Am I treating my 14.5 yr old unfairly?

[Allergyrising]

DS is Year 9. 14.5 yrs old. Plays sport a lot - but less so in holidays. Is interested in some creative stuff but it's screen based.

While on school holidays, he has been staying up to about 1-2am - watching TV, playing a bit of games, being on his phone. I could block all his devices - we have a monitoring thing in place - but he is incredibly bullish and works on a war of attrition approach. Also, I don't want to treat him like a child - even if I still think he is one, to a certain extent.

He goes out each day with friends, but it's not for great stretches of time. He gets up mid am. He'll eat with us, he'll do a few chores, he's not head down all the time BUT he is on a screen a lot through the day into the night. Even with his phone being downstairs. He has a computer in his room.

I think it's ridiculous but I don't know if I'm out of step and need to clamp down?

In school time we're pretty strict.

Does he need to be doing any studying and isn't?
If you are having a family day out, would he make sure that he can get up and join in?
If yes, then I'd give him the leeway you are. MN, generally doesn't like gaming.

I speak to mine about balance. They do a lot of sports and they have to a long walk and a bus ride to school so they are tired a lot of the time. Some days I just want to sit on my phone or binge watch a series (not that I get the opportunity), so I'm not opposed to it, but made it clear that I was fine with them having the odd day where they can veg out but not let it become a habit and their holidays just fly by.

I would ask of an evening, what his plans are for the next day, hopefully make him a bit more intentional with his time as it's easy once you're on a screen for hours to pass, whereas if you ask him the night before he's less likely to say, I'll be on screens all day and make him potentially make more plans with friends or get out of the house.

Wee wave. 3 teens and yep they have been glued. We allowed 3 weeks of as much screen time as they liked but cut them off at 11pm as we still have to go to work and they shout at their computers.

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong. It’s the way of the world now. This generation is different to ours and we have to go with the flow. Relax, being a teenager is tough. Think back to when you were one. Screentime is their outlet. I have a 20 year old who loved his PlayStation. He is now 20, at university living a fulfilled life. He isn’t damaged. Relax a little, he sounds great.

He needs enough sleep for growth but he’s not getting correct sleep. Get him up at 10am latest everyday. If there’s a problem with this unplug the wifi and reduce his mobile phone subscription. He needs to be in bed at before midnight.

Don't sweat the small stuff it was pass. If keeping others awake shouting at games that is different.

He isn't just gaming, he is playing a sport, seeing his mates, eats with you and does his chores. It is summer holidays. Routine does go out the window a bit.

Look, we spent half our lives outside because we had 3 tv channels and only a small time slot for children's tv shows. You can look up listings for historic days to see what crap used to be on. It is both eye opening and a bit nostalgic.

This is the world we live in now. We sit in front of a screen at work, we come home, MN, binge watch tv and hopefully also see friends, eat socially, do housework usually to music or a podcast. Not all screen time is bad.

In this house we had a rule that was if you were giving it your best at school, your attitude at home was good (mainly about coming off tech for dinner, helping unload and put away supermarket shopping, your chore list etc) then you could have screen time. They learned things from youtube, it is a brilliant resource.

Mine are now 22 and 19, one at uni, one graduated uni, high academic achievers, have a nice group of mates, have lunch and dinner with us when home, chat to us.

The only thing I would suggest to all year 9 children is use this summer to watch the plays/films for the books they will be studying for GCSE for English Lit, including the 15 poems that they will be studying. Youtube for themes, breakdowns etc to give them a bit of a head start. One of them will be Shakespeare, talk about it, learn how to read it. Mr Bruff is the usual choice as a start.

I have a DD the same age and DS 12. Screens off at 10 max latest and gaming is in communal areas, but they don't really push back that much and are chuffed if allowed to stay up until 10. Long may it continue! 😅

I want to go to bed about 10.30 and definitely be asleep by 11. I have very low tolerance for anything that gets in the way of that.

That’s a really good idea about the English lit stuff this summer - thanks

yes, that would have been us when DS was that age. Things change when they get to year 9

Great tip about English Lit @Allergyrising , but please check his school's website for the GCSE English Literature exam board. We do Eduqas and I had a child do this- but she'd looked at all the AQA poems!

I think we are in for a huge health mental and physical health crisis in part down to screen use. Mine would all be on all day given the choice (all late teens). When your sons age I would limit them to a couple of hours a day. When even younger it was 4 days for 1 hour, 3 days none. Every holiday is still a screen free zone apart from a phone check up in the morning and evening.

Now 2 of them are adults when they are not working I still try and encourage other things. They have a good routine of not just gaming, they go to the gym, meet mates to play football or basketball, go to the cinema, to gigs and the pub. At home they will bake, read, play chess or other games.
Many of the kids we knew who were always allowed on screens seem to be awake all night and sleep all day. Have poor mental health, are unfit and/or overweight. I used to be seen as a bit upright about it (I probably was 😁) but still feels right.

Is this medical advice or just your opinion?

as a teenager I often got up around 11 on Saturdays. I only got up at 9 on Sundays because I worked. These days I’m up at 5( lol toddlers) but as a childless adult I got up around 830/9 if I got the choice.

id cut the WiFi at midnight if it was me,
but i dont think you should be overly concerned unless he’s opting out of family life.

2 hours a day - no chance. Regardless of my personal belief, this will neve happen

He doesn't sound particularly like he's causing problems , yet.

Also, I don't want to treat him like a child - even if I still think he is one, to a certain extent. This attitude, coupled with lack of sleep, will make it more likely he does.

You're still directing the time of your adult children?

DS2 is 16. He does various things - sport, hanging out with mates, Xbox etc. In general I don’t worry too much about screen time, especially in the holidays. But he goes to bed at 11.30pm and his phone/ipad is put downstairs. I don’t think teens his age are responsible enough to have phones with them all night.

My DD is year 9 and my adult DS still lives with us, but even he needs to not be moving about or making noise after 11 if he wants to live here. Believe it or not, I am otherwise very laid back. 😁

When DS1 was younger we used to have to block his devices on the router at night. They need to get their own places if they want to be gaming all night.

My son is a year younger. His phone goes off at 8pm. Gaming generally stops about the same time. 9pm ish is latest I'd personally allow for gaming/screens (not including tv/netflix whichbis a bit later). Regularly staying up until 1-2am gaming or watching tv doesn't sound necessary (or healthy), so it would be a no from me.

I have a ds aged 13 and there’s no way I’d be letting him stay up till 2/3am on screens. Even when dd now aged 22 was younger we used to make her plug her devices in downstairs around 11:30pm which is when we go to bed. When she got to 16/17 we relaxed this on the condition that we needed to go to sleep at 11/11.30 so if we could hear her shouting or chatting that wasn’t acceptable. Sleep is vital to me! Ds comes off the Xbox at 10.30pm, has a shower and is in bed for 11pm. If he isn’t tired he’s allowed to read. He would push that back if he could but it’s a hard no from us. However, we don’t restrict screen time during the day. He is fairly good at self regulation though, he likes to come out with us for a walk etc.

This. So long as he is still socializing, eating, showering and fulfilling responsibilities such as study and chores it's pretty normal.

Just suggesting. Usually along the lines of seeing if anyone wants to get a lift to climbing, beat me at chess or table tennis or get their arse in the kitchen to cook tea or come out somewhere for a coffee or a pint.

I mean they are often out with friends or at work, or clubbing til 5am so it's only when they have been on the Xbox for several hours. They are all ND and get locked in.

I would never tell them to get off at their ages just a gentle nudge which they quite often respond to.

I mean I'm 51 and my mum gives me advice sometimes still and I sometimes listen (sometimes not!). Usually that I've been out too much or working too hard.

I think sanctions is something we've inherited from our own parents lack of parenting skills. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to initiate communication, talk it through and educate your son to make more informed, role model led, decisions about his lifestyle choices and their greater impact, without being fearful of "consequences".

Phoenes and apps are DESIGNED to be addictive. He is a child and is unable to set his own boundaries. Sit him down and have a conversation with him to help build a better routine. This isn’t about mistrust, it’s about support. Having free access to the entire world web is not appropriate at his age. He can’t assess risk, moderation or impact in the same way his adults can.

Clearly, as this is an online discussion site, this is my own opinion. There is medical literature that explains brain and physical growth of teenagers. Sleep is important for physical and mental health. I don’t think it’s healthy for teens to get up most of the night and then asleep in the day as it’s disordered. Of course a lie in at the weekend is fine but everyday until the afternoon isn’t right imho.