Am I treating my 14.5 yr old unfairly?

[Allergyrising]

DS is Year 9. 14.5 yrs old. Plays sport a lot - but less so in holidays. Is interested in some creative stuff but it's screen based.

While on school holidays, he has been staying up to about 1-2am - watching TV, playing a bit of games, being on his phone. I could block all his devices - we have a monitoring thing in place - but he is incredibly bullish and works on a war of attrition approach. Also, I don't want to treat him like a child - even if I still think he is one, to a certain extent.

He goes out each day with friends, but it's not for great stretches of time. He gets up mid am. He'll eat with us, he'll do a few chores, he's not head down all the time BUT he is on a screen a lot through the day into the night. Even with his phone being downstairs. He has a computer in his room.

I think it's ridiculous but I don't know if I'm out of step and need to clamp down?

In school time we're pretty strict.

What you're suggesting seems like a decent compromise. Holidays obviously are way more lax, but still with boundaries.

During term time my kids have strictest limits, but still more than I'd like, but holidays I let it slide esp first few days.

Although my son tells me NONE of his friend have screen limits or bed times...which is total BS!!!

Im still chuckling at teens being woken up at 9 and 10am. Tomorrow I will get up when I wake up, which given its weekend and no alarm is usually around 9.30am. I’d happily go back to sleep too, but don’t. And I’m 44!

The issue with my teen is at the time when most children start going out to park with friends (yr5/6) it was covid. It has taken until the last year for him and his friends to be consistent in organising stuff. Because they spent all the covid years only communicating over the Xbox.

Both mine are usually in bed by 11pm. My autistic teen is sometimes later as her body clock is just different (as is mine, I’m much better at staying up late and sleeping in).

Mine is going to do some jobs for me to earn money as he is skint.

If everything is under control and balanced during term time, leave him alone! It’s the summer holidays, he deserves a break, and it doesn’t sound like his behaviour is completely out of whack anyway.

I think it's fine too in the summer holidays and if he is physically socialising with friends and doing chores. And if he sticks to stricter rules during school time.

I am on my third teenager and 14 was the hardest age for the older two. I just want to get her through.

It's summer, they need downtime, they need sleep. In my book gaming is ok as long as it is balanced with actual socialising.

I have a PhD in psychology (though have not specifically researched this area academically) and I’d agree with you.

I'd agree that there's evidence for sleep - like nutrition - having some impact on brain and physical growth, but honestly, I think you'd be hard pressed to find evidence to support whether that's a solid 8/10 hours from 3am or 12pm. I'd love to see it if you do. Sleep is sleep. I think critical influences are the nature and depth of sleep - broken, too little etc.

And just to be clear, my son doesn't get up in the afternoon, and i don't recall anyone saying that on this thread.

Agree. I’m a night owl and when I’m allowed to go to bed late and get up late, then I perform much better. The world is sadly designed for early birds.

He is still a child living in your house, so internet should be switched off at a certain time? Does he pay for his own data?

He's 14 and it's the holidays, why does he need to be in bed before midnight?

1-2 am is very late I wouldn't let mine stay up that late to be honest , I take my teens phones away at 10pm & they have them back in the morning, they are 15 f & 16 m .. my oldest son does his chores etc but has a gf & spends 99% of his time with her but he has left secondary school & has September planned.. my daughter spends more time at home does meet freinds but not daily, she's been revising & doing homework as she has a lot , chores etc playing with siblings & coming on family days out, which she enjoys we do have a 9 year old & 4 year old so we do stick to more of a routine ..

Set a maximum number of hours per day for all electronic devices and also a cut of time at night. Eg maximum 4 hours per day across all electronic devices and cut off at 9pm. This will ensure they do other things wg reading, creative things, walks, more time in with friends, kor wine talking to family members etc . Much better for physical and mental health and easier to get back into school routine in September

What you on about. He goes to bed at 1 or 2 and gets up at 12. That's 9 or 10 hours which is well with the range for his age.

You're completely out of touch with your "opinion" its been proven teenagers sleep cycle is 3 -4 hours out compared to younger children and studies have shown teenages who get up 3 to 4 hours later perform better academically.

It’s normal teen holiday behaviour

ignore anyone who says it isn’t

just let him be

he could be behaving really badly at this age so be very thankful these are your only concerns

He sounds like a good boy

Don’t ruin that by being unnecessarily mean and strict over nothing

Appreciate the fact he’s a decent kid

Our DC were the same at that age.
They are in their 30s with their own DC now.
They still enjoy gaming when they can.
Nothing awful has happened to them.
They are lovely Dads & partners.

I don’t think there’s much wrong with what he’s doing tbh. It’s for summer it’s not for the rest of his life. Dd is the same age and she sees her friends a lot and usually spends evenings with us but is on her phone / iPad / Netflix a lot. Definitely sleeps very late.

ds is 18 and just finished y1 Uni. He sees his friends mostly in evenings and if he’s not working he’ll spend almost the entire time in his room. Dd is very very sociable though, I think she probably goes out more than most.

they’re only young once. If they were My happy and not seeing friends etc etc I’d think differently.

He’s not at school at the moment so how’s his sleep pattern helping him academically? He’s gaming not studying.

Every child is an individual, of course, and the many variables including parenting style, family rules, the pushback, individual needs....all come in.

Ours have had a strict bedtime, with a little leeway for weekends and holidays. There were family-made (kids involved in setting them) rules and time limits on electronics, especially when they were younger. There's always been open communication on changing them.

We now have 17 and 15 y.o. who have to be reminded to check messages, use phones to call/text sparingly, and mainly use them to watch YouTube videos (history, science, educational...I mean map men and the like! It's us parents who waste time Doom scrolling!) but play around 4-5 hours of pc games, and are happy to join us on day tasks/trips. I think it's to do with their personalities, as much as with us having open conversations and collective rule setting, so they understand why and accept it.

Ultimately, look at setting family rules, but understand that their childhood is very different from ours.

I gave my teenage son as much screen time as he liked in the holidays. If we did something active he’d happily come along but otherwise he’d enjoy talking and gaming with his mates. My view was as long as he wasn’t a dick, and he contributed to family life, and did his best at school, it was his holiday and he could spend it how he liked.

He was a high flyer and now as an adult has a job in tech. Ironically he spends his weekends being active and outdoorsy and no longer has a gaming console!

I think a lot of this post is fair enough. BUT it’s a real cop out to say ‘it’s just the way the world is these days’

its great he does other activities - chores, sport, mates. However 1-2 am is too late. At 14.5 years old he is still a child. He is learning to separate from parents and self regulate. But you still need to set boundaries. I know this is different for all families however gaming/ screens after midnight is setting up a bad habit. There is a lot of evidence now around sleep patterns/ blue screen / brain development and as such as a parent I would say the boundary is 11 pm. Even that is too late really - id usually encourage a wind down at 10 pm so by 11 pm teenagers are looking to sleep. It doesn’t matter it’s the holidays.

I think the OP needs to think what her gut feel is here and set the boundaries accordingly. I assume she pays for the phone contract, broadband etc. I would sit down with my son and talk together about it and try to come to an agreement. But ultimately as a parent you do what is in their best interests. I personally disagree that teenagers should be on a phone/ screen in the early hours of the morning. It sends the wrong message. I hope the OP and partner also model the same behaviour.

Perhaps you could also encourage some alternative evenings where he brings his friends over, or does non screen activities as a family. A family night / friends night. It’s more effort I know. But if I could go back now I would have much clearer communicated boundaries on screentime knowing what I now know.

I think it is fine in the holidays.

I find this kind of post quite frustrating; the most important element you get to is buried towards the end. It's almost certainly to do with personalities; he has been involved in much of our decision-making, and he'll still push and push. And he has no interest in the more educational side of You Tube, for example. Nor would he accept a strict bedtime without relaxing it during holidays.

Maybe it' me being defensive, and maybe it's really not the intention, but posts like this just smack of superior parenting humble bragging.

If it make you feel better mine are basically feral compared to that post above. They have no set bedtime, but generally put themselves to bed in term time before 10pm. My 15 yr old often earlier as he realised the natural consequences of staying up late. I don’t monitor it in holidays, but the latest it’s been is 11.

They have tonnes of screen time, they don’t play sports and chores is an ongoing battle 😂. One is autistic though so team sports and being out of the house are her worst nightmare. She speaks to her friends and play games online with them. I make her go out for some vitamin D every so often 😂.

What example do you set OP? For us we did watch educational Youtube videos as a family, Tom Scott, Map Men, Crash Course (world history) and CGP Grey where my children learned what the difference is between the UK and Great Britain for example. We forced this in the beginning when they were younger and they learned to love it. Not all education has to be fun, school is a place to learn, not be entertained. However, the channels I have named above are interesting and fun.

I think the major thing you should take issue with is his continual push back as you have said that happens. For every time he whines about it he loses some ot it. TIme to learn to keep his mouth shut and be grateful for what he does have. You can also use that as a negotiating tool too, want more? Then do x,y,z.

It is about balance and of course they are going to want to do the things that make them happy and they enjoy. Ds1 taught himself guitar and music theory plus drums. However to learn this he watched youtube.