Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I treating my 14.5 yr old unfairly?

88 replies

Allergyrising · 25/07/2025 08:06

DS is Year 9. 14.5 yrs old. Plays sport a lot - but less so in holidays. Is interested in some creative stuff but it's screen based.

While on school holidays, he has been staying up to about 1-2am - watching TV, playing a bit of games, being on his phone. I could block all his devices - we have a monitoring thing in place - but he is incredibly bullish and works on a war of attrition approach. Also, I don't want to treat him like a child - even if I still think he is one, to a certain extent.

He goes out each day with friends, but it's not for great stretches of time. He gets up mid am. He'll eat with us, he'll do a few chores, he's not head down all the time BUT he is on a screen a lot through the day into the night. Even with his phone being downstairs. He has a computer in his room.

I think it's ridiculous but I don't know if I'm out of step and need to clamp down?

In school time we're pretty strict.

OP posts:
Cece92 · 27/07/2025 13:49

My daughters 12, I go to bed early but sleep whenever I fall asleep. I’ve been letting her stay up until 12. I know she does cause she goes to the loo, then I hear her switch her tv off and sleep. She has her iPad but not her phone I go in remove it. I’ve been a bit relaxed about the holidays. I’m usually really military with bed times. I work from home so not a big issue me getting up for work. She does have a lie in but it hasn’t been every day. One morning she woke up at 5.15 for the loo and couldn’t fall back asleep so she just lay in bed tv on and chilled on her iPad. Others have been 7 and some mornings 11. If I’m working I really don’t mind the 11am rise lol xxx

Leaningtowerofpisa · 27/07/2025 14:04

LHP118 · 27/07/2025 12:06

Every child is an individual, of course, and the many variables including parenting style, family rules, the pushback, individual needs....all come in.

Ours have had a strict bedtime, with a little leeway for weekends and holidays. There were family-made (kids involved in setting them) rules and time limits on electronics, especially when they were younger. There's always been open communication on changing them.

We now have 17 and 15 y.o. who have to be reminded to check messages, use phones to call/text sparingly, and mainly use them to watch YouTube videos (history, science, educational...I mean map men and the like! It's us parents who waste time Doom scrolling!) but play around 4-5 hours of pc games, and are happy to join us on day tasks/trips. I think it's to do with their personalities, as much as with us having open conversations and collective rule setting, so they understand why and accept it.

Ultimately, look at setting family rules, but understand that their childhood is very different from ours.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s all down to personalities. I think some children and teens find self regulation around technology easier than others. You say ‘we agree the boundaries together’ but what if they don’t and keep pushing ? End of day the final decision is down to the parent. It’s quite confusing for parents to tread this line between setting boundaries and involving teenagers in making them and the consequences if they then trash those boundaries. If I set boundaries my kids might say these are ‘threats’ or emotional blackmail. Especially if consequences are also involved. Alignment with the other parent also needs a discussion as in our case we have completely different parenting styles. So actually navigating that is a challenge in itself. But doing it consistently and keeping the door open to discuss calmly id important. Teenagers will push back and many will whine and argue and drag you into manipulative arguments where they make you out to be a monster especially if they have traits of demand avoidance for example. I think I empathise greatly with the OP and all I can say to her is as early as possible align with your partner/ spouse as to your limits that you will accept. Stay calm stay firm and try to build trust with your young man. Perhaps more interest shown by bringing other inspiring adults into his life to develop his own passions. Once he discovers that I think you will find the need to fixate / escape through gaming and scrolling will reduce. They eventually need to see the benefit to them that 9 hours sleep brings them. It doesn’t happen in a few weeks though.

Laura95167 · 27/07/2025 14:09

Allergyrising · 25/07/2025 08:06

DS is Year 9. 14.5 yrs old. Plays sport a lot - but less so in holidays. Is interested in some creative stuff but it's screen based.

While on school holidays, he has been staying up to about 1-2am - watching TV, playing a bit of games, being on his phone. I could block all his devices - we have a monitoring thing in place - but he is incredibly bullish and works on a war of attrition approach. Also, I don't want to treat him like a child - even if I still think he is one, to a certain extent.

He goes out each day with friends, but it's not for great stretches of time. He gets up mid am. He'll eat with us, he'll do a few chores, he's not head down all the time BUT he is on a screen a lot through the day into the night. Even with his phone being downstairs. He has a computer in his room.

I think it's ridiculous but I don't know if I'm out of step and need to clamp down?

In school time we're pretty strict.

If he had done his chores, showed up for family days/trips not just physically but with a reasonably positive attitude Id let him do what he liked with his leisure time (as long as I was comfy it was illegal or inappropriate I.e. porn, or drinking or antisocial behavour) the same way I do what I like with mine.

But agree would be stricter during school time

Ducksurprise · 27/07/2025 14:12

ButterCrackers · 25/07/2025 08:18

He needs enough sleep for growth but he’s not getting correct sleep. Get him up at 10am latest everyday. If there’s a problem with this unplug the wifi and reduce his mobile phone subscription. He needs to be in bed at before midnight.

No he doesn't. He needs a good amount of sleep but it doesn't have to be before midnight.

Evolution has meant teens are wired to be up late, it isn't safe for the whole tribe to be asleep at the same time.

LHP118 · 27/07/2025 14:16

Allergyrising · 27/07/2025 13:10

I find this kind of post quite frustrating; the most important element you get to is buried towards the end. It's almost certainly to do with personalities; he has been involved in much of our decision-making, and he'll still push and push. And he has no interest in the more educational side of You Tube, for example. Nor would he accept a strict bedtime without relaxing it during holidays.

Maybe it' me being defensive, and maybe it's really not the intention, but posts like this just smack of superior parenting humble bragging.

Edited
Show quote history

I'm sorry it's come across that way. I meant to say that our kids, somehow, have come out the way they have...no idea how, really. As I said we're doom scrolling. They're not.

Just thought out loud as I replied.

Yes, the most important thing is...the last sentence. But not buried, as much as the most important thing you're left with.

You know your child, yourself and your family. Sometimes, we second guess ourselves (and compare ourselves to best practice and/or others)..
Again, the most important element not buried at the bottom. It's the way I write...

Peace ✌️ and love 💕

MigGril · 27/07/2025 14:19

No that is not happening in this house. DS 14.5 years and we don't let him on electronics so late at night. 10pm cut off in the holidays 9pm during school. He can read for longer if he wants to and we have agreed that as long as he spends the mornings during the week doing productive things (ie non screen time, so could be chorse or playing with friends or going out with the rest of us), then he can have screen time for as long as he wants in the afternoon or weekends. But he's a child who rarely sleeps in, if I'd let him play till 2-3am in the morning he'd still wake up at 7am and just be a tired and unreasonable the rest of the day.

I do think that it's a good idea to not let them stay up to late in the holidays or it can also be a bit of a scoke to the system trying to reorient your self back into school time.

okydokethen · 27/07/2025 14:29

If he’s getting up in the mornings, doing chores, seeing friends frequently I think you’re on to a win!

LHP118 · 27/07/2025 14:32

Leaningtowerofpisa · 27/07/2025 14:04

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s all down to personalities. I think some children and teens find self regulation around technology easier than others. You say ‘we agree the boundaries together’ but what if they don’t and keep pushing ? End of day the final decision is down to the parent. It’s quite confusing for parents to tread this line between setting boundaries and involving teenagers in making them and the consequences if they then trash those boundaries. If I set boundaries my kids might say these are ‘threats’ or emotional blackmail. Especially if consequences are also involved. Alignment with the other parent also needs a discussion as in our case we have completely different parenting styles. So actually navigating that is a challenge in itself. But doing it consistently and keeping the door open to discuss calmly id important. Teenagers will push back and many will whine and argue and drag you into manipulative arguments where they make you out to be a monster especially if they have traits of demand avoidance for example. I think I empathise greatly with the OP and all I can say to her is as early as possible align with your partner/ spouse as to your limits that you will accept. Stay calm stay firm and try to build trust with your young man. Perhaps more interest shown by bringing other inspiring adults into his life to develop his own passions. Once he discovers that I think you will find the need to fixate / escape through gaming and scrolling will reduce. They eventually need to see the benefit to them that 9 hours sleep brings them. It doesn’t happen in a few weeks though.

Show quote history

Absolutely understand this. My children need to decompress from their 'work (school and social interactions) day' by gaming and quiet (free from parental or sibling querying) time.

Ducksurprise · 27/07/2025 14:50

It is also perfectly healthy for children to communicate with their friends through their phones/computers.

I know there is this virtue signalling that if kids have to be reminded to check their phones and are always happy to join in day trips then it must mean that the kids and parents are superior to those kids who are on tech but I don't see it like that.
It is completely normal for teenagers to pull away from their family and want to spend all free time possible with their friends.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/07/2025 14:54

Amazing that all these kids who spend their time baking, reading , cooking a meal for the family yet when a parent wants to leave a 17 year old for a weekend they suddenly can't be trusted to turn the cooker off, lock the door or phone 999 in an emergency

RuthW · 27/07/2025 15:37

Pick your battles.

He doesn’t need to and it’s the holidays.

he is doing chores.

he is leaving the house.

could be far worse.

Original poster
Allergyrising · 27/07/2025 16:20

Leaningtowerofpisa · 27/07/2025 14:04

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s all down to personalities. I think some children and teens find self regulation around technology easier than others. You say ‘we agree the boundaries together’ but what if they don’t and keep pushing ? End of day the final decision is down to the parent. It’s quite confusing for parents to tread this line between setting boundaries and involving teenagers in making them and the consequences if they then trash those boundaries. If I set boundaries my kids might say these are ‘threats’ or emotional blackmail. Especially if consequences are also involved. Alignment with the other parent also needs a discussion as in our case we have completely different parenting styles. So actually navigating that is a challenge in itself. But doing it consistently and keeping the door open to discuss calmly id important. Teenagers will push back and many will whine and argue and drag you into manipulative arguments where they make you out to be a monster especially if they have traits of demand avoidance for example. I think I empathise greatly with the OP and all I can say to her is as early as possible align with your partner/ spouse as to your limits that you will accept. Stay calm stay firm and try to build trust with your young man. Perhaps more interest shown by bringing other inspiring adults into his life to develop his own passions. Once he discovers that I think you will find the need to fixate / escape through gaming and scrolling will reduce. They eventually need to see the benefit to them that 9 hours sleep brings them. It doesn’t happen in a few weeks though.

Show quote history

This is really helpful, thank you

OP posts:
Imdoodleladie · 27/07/2025 23:35

I don't agree with this. If he is good at school and continues that way. Doesn't get into any trouble. Just go with his flow. School work at his again and until he leaves it so much pressure. They need shut of time.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page