This was not a double booking!!

[autienotnaughty]

I have close friend of 40+ years, our families were very close when we were growing up her mam and dad were like an auntie and uncle to me etc.
when we were about 15 her cousin was born, we loved visiting and she was even flower girl at my wedding 7 years later. In the last 20 years I have remained close to my friend but rarely see her extended family. Every couple years we might do a weekend away and her cousin (now adult) will come.
A couple of years ago at my friends 50th, cousin was talking about her wedding (recently engaged no date set) she said we (the general group not her cousin) would be invited to the evening do. Very kind of her to include us.

This year I received an invite to her hen do which is in august, sadly I can’t attend due to health issues so I declined.
i then received a invite to the evening do and typical I’m at a show that evening, it’s a one off event that we got tickets for about 18 months ago. It was something I got for my husband as a gift.
Now we could miss the event and take the financial loss or try to sell tickets (bought locally so can’t just do it on Ticketmaster) but I’d feel bad for dh as there are two other events I couldn’t attend due to my health issues so, one we resold tickets on tm the other dh took his brother. Plus dh has never met friends cousin so naturally he’s less bother for wedding.
So I messaged cousin and apologised and said we had a prior commitment, she was fine but when I spoke to my friend she was off with me. Mentioned something about how could I have double booked? But I booked this event before bride had mentioned a date or even a year. So I don’t think I did double book? Should I have given up the event?

YANBU. Send her a screenshot of the booking confirmation email showing the date it was booked.

Do not take the financial hit and go have fun at the show. Evening dos aren't like attending the actual wedding anyway.

Just tell her you booked your event several months before you knew of the wedding date.

Surely that's not too much for someone to get their head round?

I guess she's disappointed but make it clear your event was in the diary first.

And of course you wouldn't book something else knowingly on the wedding evening.

Send a screenshot?

That's nuts, the friend can run and jump if she doesn't want to believe OP or thinks she should put her life on hold for possible invites

This. Your friend is so completely unreasonable, OP.

How does she not understand? It's not that unusual to have bookings for events at various dates in the future.

We have tickets booked a year in advance for a gig in Crete, there's no way we could just sell those tickets and recoup our money even if we wanted to. Which we wouldn't.

It's a friendship of over 40+ years, not everyone wants to throw away a long standing close friendship.

Yanbu. Its not your friends wedding but her cousins. Bit werid for her to expect you to drop your plans for a wedding do for someone your not close too.

If they're that close, the friend should believe OP without proof. She's showing mother of the bride syndrome without even being the mother. It's not a good look.

Do not send her a screenshot.

You've declined politely and for good reason. You don't need to do anything more.

I wouldn’t be sending her any screenshots. She’s not OP’s BOSS. OP doesn’t need to justify herself to an entitled friend.

Either friend accepts the perfectly reasonable explanation or not, and if she doesn’t, there are bigger issues in the friendship.

It's not throwing it away. Have you misunderstood the OP? It's not the friend's wedding, it's the friend's cousin's wedding and the cousin is okay about things. If anyone is throwing a friendship away (by behaving idiotically), it's the friend.

No, I haven't misunderstood the OP, how patronising.

"No, I didn't double book"

Don't feed the flames, just give her a bit of space to move on from it. No you shouldn't have cancelled your show.

I wonder if your friend is having an emotional reaction to something inside her own head, rather than to your actions as such. Could it be that she was hoping you'd be there to be company for her?

I have only been invited to the evening do for one wedding, I didn't go.

I think if you declined the hen do and the wedding invite and didn't suggest anything else then she is probably wondering if more is going on. She probably thinks you don't see yourselves as close as she does and is upset.

I think when it became clear you were going to decline both events you should have reached out with an offer of dinner or something to celebrate separately, rather than just turning down the invite.

Yanbu. If friend normally reasonable then I would take it to mean she is disappointed you are not attending and being a bit huffy. You have done nothing wrong, explain timing of booking so she is aware if you find it helpful but I expect friend knows and she will already be over it, or slightly embarrassed at her message.

Whether she thinks it is a double booking or not is irrelevant.

You have something on, something where you (as a couple) won't be letting anyone else down if you don't attend. So essentially you have to make a decision on what is more important to you between the two events.

One off event vs wedding evening do (only evening guest but also one off)
Loss of cost of ticket vs celebrating a wedding
etc

You will see the importance of each decision very differently from your friend as she is closer to the wedding so that is her priority. Your priorities may be different, and she might take time to not see that as perhaps a person slight.

I'd probably pick the show too, as evening do weddings when you are not as close to many people there are dull. Hope your friend will come to realise that when she gets over her disappointment you can't go, and it doesn't (it shouldn't) impact your friendship with her and her family.

Your friend is probably a bit hurt but not behaving well.

Whether you send screenshots or just an explanation, you could temper it with something like:

"I am actually so disappointed at the clash - but I've let DH down a lot recently, so this has to take priority. Can we please arrange a special day, just the three of us? Afternoon Tea somewhere or something as I'd really like to celebrated xxx's special day."

"I am so sorry to be missing your big day but many months ago I booked an event as a birthday treat for DH, something he really has wanted to do and looked forward to, and which we cannot re-arrange. He has missed so much due to my health issues. Of course I feel very conflicted but I know you will have a fantastic time , and we send our love"

Your friend is being quite ridiculous, really - it is her cousin and you re not directly connected to the cousin.

No way would I be providing 'proof' - that's ridiculous.

I did say that and then she made the double booking comment!

Yanbu and she is not a friend if she disbelives you.

I doubt it, her husband , kids, sister and family etc are all going.

Reiterate it again in a text. Say how it's disappointing but unavoidable. She shouldn't be guilt tripping you about it. You're not the bloody bride! You weren't even invited to the wedding proper. Don't fall out over it but equally don't allow her to talk bad of you.

Apologise in writing and send a wedding gift toot sweet.
Bad luck that the two events clashed.