybe he isn’t a nice person, and actually on the birthday you utterly fell into his trap.

1. He ‘forgot’ to tell you
2. If you hadn’t met friend and had phoned from the restaurant he would have apologized, but you as a minimum were inconvenienced, it still weren’t at the party and your sister assumed you couldn’t be arsed.
3. But the friend will have said “Oh, but I told her!” so in his version you knew about the party and snubbed your sister. That was the intention, to make it shut for your sister and have a reason to rubbish her family.

You need to get way way smarter, if you’re going to get rid of him.

You are completely unreasonable with regards to the first example. Any normal person would have messaged him to check re the date change. Instead you chose to cut off your own nose to spite your face and you missed your sister’s meal as a result. Totally needless.

As for why he didn’t bring up your absence afterwards, well, he probably still didn’t realise he hadn’t updated you re the date change and thinks you deliberately snubbed the event for some reason. So case of, least said, soonest mended. Imagine how he’d feel if he knew you DID know about the date change but had taken the huff at his innocent mistake and just not bothered to come?

You sound like a very rigid and inflexible person who makes no allowances for other people making mistakes or forgetting things - eg, being human.

I see from your responses to other posters on the thread you’re simply doubling down on your position and not taking anything on board. I pity your sister and this poor sod.

You could look at it like he engineered it so her sister wouldn’t come to the dinner and at the bbq went quiet because he didn’t like seeing his gf enjoying herself and left in a huff as he wasn’t getting enough attention - typical narcissist behaviour

OR it was just a genuine mistake that he forgot to tell you (easily done) especially if he’s not very organised - and the party could be a whole host of reasons why he left without saying goodbye.
trusting your gut instinct is probably the right thing to do in general but with the little info we have, I couldn’t call it.

I have no idea if you are unreasonable in your dislike of this man but don't tell your sister you don't like him. That will destroy your relationship as she will get defensive, probably say similar things that have been said in this thread and there will be a big fall out.

You've just got to continue being civil with him, stop avoiding her and get to know him better. If he is a wrongun, then your sister will know she can turn to you when it goes tits up and if he isn't, then maybe he will grow on you. Keep your friends close and all that.

I am genuinely baffled by some of these responses. Not sure what to make of the birthday but the bbq he was rude af. Whether you are upset or had an argument you plaster a face on and be civil. You don’t just walk out in a huff without a word to anyone. It’s a huge red flag and I wouldn’t put up with it from my partner.

Why did you not just message or phone him about the change in date for the surprise dinner? I think it’s weird that you just assumed you were uninvited.

As for the bbq- did you consider that there might have been a reason for him retreating? Maybe he had just gotten bad news, maybe he was feeling ill, maybe your family is very overwhelming…. Again, you made an assumption about him… why did you not just phone your sister the next day and ask if everything was ok with David as you noticed he was very quiet at the end.

Homestly op, you sound like hard work. You hate this guy because you keep jumping to conclusions / making assumptions without ever using your words to check.

Having read all of OP’s updates and the context she has provided I think some posters here have been deliberately harsh with her. Everything you have explained makes sense and I would have had the exact same feelings as you. He was rude and weird on both occasions and I can see why Op is having the feelings she is having. I do think that with regards to the birthday date change, the better way to handle it is to message him and co form if there is a change. He might have done it deliberately, he might have forgotten, but you missed an opportunity to confirm what happened by staying quiet. The BBQ - there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. I don’t think anyone else would have seen it differently if they were at the BBQ and some posters are being deliberately obtuse about it.

The only thing I would say is that he seems to be picking fights with all of your sister’s relatives to the point where everyone is uncomfortable with him. I would watch out that he is not trying to isolate her from you by picking random fights and acting weird. I would have initially said that it’s not a bad idea to speak to your sister, however be careful that it doesn’t turn into a conversation where your sister hears how you are all against him. Stay as close to your sister as possible and I would go as far to say try and spend more time with both of them so you can see what’s going on. You are absolutely right to be concerned, just be careful how you convey that to her and perhaps spending more time with them when they invite you will provide more opportunities for her to see that something is not right with him (or perhaps that it was a one off).

Perhaps the bf also ran into your sisters friends and she assured him that she’d told you about the date change. So he knew you knew. Maybe he got drunk at the party. Yabu

It’s a toughy, on the one hand I can see how him changing the meal arrangements and not telling you would not only feel hurtful but would also raise questions, BUT there may have been a genuine reason behind it. Perhaps he forgot to notify every single guest or told someone else to pass the message on for example. We simply don’t know if it was malicious exclusion or an oversight.

the bbq, I agree, his behaviour was impolite at best and it’s considered rude to leave without acknowledging the hosts at the very least (especially OH’s family 😬), perhaps it was the ‘I’m going to ruin this occasion and distance OH from her family’ from the abusers handbook OR theres a valid reason he was withdrawn in the first place and not engaging people. Maybe he and sis had a barney right before arriving, he had some bad news, something had upset him etc.

I wouldn’t throw a spanner in the works based on 2 questionable occasions, we need more context I think. OP Are there any other instances you can think of that have raised alarm bells for you or your family?

You lost me here.
@Lambswools was trying to be empathetic and helpful. You shut her down quite rudely.

i don’t really know why you have started this thread, OP. You seem determined to dislike DSis BF, you reject any explanations for his ‘behaviour’, you can’t accept that the non altered invitation could have been a misunderstanding….

Here’s a possible explanation for the BBQ. You were standing there glowering at him, he got very uncomfortable so couldn’t pay attention to the other relative’s questioning, DSis told him off for the his discomfort, so he legged it.

He must love your sister to be persisting , but he is. If I was him ( or his friends or even total strangers on an anonymous forum, I would be thinking about the possibility of very LC with her family).

You’re overreacting and taking things too personally.

It's frankly awful how you've been spoken to on this thread.

OK, I'm someone whos been your sister. And the short version is my sister/family stuck their beak in, at a time when it wasn't wanted, and we all fell out. For years. The sad part was, he was a real ahole, and we wouldn't have lasted anyways. But part of staying together was their hatred of him. It banded us together "us versus them."

My sister later told me her learnings from what happened-she shouldn't have stuck her beak in and she regretted it. She should have supported me, having the faith that I'm a good person and I'd see the truth eventually.

Your sister is in a new relationship. Showing him off. Starry eyed. The rose tinted glasses. Your decision to cut her off will only support his actions. It will alienate her. He'll love that. "Them versus you/family."

You have to carry on as normal, and keep your opinion to yourself.

And have faith in time, because she's your good sister, that she will see him as what he is. It seems like this has already started.

By turning up for her, and keeping stum, that's you giving him the finger and helping her.

My brother had an awful partner like this. She was in her late 20s and used to throw strops and tantrums if she didn't get her way etc, it was mortifying.

Anyway, we said nothing. Eventually he came to his senses after one day she called my mother on the phone screaming at her. Then we were there for him to pick up the pieces.

I say this to say, we didn't want to push him away and further into her arms. Which is exactly what she wanted. So just be careful not to do that with your sister, which you might if you're honest about your feelings.

OP, I think in your shoes I would trust your gut regarding this man. I am not sure how your relay is with your sister? I wouldn’t say anything to her, just be there for her is she needs you. You don’t want to fall out with her.

Generally it's best to assume the best of people rather than the worst when you are getting to know them. Maybe he was just disorganised with the birthday dinner, maybe it was always going to be the day after and he originally gave you the wrong date by mistake. I can't imagine why you'd take the huff and miss your own sister's birthday instead of just messaging "hey Nigel, I just ran into Barbara and she said Clarice's birthday dinner is next Thursday but I have Wednesday in my diary, which date did you book at the restaurant?". And maybe he wasn't on top form at the family bbq, had too many drinks and realised he needed to leave before he disgraced himself!

You and your family sound determined to take offence and see things negatively. Assume the best and be kind, you don't know how others are feeling or what they have going on. Yes, some people will still turn out to be twats but at least give them the benefit of the doubt.

For christs sake why is everyone siding with the sister's bf?! He's clearly an arsehole who wants the sister to himself and is aiming to isloate her from her family. He is not interested in them. The birthday dinner thing was clearly deliberate.