Am I treating my 14.5 yr old unfairly?

[Allergyrising]

DS is Year 9. 14.5 yrs old. Plays sport a lot - but less so in holidays. Is interested in some creative stuff but it's screen based.

While on school holidays, he has been staying up to about 1-2am - watching TV, playing a bit of games, being on his phone. I could block all his devices - we have a monitoring thing in place - but he is incredibly bullish and works on a war of attrition approach. Also, I don't want to treat him like a child - even if I still think he is one, to a certain extent.

He goes out each day with friends, but it's not for great stretches of time. He gets up mid am. He'll eat with us, he'll do a few chores, he's not head down all the time BUT he is on a screen a lot through the day into the night. Even with his phone being downstairs. He has a computer in his room.

I think it's ridiculous but I don't know if I'm out of step and need to clamp down?

In school time we're pretty strict.

Mine is the same age and spends a huge amount of time on his phone/xbox. He plays 2 sports to a high level so trains/plays football 3 times a week and the rest of the time especially in the summer he is playing golf with DH. He also goes to the gym and sees his mates.
I don’t limit screen time but I do make sure he is asleep or at least in bed by 11 because quite honestly he is vile without enough sleep.
Me, DS1 (who is 20) and DS2 are going on holiday next week so he will be fairly active then (in between tanning on a sunlounger!)

😂😂😂. If my mum had tried to get me up at 10am when I was 14/15 she would have failed! I slept til midday at that age too, didn’t you?

My rule was two hours screen time per day - and that includes ALL screens, including phones. It was very hard to enforce and the enforcement was NOT perfect but that was the rule.

When they got to sixth form I told them they were now in charge of managing their own screen time, which they enjoyed. Screen time increased, significantly in one case. (But what a relief it was to me to let go!) However, that child has recently said he feels nostalgic for those days when two hours was the limit. And they have all come through eventually with a pretty sensible approach to screens. I like to think they have a body memory of what it felt like to limit screens to two hours, and that’s something they will want to get back to.

I go to bed before my 12 (almost 13) and 15 year old. Why do you need to stay up until they are in bed?

I let mine sleep and play games, especially the first few weeks. School is a lot more stressful now and pressure with assessments and exams.

Also I went out a lot more with friends at that age. But we were often plotting how to buy booze, sneak into abandoned buildings and lying in parks listening to music. It’s probably safer to be at home 😂

It might be safer in the short term being at home but not in the long run - they miss out on developing as a rounded human being and risk developing low self-esteem and anxiety.

I will be very much an outlier on here, but in the summer holidays my kids were expected to academic work and 2 x music practice in the morning. And to go out once a day - walk, cycle, skateboard etc. Afternoons were free.

They usually did a week’s residential course somewhere - music, acting, horses, whatever.

This sounds ideal, having been through it with (now adult kids).

There needs to be a balance. But it’s also important to teach them why there needs to be a balance, or they’ll just see you as being naggy and not understanding them and etc etc. (They might do that anyway, but at least you’ve done your part explaining, if they winge after, pop some noise cancelling headphones in and crack on 😆)

Agree with @Gonk123
I tend to choose my battles with my 2 teenage DC’s. One is at Uni and home for the summer so I ask for consideration/quiet after I’m in bed. What else he does is up to him. He’s reasonable and active and also works.
My younger one has screen time passwords on for overnight and needs to do something active daily. But sleeps in and is on the phone more than during school time to talk to friends.
It’s not worth arguing over things that are normal nowadays (which definitely weren’t when I was their age) so I don’t sweat the small stuff.

This is a slippery slope and a hard habit to get out of . I don't think any 14 year old should be on games past 11pm.

Im a light sleeper. I should mention that my DCs are all diagnosed ASD/ADHD, so benefit from and appreciate strict boundaries.

I was regularly getting drunk in parks from the age of 14 and was in an abusive relationship and a mum at 17. I never understand your own dangerous behaviour and lack of parental input as a reason to let your kids engage in unhealthy and dangerous behaviour. My experience means there is no way I'm ending parenting at the age of 11 like my parents did.

My 12 yo DS and all his friends are much more like 9 yos were in my era.

I think it's too much screen time and it's too late to go to sleep. But I get it, it's easier to let him do as he pleases. I wouldn't - but you do you.

Whilst things can be relaxed a bit during the holidays, rules still need to be in place to some extent. Particularly around technology, as it can be addictive.
Computer needs to come out of the bedroom.
Youngster needs to be in bed by 10, without technology. Lights out by 11ish.
Up in the morning by 9ish.
Some technology during the day but max hour at a time.
Reasonably regular meal times.
Help with a chore round the house every day.

You are still the parent. They are still only 14.

My DS is now 19, just finished first year at Uni and we don’t allow him to game much beyond midnight now that he’s home. When he was Yr9 and in the holidays it was 11pm. My concerns would be setting a precedent from now until his GCSEs and that he’s getting to sleep too late. It may well only be the start of the holidays but kids are exhausted.

Contrary to some of the messages, we don't let him do what he wants or have unlimited screen - that's why I'm here, to sound out opinion. In the term time, it's bed at 10 and all devices downstairs, despite major campaigning. It's because its the holidays that I'm asking.

I also do have endless chats with him about addiction, balance etc.

Anyway, we've just had another chat and agreed on midnight for all devices and nothing in his room/they will all be blocked after that.

He's not a child to an extent, he is a child. I would definitely put in some rules. If he's in the habit of staying up on his phone till 2 am in the holidays he'll still be wanting to be up late when he starts back at school. He's unlikely to be happy just suddenly dialing it all right back. It's hard to back peddle though when they've had no boundaries for any length of time.

You say he's interested in creative stuff but it's screen based. I'd much rather mine was doing this than on SM or doom scrolling. I'm not sure what it is exactly but I'd get him really into doing that, buy him some related courses or resources to do with it. If he likes making computer games get him doing the Unity Junior programmer course (it's free) but not sure if that's what you mean when you say creative. It could end up being a path that he goes down as a career - that's what happened with DS during covid, we got him some courses, he got into programming now doing it as a career.

My eldest is 7 so who knows how I'll feel by then but honestly that sounds extremely reasonable for everyone for a 14 yr old.

He def will not be doing this during term time. Absolutely no way. I'm extremely firm about school/terms.

This.

This is all pretty normal behaviour for teenagers during the summer holidays. You have to let them learn to regulate themselves IMO.

Why, what happens in year 9? You’re the adult here. Not him. Stop letting a 14 year old bully you. Fgs

Does he have any interests outside of the screen? Can he do a hobby with a film in the background maybe? Be lenient, this is a great age for learning self-restraint. We're not even 2 weeks into hols, let him let loose and relax

Why do you say that would never happen?

You are the parent, you set the rules.

It doesn’t matter if it’s term time or not. Unhealthy screen time leads to unhealthy habits. The risk doesn’t go away just because they’re not in school the next day.

If you’re letting him stay up into the middle of the night with eyes locked on a screen it’s not good for him in many ways.

stick to time allowances, devices downstairs, wifi off etc and make sure he’s getting up at a healthy time each day (yes a lie in is perfectly normal in the holidays but gone 10am he should be up) and make sure he’s leaving the house every day. To go to the park, a walk, to the shop to collect milk and bread etc.

Who is bullying me? That's ridiculous. Are you suggesting that kids don't mature, get older, want different things? If your kids wants and needs have stayed the same, well amazing - but that's not the typical trajectory.

I'm not a pushover or being bullied. I'm trying to find a reasonable way through a situation without constant conflict.

Because 2 hours a day for a 14.5 year old is unreasonable. For most families. You're obviously one of the exceptions, which is great if you can enforce that.