This was not a double booking!!

[autienotnaughty]

I have close friend of 40+ years, our families were very close when we were growing up her mam and dad were like an auntie and uncle to me etc.
when we were about 15 her cousin was born, we loved visiting and she was even flower girl at my wedding 7 years later. In the last 20 years I have remained close to my friend but rarely see her extended family. Every couple years we might do a weekend away and her cousin (now adult) will come.
A couple of years ago at my friends 50th, cousin was talking about her wedding (recently engaged no date set) she said we (the general group not her cousin) would be invited to the evening do. Very kind of her to include us.

This year I received an invite to her hen do which is in august, sadly I can’t attend due to health issues so I declined.
i then received a invite to the evening do and typical I’m at a show that evening, it’s a one off event that we got tickets for about 18 months ago. It was something I got for my husband as a gift.
Now we could miss the event and take the financial loss or try to sell tickets (bought locally so can’t just do it on Ticketmaster) but I’d feel bad for dh as there are two other events I couldn’t attend due to my health issues so, one we resold tickets on tm the other dh took his brother. Plus dh has never met friends cousin so naturally he’s less bother for wedding.
So I messaged cousin and apologised and said we had a prior commitment, she was fine but when I spoke to my friend she was off with me. Mentioned something about how could I have double booked? But I booked this event before bride had mentioned a date or even a year. So I don’t think I did double book? Should I have given up the event?

Why does she need to send screenshots. I often book holidays and events months in advance!

Doesn’t she understand that shows etc. may well be booked a long time in advance?

Dh and I once turned up at the Festival Hall for a concert booked several months previously.

We couldn’t find the right concert hall, and no wonder - we’d got the right date but were a year too early! 😂

Then how is it throwing away a friendship ? The friend is the one being unreasonable if the cousin is OK with OP not attending. OP has done nothing wrong and if friend wants to try to guilt trip her into attending then she’s not much of a friend is she ?

Was the cousin flower girl at your wedding or your friend? I was assuming the cousin but then you said your husband hadn't met her.

Well spotted my wedding to my first husband. She was invited to the evening of my second wedding (7years ago) but she was on holiday.

Leave it. If she continues to be off with you then ask her why.

It’s not the friend’s wedding. It’s her cousins’. OP is close to the friend, not the cousin, and declined the hen do because of health issues. The wedding invitation is for the evening, not the wedding itself. Perfectly acceptable to decline if you have a long standing booking which clashes. Why would she need to offer dinner - especially since the cousin has no problem with it, and didn’t attend OP’s own wedding herself because she was on holiday ?

Agree with the majority here. You're not even invited to the wedding, just the evening do, so you have every right @autienotnaughty to say no because you just don't feel like it. You don't even need a reason - though you do have a good one.

She is being a diva (your friend) and it's a cousin of hers, so not even someone super close to you. I would have turned down a hen do too. Can't think of anything worse than a 21st century hen do. I bet it was a 4 day weekend abroad wasn't it?! 😬

As a pp said, she may think you're lying to get out of going (saying you have a prebooked thing to go to,) as you turned down the hen too. But you're NOT lying, and if she thinks you are, sadly, she's not the friend you thought she was. I would be giving her a wide berth for a while. 40 year friendship or not. Just because someone has been a friend for 40 years, that doesn't make them better friends that those you've only been friends with for 5 or 10 years.

Advice? Not much sorry... Just say 'sorry you don't believe me - I thought we were better friends than that. Enjoy the wedding.' Then leave the ball in her court. Don't chase after her, and DON'T change your plans.

Your friend is being like child it’s an evening party you had plans already tough you don’t miss out on your event just because she’s being off with you. You apologised to the person who invited you the friend isn’t important here. Don’t explain yourself. If she can’t get over something so small she’s not that great of a friend.

As a closer family member, your friend probably had some sort of 'save the date' much earlier than your invite. So she's not understanding that you had no idea the wedding would be on the same date (or possibly even the same month) when you bought your tickets.

This is very insightful, and I bet you’re right.

It might also feel a bit to her like you’re making excuses not to see them, even though you’re not. I would offer to arrange something nice for the 3 of you to do together before the wedding, to let them know you’re very happy to have been thought of and you want to wish her well.

“It wasn’t a double booking though, was it? I booked it long before I knew the date of the wedding!”

Not much else to say.

Why can you go to the show but not the first hen do? Maybe she just thinks you’re copping out.

To be charitable to your friend, maybe a save the date went out that you didn't receive or perhaps the date was widely discussed among family and she thought you knew.

Make it clear to her that you're disappointed but you didn't know the date of the wedding and had booked something else months in advance.

No, you didn’t double book — you had a long-standing commitment before the wedding date was even set. You’ve been thoughtful, you let the bride know politely, and your reasons are valid. It’s okay not to attend every event, especially when you’ve balanced health, finances, and fairness to your husband. If your friend is upset, it may pass — but you’ve done nothing wrong.

It’s not double booked, you already gave a prior engagement.

Double boobed us when you actually commit to two things.

But surely if the friend is thinking “If her health issues mean she can’t go the hen do, surely she can’t go to a gig?”, then by that logic, OP couldn’t go to the wedding either?

More hyperbole.

You have no advice for the OP, just rudeness to other posters.

The fact you were only invited to the evening do means the bride doesn't care that much. Doesn't matter what your friend thinks!

No - the OP has received sound advice from many on this thread. Her friend is being ridiculous as she shouldn't have to prove anything to her. I disagree with you on this and thought you may have misunderstood the OP. You chose to call me patronising. That's rude when it was nothing of the sort. Your language is hyperbolic. If you think that's rude then so be it. But it's only your post I've responded to directly, so I haven't been rude to "other posters".

Your language is arrogant. No one needs you to explain a basic premise to them, get over yourself. You are rude and I don't wish to engage with you, so do not address any further posts to me, I won't be replying.

Wow. If you think this poster was rude you’re not going to last long on MN !!

I've been on MN for decades, doesn't mean I tolerate rudeness.

But that’s not a determination for her friend to make. OP may have a health condition, but only she can determine what she is and isn’t capable of. If the hen do was a three day foreign country event that’s a lot different from a few hours at a gig where she will be supported by her partner.